My how far we've come...

My darling lovey-bear,

Oh.My.God. You are one. ONE. You are a full year old. You have been on this earth with me and Daddy and everyone that loves you for an entire year. Twelve full months. And it seems like just yesterday I was reaching into that isolette and touching your tiny hand for the very first time.

This exact time, one year ago, I hadn't even met you yet. I was lying helpless in a hospital bed, hating every second of it, trying to recover from a very serious illness and rather major surgery. Everyone kept bringing me pictures of you and telling me how beautiful you were, but I wanted to see you. With my own eyes. And touch you with my own hands. Everything hurt. It hurt to laugh, it hurt to cry, and my heart hurt. I just wanted to be a Mommy to you, to hold you and tell you that everything would be ok, and kiss your itty bitty forehead and sing you a lullaby. You and I were both having a rough time, but we are also both very strong and knew that we had to fight, so we could have a shot at being Mommy and Daughter. And we succeeded! Here we are today, to tell our tale.

Stevie Wonder said it best: you truly are the sunshine of my life. You make every day brighter. You are so chock full of personality - every day shapes you a little more into this incredible mini person. You are so smart - though you haven't yet learned how to verbalize what you want to say, you don't hesitate to try! You understand so much more than we even realize, and your never cease to amaze me with the things you know. You are so determined - you will pull yourself up on just about any surface and grab anything that is within reach. It's only a matter of time before you're walking, then running... poor Sammy has no idea what he's in for in a few months! You are curious and nosy and even the tiniest sound will pique your interest and your head whips around to see what's going on. I love that when you get sleepy, you take a soft toy and rub your nose with it, and then snuggle your head down onto my shoulder and softly babble in my ear. I love how excited you get when your Daddy comes in the door - you practically vibrate! I love that you reach out to me now when you want me to hold you - there is nothing quite like that feeling! I love how much you love your Nanas and Grandpas... it's so important to us that you have a good relationship with them and I'm so glad that you are able. It's one thing I wish I'd had more of in my youth. And I love, LOVE, LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE your laugh. It is the most magical, beautiful sound I could ever ask to hear. I wish I could bottle it up and keep it forever... it is the remedy for even the most awful of moods or saddest of days. You have the ability to bring a smile to anyone's face with that little giggle. I could go on and on about all the things I love about you... they truly are endless.
I think about the teeny tiny baby that you were, and the big girl you're turning out to be now... it brings tears of joy to my eyes to know how far you have come. Since day one, you have been strong and brave, and just simply amazing, and I cannot rightfully put into words how proud I am to be your mama. We have our great days, and our not so great days... but ultimately, every day with you in it is a good one. You are SO loved by SO many people, many of whom have been following your story since before you were even here. You are my best friend in the whole world and I hope we can stay that way for a long, long time. I will accept the grim reality that the day may come where you can't stand me, but I also know that there is a light at the end of that tunnel and you'll come back to me one day. But, no sense in rushing things. Right now, I'll soak up all of the mini Natalie goodness I can, and enjoy every moment of your childhood. Your Daddy and I love you with all our hearts and have had so much fun with you in this past year - we can only imagine what the rest of them will have in store! Even your big brother Sammy is coming around - you two seem to really enjoy eachother more and more each day!
Thank you for being you, Natalie. Happy first birthday, and here's to many happy and healthy more.
I love you so very much, little girl.
with all my love,
Mommy xoxo

Retrospect...

Last year, at this exact time, I was hooked up to a fetal non-stress monitor, confused as hell, and scared out of my mind. My OB was moments away from delivering the news that I was a very sick woman and that I would not be leaving the hospital until our baby was ready to enter the world. I had nothing but the clothes on my back with me.
Anyone who knows me should know that while I'm blessed with many wonderful qualities, patience is not one of them. By nature, I am a nurturer and a caregiver, but I am a terrible patient. And here I am being told that my baby's life is in danger, and I have make the hospital my home away from home until the baby was cooked enough. This was to be anywhere from 4 to 8 weeks. FOUR TO EIGHT WEEKS?! IN A HOSPITAL BED? I'm amazed I kept my composure as long as I did. I started getting very very sad... my holiday plans were obviously thwarted. There would be no sweet potato casserole or parsnips for me. There would be no watching Elf and drinking hot cocoa and snuggling on the couch with Sam. SAM!!! I wouldn't see Sam for potentially two months? That piece may have pushed me over the edge.
No, what really pushed me over the edge was when a neonatologist approached us to explain the dangers of an early delivery and the complications and risks we'd potentially be facing. Um, sorry, what?! Last week my 28 week appointment was great! I was fine! Now we're talking about the baby coming early and lung development and... WTF?!?!?!? I began to be flooded with selfish thoughts... this kid had better get here soon! I can't stay here for the long haul! But, I knew that it was best for her to stay in there as long as possible. So, I was mentally preparing myself for the worst.
When it was official that I was being admitted, I was moved to the first room by the entrance to the maternity floor. I had my choice of rooms because the floor was virtually empty. No one else wanted to check in on Christmas Eve, apparently. I begged my OB to let me go home and pack a bag, but she was adamant that I get horizontal ASAP. As soon as I was in my bed, I was stuck with a ridiculously large needle in my ass to administer my first dose of steroids to help the baby's lungs develop. Apparently they only do this when they anticipate the worst, and early delivery is inevitable. My BFFs came running as soon as they heard the news, and once they arrived, that's when I finally lost it. Between a really nasty admitting nurse who was barking orders at me and scolding me (despite my obvious confusion and anxiety), to being handed a tri-fold hospital menu and told to select my Christmas dinner, to the terrible fear that was growing inside me that my baby really was in grave danger... it truly was one of the worst days I've ever experienced.


The next five days would be the most trying time of my life. Needless to say, Christmas last year SUCKED.


BUT


It is now a year later. We are all happy and healthy. We are all warm and have full bellies and snuggled up in our house, with fragrant candles burning and wrapping paper scattered everywhere. We haven't changed out of our PJs. Dave made us all a big breakfast (Nat enjoyed pancakes for the first time, and shared several bites with her furry brother), and are watching Christmas shows and movies on TV. We are all together, and will be for the duration of the holiday. Natalie will be spoiled rotten with love and gifts from her family and friends, and will have nothing but good memories (at least from the pictures we take!) from this Christmas. I am so grateful and humbled that we are in the position we are today. As my father said to me earlier, it was a significant price to pay last year, but SO worth the outcome. I could have never imagined I'd have such an amazing and beautiful little girl to share this Christmas with. I knew she'd be here, but I truly believe our experiences this time last year shaped her into the wonderful little person she is today. My daughter. My best friend. My heart.

Merry Christmas, everybody. Make sure to hug your loved ones a little tighter this year.

Peach McGee, Miss Kiss, Mini-bear, or sometimes Natalie...

Natalie is turning into a little girl, and she's not as much of a baby anymore.  Her personality is shining through, and every day she changes and grows, and it's just amazing to watch. She is feisty and stubborn, but sweet as sugar. She is now mobile, and though she doesn't always use the conventional method of crawling everywhere, she certainly gets herself where she wants to go. She is always smiling. She wakes up smiling, goes to bed smiling... just such a happy little person!!! She LOVES playing with toys now, and it's fun to watch her discover new ones and the secrets they may hold. If it plays music, Natalie is a fan. If it opens and something can go in it, she's digging it. I even caught her trying to put some blocks into a shape sorter. She had little success, but at least her little brain is working and she's trying. She makes very expressive faces now, which are hysterical. When she is upset about something or mad, she furrows her little brow and sorta looks at you from the side of her head, and you have to conceal laughter... it's so funny.
It's so unreal to watch her enjoy life. She loves Sesame Street, and starts kicking her little legs and squealing when Abby's Flying Fairy School or Elmo's World comes on. She bops to the music, which is indescribably adorable. She still likes the Wonder Pets, and will sit through an entire 12 minute episode on my lap, watching intently. She speaks incessantly, though 99.9% of the time her dialect is completely uninterpretable. She does say "dada" and occasionally "mama," but she hasn't actually addressed either of us yet. Though we know she's using the words correctly. My favorite development is that when I go to pick her up, she reaches out for me now. Which is just such an awesome feeling, knowing that my little girl actually wants me, and can show it.
She is extremely good at self-entertaining; we can put her on her play mat surrounded by toys and she'll keep herself occupied for 30 minutes. It's great to see her so independent. She's good about going to just about anyone, and has rarely if ever shown any signs of separation anxiety. I know that often comes later in their development, but at 11 months, I'm happy to say that my child is well-adjusted and willing to go to almost anyone. Occasionally she will frown or turn her little lip out if she's unsure, but it's usually because she's tired or just woke up, not because she's really that uncertain.
Anyway, I just had to write about her today because I am sitting here on the couch marveling at my little lady squirming around on the floor, foraging in her little purple toy box for toys, and loving how incredible she truly is. I can't believe in less than 5 weeks my little girl will be one. OMG.

better late than never

Natalie had her 9 month appointment this past week. And she is making amazing strides. Dr. Jen is thrilled with her progress, and since last Wednesday we've even added some dairy back into Nat's diet. Our hope is that she has outgrown her awful cow's milk protein allergy and we can stop feeding her the liquid gold (Nutramigen AA) and get her onto a more affordable formula that her little belly can tolerate. And then, hopefully, even whole milk when she's past 1 year!!!

Anyway, that said, I have been reflecting a lot these past few days as to just how lucky we are that Natalie is here with us to help me tell her tale. We were so lucky... given how early she came, her low birth weight, her first few days in the NICU struggling to gain some solid ground. Someone was looking down on us during that frosty January as she fought to survive...  Natalie managed to avoid so many of the complications she could have faced... I'll say it again - we are just SO lucky. And I tell her that every single day with abundant hugs, kisses, snuggles, and zerberts.

Again, that said... in my reflection, I have to acknowledge what this past Friday signified. October 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. To so many heartbroken families, this is a day to remember those amazing and beautiful little people who tried so hard to fight and unfortunately lost their battles. I know a few people who have had to deal with such loss, and to them, my heart truly goes out. Even one person is one too many. So, as this post's title states, I felt it was better late than never to acknowledge this day. I sit here a humbled woman - realizing just how fortunate I am that my beautiful daughter sleeps soundly upstairs in her crib and continues to awe and inspire us every day with her strength, tenacity, and spirit.

need.to.slow.down.

Let me begin by saying, I had an awesome day today. I was home from work, the weather was nice, and I got to spend the whole day with my best girlfriend, Natalie Diana Rolston. It's important to point this out, because the rest of this post is one big complaint. You've been warned.

I haven't blogged in like 2 months. And so much has changed in that 2 months. Natalie survived her first vacation to OCNJ. Both my MIL and FIL were hospitalized for a mini-stroke and a minor heart attack, respectively. My Great Uncle Don died. I started working out 3x a week at 5:30 am. I took on a second job (at which I am being fully taken advantage of, and I really can't stand, but that's another blog for another day). I've been doing a lot of volunteer work for Bark For Life. I've been putting in 14-16 hour days a few times a week and have managed to avoid getting sick until now, but for the past few days my throat has been sore and I've been feeling really weary... so I'm really hoping that this isn't the beginning of something awful.

But enough about me. Onto the good stuff. Natalie survived her first vacation to OCNJ. She started taking swim classes at the YMCA. She sleeps through the night like a champ - 10-11 hours on a good night. She loves to play with toys, especially anything that plays music or lights up. She learned how to sit up on her own, and can now feed herself small bits of food with her fingers. Still no teeth, but she loves her some baby food! She can't crawl yet, but when on her belly, she can scooch backwards and get herself from point A to point B. She is incredibly vocal, and is always trying to communicate - sometimes it even sounds like she is singing! I'd imagine that talking may very well be her next milestone. She's not far from saying "Da Da" and meaning it. It wouldn't surprise any of us, since I started talking at 10 months. She sorta knows how to wave bye bye, and with some practice, gets the idea of a high five. She loves music and giggles all the time. She's turning into an amazing, beautiful little girl and moving away from that helpless little baby that she was for so long. She requires a lot more attention now, and while she's a pretty good napper, when she's awake, she typically requires a lot out of  her caregiver. And my most favorite days are when I actually get a day or a half day off and can spend time with her. Of course for the past 2 or 3 weeks, any days I've had off, it's been pouring rain and I haven't been able to enjoy the outdoors with her. But that's neither here nor there. That's just Mother Nature playing games with me.

But this mommy is tired. I am wiped out. Zonked. I am stretching myself way too thin and I don't know how to slow down. I guess it's not in my nature. I am green with envy at all of my SAHM friends who are enjoying this beautiful autumn with their beautiful babies, and I am running myself ragged to bring in a pathetic extra paycheck. I never thought I wanted to stay at home, and in truth I don't want to full time. But now that Natalie is changing and growing and so much fun, it kills me to leave the house at 9:00 am and not get home until 7 or 8 that night. I've missed the entire day with her. Some nights the only time I get with her is that final kiss goodnight as she's already slumbering away in her crib. And it makes me sad. Sometimes I even cry myself to sleep at night once Dave's gone to bed. I just don't understand why it has to be so hard. Now, I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party here. I know we're not the first young family to struggle. I just don't get how other people make it seem so effortless and easy to dedicate their lives to raising their children and not have to worry about where they're gonna get money to pay bills and buy groceries, etc. And then on the days that I am home, I don't want to do ANYTHING productive, so my laundry piles up and the house doesn't get clean. I end up getting sucked into chatting on the computer and then I'm wasting all the free time I actually do have listening to my friends and their drama.

That's another thing wiping me out. I love my friends dearly but holy GOD do I know some doozies! I sometimes just want to hide myself away from all the drama, because I feel like it begins to infiltrate my own mind and I don't have time for that!!! It's mentally exhausting, especially when I feel like I have to be careful to say the right thing because people have a heightened sensitivity factor. But, I know, that's what friends are for, and despite Dave constantly making fun of me (and asking me why I'm not getting paid for the therapy I'm administering), I listen and give support when and where I can. But sometimes I just want to make myself invisible (both online and in real life) to avoid it, for just one night.

But anyway back to the work thing - I guess everyone's situation is different, and how people do what they do ain't none of my business. I just know that in our world, I have to work if we want to maintain the quality of life that we know and love. And even with me working, we've had to cut corners as any new family who's on a limited income does. But when it came down to things like cancelling all the paid cable channels and dropping our iPhone service, and getting rid of the house phone and cancelling the gym membership (among many other things), I realized that I'd rather put in that time at work to be able to enjoy those mini-luxuries. And on the upside (if there is one to be found), at least I'm lucky enough to only have to work 25 hours, and not 40+ like some moms I know. And for the time being we're still managing to save money on daycare by utilizing mine and Dave's moms... and the occasional helpful friend (thank you Jen and Katelyn and Lauren and everyone else who's lent a hand!!!!).

The most depressing thing is the realization that, unless something changes dramatically, there's a good chance that Natalie could be an only child. If we're having this much trouble making ends meet with only one, how the hell would two work?! How do people do it with 3, 4, or more? And the Duggars? Don't even get me started on them. LOL. Good thing we have a few years before we have to make that kind of decision!

I just know that I need to slow down before I burn myself out completely and then I'm useless to my family and myself. That cannot happen.

I just need more days like today. But unfortunately, they only come once a week.

Everything but the kitchen sink... (but even that would be useful!)

Last night I began the daunting task of packing a 7 month old for the shore.

Holy hell. I need a bigger car.

Friends with kids have always said how it's challenging to travel with children, because of the sheer volume of equipment you need. But I never knew just how crazy it is. My entire guest room bed is covered in Natalie's gear, from her multitude of clothes, to a pack of diapers, to cans of formula, to her baby food, to burp cloths and bibs, to towels and blankets, to bumbo chairs and boppy pillows... oy. And this is only for a week. Luckily, the house we rent has a very efficient washer and dryer so I can certainly do a load or two if necessary. But still... it's a lot of stuff. And this is not even including the pack 'n' play in which she will sleep, and the stroller, the travel swing, and anything else I decide at the last minute that she will need for our week-long adventure. I haven't even started packing myself, I've been so consumed with making sure I have everything for her. But let's face it, we're going to New Jersey, not the Republic of the Sudan. Rite Aid and ACME are only a ten minute drive away, should I leave anything behind.

I am very very very very excited to take Natalie on her first vacation. And it will also be my first and only vacation in the last 12 months, and quite possibly for the next 6-12 months too. I cannot wait to sit in the surf with her and let the tide wash over us. I can already hear her squeals of delight (or terror)! And I think it will definitely help me decompress and relax a little bit. It'll be fun to spend the week with my parents, and I know they're going to LOVE having that precious time with Natalie. I'm kinda bummed because Dave can only stay until early Tuesday morning, but I am happy that he can at least join us for a few days.

In other news, Natalie has a new game she likes to play. It's called, "let's-freak-mommy-out-by-flipping-onto-our-belly-in-our-crib." This is a relatively new activity but it's giving me agita. Everything you hear is back back back. Back to sleep, say no to the tummy... and all along I thought it was because of a risk of suffocation. But, thanks to a good friend, I've been enlightened as to why it's not recommended... and some of my fears have been put to rest. Some. Thank you, N, for having done your research!
In any case, I experience this overwhelming desire to go into Natalie's nursery and flip her back onto her back. Which she doesn't like, I can tell you that much. She screams, and almost immediately rolls back onto her stomach. And then this brings me back to 6 weeks ago when we first introduced her to her crib, and I obsessively stared at the video monitor screen, unable to take my eyes off it, making sure she's ok. It was ridiculous, but it was the first time I'd experienced this kind of anxiety since she'd been home. And now I feel like I'm having this problem all over again. And I have to think to myself, what did people do when video monitors weren't available to consumers? Chill the eff out, Lindy. Seriously, get a grip.

Which brings me to my next point - I have been suffering from insomnia. I cannot sleep. I try, I WANT to sleep, but I cannot put my mind to rest.  I want to go up to bed when Dave goes up, shortly after we put Natalie in her crib... but I'm nowhere near tired at that point. And then I get sucked into watching shitty TV or surfing the web for hours on end... and suddenly it's stupid o'clock in the morning and I'm still awake. I feel LUCKY if I get myself to sleep by 1 or 1:30. And that's on a good night.

I'm convinced this insomnia is stress-related, not even entirely Natalie related. I am stressed because my part-time job is not bringing in enough money. I am stressed because I've been applying to more part-time jobs and haven't been hearing anything back. I am stressed because I may have to return to work full time sooner than planned which means finding full time childcare, which is $$$$$. I am stressed that Dave and I hardly ever get to spend any quality time together anymore because we're either working, taking care of Natalie, or sleeping. I am stressed that Natalie isn't eating enough, because now that she sleeps longer, she doesn't get as many bottles. I am stressed because being a parent of a preemie is stressful, and it's stressful because I want Natalie to be meeting milestones for her actual age, not her adjusted age. I am stressed because, in several instances, I've been feeling underappreciated and frustrated with that. I am stressed because, well... I guess I did such a good job of not being stressed a few months ago during the REALLY truly stressful time in my life, that it's all coming back to bite me in the ass now.
But, as stated earlier in this post, hopefully our upcoming Ocean City, New Jersey getaway will help to diminish some of the stress. I could do with a few rounds of mini golf, some heated Yahtzee challenges, a few (hundred!!!) slices of Mack and Manco's pizza, and some good old fashioned vitamin D. And at least I know that listening to the peaceful sound of the rolling waves may help me sleep a little better at night, even if only for the week.

Rollin', Rollin', Rollin'!

Natalie can roll over now.

It started a few weeks ago, she would tentatively flip to her side from either her back or her stomach, but she wouldn't quite make it all the way over.
But things have changed. Now, pretty much anytime we put her on her stomach for tummy time, she flips over. And she's just now mastering the ability to roll over from her back onto her tummy.

Life as we know it is not far from changing entirely.

At Natalie's 6 month appointment last week, her pediatrician mentioned yet another daunting "b" word to me... baby-proofing. And I am finding it hard to believe we're even close to having that conversation! My little person is growing up so fast, and in another couple of months she may very likely be on the move.  I watched my friend Kate babyproof her house for her daughter Juliette and then watched how quickly anything in Jules' path becomes an obstacle when she brings her over here. I am definitely not ready to think about how we're going to prevent Natalie from getting knee deep in electronics, DVDs, magazines, and everything else that is superfluously hanging around in our living room. Never mind the rest of the house...

But it's amazing to watch... how babies change literally on a day to day basis and are constantly learning and absorbing new things. And often you can blink your eye and miss one of them. A bunch of my friends whose daughters are all somewhat close in age to Natalie have been experiencing similar phenomena; some further along than others. Natalie's friend Noel is all but running marathons now, her friend Kaity sits up and plays like a big girl, and her friend Ryleigh has discovered how convenient it is to use rolling as a method of transportation (and how equally frustrating it is to not be able to do much more than that...)
I have to keep reminding myself that, though Natalie is close in physical age to these lovely ladies, she's still behind developmentally. And that's totally ok. But it's hard sometimes, wondering why your 6 1/2 month old isn't keeping up with the Jones', literally. But, she's met and exceeded most of the milestones for her adjusted age, and rolling is one of them. And, while I don't want to seem to eager to have my little girl grow up, it is exciting to know that she's making progress and improving each and every day. It's so funny - when they're this little, you just want them to learn and grow and reach milestones. And then, from what I hear, their childhood flies by and they start to transform from babies into kids and then so on and so forth, and you can't believe you wished away the infant days. So... I guess I'll just sit back and enjoy the little things now, and keep on laughing my head off when I watch Natalie toss her little torso back and forth with such determination!

But OMG... poor Sammy, once Natalie IS mobile. God help him.

Half a year

Twelve months ago, your Daddy and I had only just learned of your presence inside my tummy.

Twelve months ago, I didn't know if you were going to be a Natalie or a Tyler.

Twelve months ago, I didn't know if I was going to be a good mother to you.

Twelve months ago, we began our journey together.

The first part of that journey ended on December 29th, 2009.

I cannot believe that tomorrow you will be half a year old.

I cannot believe how much I am truly enjoying being your Mommy.

I always liked kids, and knew I'd like motherhood, but had no idea what joy and fulfillment you'd bring to my life.

Your little smile brightens up the room regardless of how dark it is outside. You fill my heart with such happiness. I live my days with you at the forefront of my mind, and every decision I make ultimately comes back to you. I cherish every second we spend together and am having so much fun watching you learn, discover, and delight in the world around you. I am so looking forward to watching you grow up. I want to teach you things, and have you teach me. I want to sing to you, and make you laugh. I want you to look at me with that look that I know only a child can give it's mother. I want to kiss you goodnight every single night that you'll let me.

I cannot believe that tomorrow you will be six months old already.

A little over six months ago, I had no idea how my life was about to change so suddenly.

A little over six months ago, I was wrapping gifts, listening to Christmas music, and getting ready to indulge in many a holiday feast, dreaming of what it would be like to share it with you the following year.

Six months ago, we were both fighting for our lives, and nobody could say for sure what was going to happen to either of us.

Six months ago, I felt such terror and anxiety every day visiting you in your little box, longing to snuggle you and cuddle you, but knowing how fragile and helpless you really were. 

Six months ago, I cried myself to sleep many nights because you weren't there with me.

Five months ago, I experienced overwhelming joy and elation the day we were told you could finally come home with us. All 4 lbs, 6 oz of you.

 

In only six months, we've already been through a lot together. But really, our journey has only just begun. And now  I'm watching you peacefully sleep in your crib, loving you more and more every second of every day. I am so lucky to have you, and I am so grateful that you are a happy and healthy little girl. I am so proud of you for fighting so hard and for being so strong. I love you so very much, Natalie Noodle. 

Happy 6 months to you, my beautiful daughter.

All My Love, 

Mommy

Isn't it ironic (doncha think?)

I was just sitting here, blog-jumping, and came back to my own, and read back to the beginning of my pregnancy journey. And I found this entry, in which I was questioning my ability to be a Mommy. Which is not the ironic part, as I like to think I'm shaping up to be a lovely little Momma to my Noodle. But, what is ironic is the fact that just before I wrote that blog entry, I was watching "18 Kids and Counting" and marveling at Michelle Duggar's feat of bringing 18 children into this world. I never really watched that show regularly back then, in fact, I found the whole situation to be rather odd and really only watched it for curiosity's sake, not to be entertained. Little did I know, I would end up finding a kindred spirit in her, as we both were plagued with the same life-threatening condition that ultimately led to her show's title changing to "18 19 Kids and Counting" right around the same time Miss Natalie was born. Michelle announced her pregnancy in September, which they claim was unexpected so soon (please, your show was called "18 Kids AND COUNTING," there's no such thing as an unexpected pregnancy in your world) and ended up delivering baby Josie Brooklyn on December 10th or thereabouts, via an emergency c-section, at only 25 weeks gestation. I've been watching their show ever since I got home from the hospital and realized we'd been through the same thing, and when they show the NICU and tiny little Josie hooked up to all of those monitors and machines and the beeping etc etc etc, it's been hauntingly familiar and my heart completely goes out to Michelle Duggar. I know exactly what was feeling and how terrifying those first few days/weeks are. Only NICU Moms can really understand what other NICU Moms truly go through. Everyone else can try, but until you've been there, and it's been your tiny precious little one in that isolette that you can't hold close to you without medical supervision, you can't really begin to conceptualize what it's like. Though we appreciate everyone's effort :)
Unfortunately, Josie had a much much rougher NICU journey than Natalie. She was a full pound and a half smaller than Nat at birth, and suffered a perforated bowel within the first two weeks of her life, which set her recovery back tenfold. It's incredible just how important that extra 6 weeks in utero really is. In our case, the extra 5 days that they were able to keep Natalie inside me apparently were essential for lung development (in addition to the steroid shots I was given to help her along) and really gave her a better prognosis, being delivered at 31 weeks instead of 30. Amazing.
Anyway, the good news is, baby Josie Duggar is finally home with her family. She was initially released in April, but after less than 48 hours at home, she had to go back because she was having some issues and her vitals were not good. But now, at 5 1/2 months, she's once again home with her loving family, and it sounds as though she's there to say, God willing. Another part of the irony of all this is that the reason Josie had to go back into the hospital was she had some undiagnosed digestive issues. Turns out, the kid's allergic to dairy. Just like Natalie. It's so weird how similar our situations are. Though, mine was my first pregnancy and Michelle's was her 17th... but still, we have a bond even though we will likely never know one another.
Now, I don't want this blog post to turn into an ethical debate, because I have very strong feelings about the Duggars and the Quiverfull movement in which they are strong believers and active participants, however... I am so happy for them that their scary NICU nightmare is over, and they can begin to spend quality time, as a family, with their new beautiful baby girl. I know how precious and special that moment was to Dave and myself when we finally got to walk out the door of the Maternity ward at P-ville Hospital for the last time with our daughter in hand.

But I'm sure Michelle Duggar would whole-heartedly agree with me on one thing: Pre-eclampsia sucks.


(And the last thing I have to say is, hopefully the Duggars will think about what they've just been through, and use some sound judgement and wait awhile, to give Josie the extra care and TLC that she needs to catch up to her brothers and sisters, before they change the title of their show again.)  I digress...

A better blogger

Thinking about blogging has stressed me out lately.

I don't know why I can't seem to keep up with this. I really wanted to. Or at least I thought I did. I envy those who are able to check into their blogs regularly and update the world on their life and the exciting things happening in it. I had big plans to keep up with this blog, if not for myself, then for Natalie's sake - so when she gets older, she can read about my journey to get her here, and our adventures once she arrived. But I'm just not good at it. And I can't blame time - I have plenty of that. I just don't choose to write like I want to. I've come to the conclusion that I think I like reading other people's blogs more than writing my own. I don't feel like I am anywhere near as clever or verbally expressive as most of my blog-writing compadres and I sometimes feel like what I write comes out forced or put-on, if that makes sense. And I know it's not a competition, but I feel like there are so many more interesting blogs out there and that my ridiculous rambling drivel is probably just as uninteresting to others as it is to me.

That said, I sat down today to try to write. But, being the ever so slightly OCD person than I am, especially when it comes to doing things chronologically, I sat here trying to go back and figure out all of the things that were mentionable in the order that I felt it necessary to mention them. And I just got annoyed. That I can't just sit and write freely - that this has to feel like a process. I guess maybe this was more fun when I was still pregnant and there were all of those milestones and moments that were unique and fun and exciting.

But hang on.

Having a baby is unique and fun and exciting. And every baby is different. And everyone's journey into parenthood is different. And there are a lot of funny stories and moments that I could potentially share in this blog. And then I came to the grand realization; I'm just spending too much time enjoying Natalie and her progress in real life, and not worried about writing it down, because no matter what, I'll remember the parts that count and be able to share them with her when she needs or wants to know. 

So, all of that said, I'm going to attempt to be a "better blogger." But I won't sweat it, if, say, two months goes by without a word recorded. I don't need to jump online and document every time Natalie eats a different solid food, or bats an eyelash. Kudos to those of you out there reading this who may be able to keep up with detail like that. But this Mommy's got better things to do than stress over an outdated blog. ;-)

Guilt

I'm told that from the minute your child arrives, motherly guilt sets in. And it doesn't ever stop. This is proving to be very true for me, and I'm having a really hard time with it. First, I was feeling guilty because I wasn't necessarily eating as well as I could have been, and had the fear of GD looming over me. But, we got past that with no problems, and no diagnosis, and I spent the last 6 weeks that I was pregnant trying harder to be healthier for her. Then (and this was a major one) I was feeling  terribly guilty that my body failed Natalie when she was born so early, and that she was forced to struggle for the first few weeks of her life because I didn't do for her what I should have. That took awhile to get past... and even now, when I look at other people's kids who are "term" babies, I sometimes still feel sad and think, what if things had been different and I'd carried her longer. And now it's the guilt of not being able to nurse her the way I'd wanted/hoped to. Granted, it's not really my "fault," but I still feel bad about it. And we've finally gotten to a point where my breastmilk is just no longer going to work for her. I've eliminated everything imaginable from my diet, as discussed in a previous post, and poor Natalie is still having trouble. So within the next two weeks or so, my daughter will be solely formula-fed. And unfortuntaely, the formula that we have to put her on is $40 a can... this is even more expensive than the Nutramigen we thought we'd have her on previously (turns out, there's still hydrolized cow's milk in it, so that's out) so it's going to put us in the poorhouse. Never mind the fact that I've just this week resigned from my job, but that's a topic for another post entirely - coming soon! Luckily I was able to buy a few cases through eBay auctions for half the price, but they won't last us long once she's fully formula fed and taking more at each feeding.
But it's something I'm really struggling with and I'm not sure how to get past! What doesn't help my case is that whenever I do internet research on her allergy or the formula we have to put her on, I find a bunch of responses from people who chastize formula-feeders and stress the importance of breastmilk and ONLY breastmilk. Well, those mofos need to walk a minute in my shoes and see how they feel. It's hard. Really freaking hard. Especially when your supply is good and you are PHYSICALLY able to do something that just doesn't work for your child. It's not fair for them to make you feel even worse than you already do about something that is beyond your control, especially when it's medically necessary. And my friends and family are trying to be supportive - telling me I've done an awesome job, to cut myself a break... but I really don't think they understand how hard this is on me... and if they were in my situation, they'd get why it's such a difficult thing to deal with. But I appreciate their support nonetheless.
I've also been attending monthly meetings at a preemie parent support group, and it has been VERY beneficial. The other Moms there are really nice and are a huge wealth of knowledge and information. And it did help surpress my guilt a little bit - since they all knew exactly what I was feeling. But, at the end of the day, I still feel that guilt. I want to do what's best for my little girl, no matter what. And sometimes what I'm doing just doesn't feel like enough.

Spring Hath Sprung

Normally, I'm a cold weather girl. I love snow. I love the cool crisp air and seeing your breath for the first time. I love snuggling under blankets and drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows. I love putting on layers to cover up parts of me I don't want the world to see. When the weather starts to improve, I dread the day that I have to expose my pasty white skin to the population, and I shudder at the thought of my cottage cheese thighs being visible to anyone else. I start to get envious of the smaller, skinner, more toned people around me who can de-layer themselves and be near perfect without effort.

But not this year.

This year, I am very excited. I cannot WAIT for the days to consistently be warmer. As soon as the morning chill has burned off, I throw open the windows and dust the sills to let sunshine flood my living room. I bundle Natalie up and walk her down to the mailbox, carefully shielding her sensitive little eyes from the glaring sun, but still getting her a little dose of that wonderful vitamin D.

She is the reason I am excited. I am thinking about all of the wonderful walks we'll have around the neighborhood this spring and summer. I'm thinking Dave and I about taking her and Sammy to Valley Forge Park for picnics. And I'm thinking about finally being able to take my daughter out and show her off to the world. Sure, Facebook and other online sharing sites are great and have given her an instant celebrity status, but I want people to actually SEE her. I want to put her in her really stinkin' cute spring and summer outfits and parade her around, watching her eyes fill with wonder as she takes it all in. I know there is a lot to see in our little house here at 22 Queen, but there is so much more out there for her, and now that she's finally getting a little bigger and developing, she's going to start discovering it all. I want to take her to the shore this summer and dip her little feet in the ocean, and let her squish her toes in the sand. I want to take her to the zoo and tell her about all of the animals. I want to watch her get bigger and become best friends with her big fluffy brother.

There is so much I want to do with this little girl, and I'm so excited that she's here and we can start doing it now that it's getting nicer.

Don't get me wrong, I'll always be a cold weather gal... but I think the abundance of snow this winter really burned me out, and I'm ready for that sun.

Moo = BOO

Every new Mom and Dad face challenges, however, having a preemie makes things just the teensiest bit more difficult. Your baby is smaller, a little behind developmentally, and requires a little more TLC to be able to do the things a term baby should be able to do. Our Natalie is coming along amazingly well, and growing by the day, but one big challenge we've faced since birth is her eating. Because she was born at 31 weeks, she was not developmentally advanced enough to be able to suck, swallow, and breathe at the same time, so her initial feedings (once she was off the IV nutrients on day 3) had to be administered via an NG (nasogastric) tube that went from her nose down into her tummy. As she got older, they started introducing a bottle every few feeds, and then every other feed, and by the time she was 3 weeks old, she was getting almost every feed by bottle, which was great. And I might add, she was being fed exclusively breastmilk once she no longer needed the IV nutrients, I was pumping 6-8x a day and bringing the goods down to the hospital when we went to visit her. Anyway I was very adamant about wanting to physically breastfeed her as soon as she was able. But even that was proving to be an issue early on. Because she was so small and her suck was still pretty weak, she was having difficulty latching om and getting anything out of me. I worked with a lactation consultant to get the technique right, and once I knew I was doing right on my end, we had to discuss options. Eventually we came up with a device that I could use to help Natalie latch on a little better, which we're still using to this day, but she's still not efficient.

And then... to top it ALL off...

Shortly after Natalie came home from the NICU, we found out that she may very well be allergic to milk protein. This poses a very large problem for me as a mother attempting to breastfeed - I had to eliminate any, and I mean ALL dairy, from my diet. This includes anything that has any form of milk in it at all. Not just skipping that cold glass of milk with my chocolate chip cookies. No milk, no butter, no cheese... and nothing that contains any of the aforementioned items. So suddenly I find myself standing in the grocery store 3x as long, reading labels closely so as not to miss anything that might damage my child's tummy. And lemme tell ya... you have NO IDEA how much of what we eat everyday has a form of dairy in it. Everything manages to squeeze it in. A lot of processed foods contain sodium caseinate, which is a sneaky way they can package their product and plaster the words "now with protein!" across the label, even though the product might not actually contain any proper milk. Unfortunately, casein is a form of cow's milk protein, and apparently my daughter's system can't handle it. At first, I was devastated; how can I go without my grande non-fat white chocolate mocha from Starbucks?! I tried the soy version of it; bleh. But luckily, with the aid of the internet, friends on Facebook, and our pediatrician's resources, I found a good list of things I am allowed to eat that do not contain dairy or traces of it - including Duncan Hines chewy fudge brownies, which I consequently went to BJ's Wholesale Club and bought in bulk for when I get cravings for dessert. Because if you've ever tried to find a dairy-free dessert that's even remotely worth eating, it's not an easy task. But, other than a few things that don't have a palatable substitute, I was OK with this dairy removal. Hoping it might even benefit my waistline. Ixnay on that. I'm still allowed to eat most carbs. Sigh.

Anyway, this milk-protein allergy this is not a life threatening allergy by any means. In fact, for all intents and purposes, it really seems to be more of a "sensitivity" than an actual allergy, and you might not even know this kid had a problem if you didn't examine her dirty diapers very closely. But, because she is too little to tell us what's wrong, and most allergy tests aren't effective at this stage, the pediatrician has to assume that it is a milk protein allergy because that is the most common allergy babies tend to have. But something I am eating is irritating her little tummy and we need to figure out what it is, if I'm going to continue breastfeeding, which I desperately want to do.

Well, at Natalie's 2 month appointment last week, we were thrilled beyond belief to find that she had beefed up to a comfortable 6 lbs, 6.5 oz! My little porky pig! Gotta love it!!! However, I reported to the doc that she was still having the same issues that led us to believe she had the milk protein allergy. So then the doc tells me I should additionally avoid soy, as many babies who have the milk-protein allergy tend to have a cross-reaction to soy. Which is tough because so many of the dairy substitutes I've discovered I can eat contain some form of soy. And THEN, if that doesn't seem to fix the problem, our next step would be eliminating gluten from my diet as well.

FML.

What's left for me to eat? Next she's going to tell me I have eliminate all fruits and vegetables, and then meat... so I might as well just drink lots of water and hope for the best. OK, so I'm being sarcastic... but still, it's very frustrating. As if we haven't had enough issues getting this kid to come around, and now this?!

I love my daughter more than life itself, and I want to give her what's best for her... especially given how hard her first 5 weeks of life were, but I know that I'm gonna have to draw the line somewhere if we don't get some answers quick. What sucks is that any lactation consultants, Le Leche representatives, and other breastfeeding fanatics will make you feel like you are committing a cardinal sin if you decide to stop breastfeeding your kids. Makes me feel kinda bad for those women who physically CANNOT do it, because it's really hard, if not impossible, for some people to do it. And the experts say that the initial breastmilk (called colostrum) is the absolute most important, so even if that's all that babies get, it's at least something. But there is this horrible feeling of guilt that overwhelms me whenever I think about stopping. Like I'm doing wrong by Natalie if I don't give her mother's milk. So far, she's gotten ten weeks of my milk, and even that is more than some babies are able to get. So if I stopped, at least I could say she was breastfed for some time. But this is not coming easy, to either of us. The diet issues aside, it's not as if she is latching and drinking normally... if she were, I think this might be a much easier process. But because I can't tell how much she's getting when she DOES latch on, we have to follow up her nursing attempts with a bottle regardless... and then I have to pump so we have enough milk for her next bottle. So, ultimately, me stopping breastfeeding might be the healthiest option for ALL of us. I could go back to eating like a normal person and not have to worry about eliminating anything else from my diet. And it will allow Dave to have more of a hand in the feedings without me having to be there to provide the milk. And it will allow me to get more sleep, instead of going through all the motions we are currently going through. That takes a lot of time, and it's not a lot of fun at 3:30 am, lemme tell ya.

Unfortunately, however, should we choose to put her on formula entirely (she already gets a little bit with her breastmilk for increased caloric value) we have to give her a special hypoallergenic formula that is not milk-based, called Nutramigen. This stuff smells HORRENDOUS, and I'd imagine it probably doesn't taste much better. When our first can of formula ran out, we tried to switch it up and give her some Alimentum, which is the competitors' version of the same thing. And she made it clear that wasn't gonna fly. She took a few sips of it, and scrunched her little face into this twisted frown and let out a shriek that I don't ever want to hear again. So, back to the Nutramigen we went. And OF COURSE these hypoallergenic formulas are a lot more expensive than your garden variety milk-based infant formula. I am hoping to talk to our pediatrician and the GI doc about getting some samples from their formula reps... but otherwise, it's going to become a huge financial burden. Which is part of the reason I'm still trying so hard to give her breastmilk - that's free! But obviously it's coming with a price if it's going to require me constantly adjusting my diet and stressing over her gastric health... so... who knows what'll end up happening.

So, it's a lot to think about, for sure. And for now, I'm going to continue business as usual (still nursing her, but keeping gluten in my diet for the moment) until we have our appointments with the gastroenterologist to see if they can shed any further light on the situation. Til then, eat some cheese for me.

Time waits for nobody

Damn, I am a sucky blogger.

I haven't blogged in six weeks. My bad. Granted, having a newborn at home keeps you a lil busy, but still. I suck.

Way too much has happened since my last blog entry for me to try to update with specifics. But basically, the only thing that really is important to know... is that our beautiful angel baby girl came home on February 5th, 2010. She was discharged from the hospital weighing in at 4 lbs, 6 oz, which, eerily enough is what her Mama weighed when she went home from the very same hospital 30 1/2 years ago!

Anyway, we've spent two and a half glorious weeks at home with her so far and, while definitely experiencing sleep deprivation firsthand, we are loving every second. She is amazing, and growing and changing every day. As of her last pediatrician appointment on 2-19-10, she was 5 lbs, 4 oz, and I'd venture a guess that she's put on a few oz even since then.

Tomorrow, chronologically, Natalie will be 8 weeks old. I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around that concept. It seems like yesterday when I was lying in that hospital bed, not knowing what the next hour would bring. And all of those countless trips down to see Natalie in the NICU... 38 days worth. Sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. The ups and downs we faced... the days that seemed like they would never end, and those when the sun set before I even realized I hadn't eaten breakfast.

I'm experiencing a new meaning of the word tired. And those Moms who say, "try to sleep when the baby sleeps" are smoking crack. There is a lot of life to be lived in the brief hours you have while your infant is soundly sleeping. There is laundry to be done. Thank you notes to be written. Breast pumps and bottles to be washed and sanitized. Food to be eaten (I'm good at forgetting that one). Showers to be taken. Houses to be cleaned. And so on, and so forth.

I am definitely getting *some* sleep, thanks to my lovely husband who lets me skip a feeding or two now and then and takes bottle duty. But in the end, all of the hard work, the struggle, and the exhaustion is worth it.

So I'm back, and I'm committing to keeping up with this blog a little better. I might even go back and type out the rest of Natalie's birth story... though to document all 38 days in the NICU would not only be boring and tedious, but most likely impossible, considering all of the days basically ran together in my brain anyway. But I'll at least attempt to get it all down and recorded so someday I can tell Natalie her tale. :)

The best Christmas present EVER

...was my daughter, Natalie Diana Rolston.

Wow. My daughter. That seems so strange to say. But it's real now. SHE'S real. I can say it and mean it! WOW!!!!

Ok, so here goes the *very* long story... this is more for documentation for me though I hope those reading this don't hate me for being so wordy...

So, picking up where I left off on Christmas Eve. My spirits began to rise the next day, as it was Christmas and I literally had a blizzard of visitors and presents and love surrounding me all day. I'm surprised the nurses didn't say something; at one point I think we my have had 10+ people by my bedside. But... it was theraputic and wonderful to have everyone. AND Dave was allowed to bring Sammy down to the lobby to see me for a quick 10 minute visit, and that helped calm my nerves just to hug my pup again. I was fearful that I might not see him again for weeks but at least I got to say I love you to him and wrap my arms around that big scruffy neck. So, I got lots of nice gifts, and had some great visits with my family, the Rolstons, friends, etc... went to bed that night feeling a little more rested and settled.

On Saturday the 26th, things were much more quiet. I still had a slew of visitors but I seemed to be settling into hospital bedrest life. I was still getting regular blood pressure readings, and they would hook me up to the fetal non-stress monitor multiple times a day. The baby did not seem to want to cooperate and give them the movement they needed, so hours would go by with me hooked up to that thing. I will never forget the clip-clop sound of her heartbeat; while comforting, it was also annoying to have to constantly be connected to that damn thing. After an uneventful 26th, everything started to change on Sunday. I woke up, feeling normal. Had breakfast, enjoyed my morning coffee with Andrew (he would bring me Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts coffee every morning and sit and visit with me, it was awesome!) and got an amazing surprise - my lovely friend Andrea from Boston came to visit me! So as the afternoon progressed, was lying in bed watching the Eagles-Broncos game, and I started to get this headache... at first it was dull, but it began to progress. Now, when you have pre-eclampsia, they constantly ask you whether or not you have a headache, blurred vision, or spots in front of your eyes, as these are all major indicators that your blood pressure is high. And this was the first time I'd experienced any of these things. So around 5:30 I alerted the nurse that this headache had set in. But it crept up on me very quickly, and by 7:30, the pain had progressed from a "3 out of 10" to a "7 out of 10." So, I was starting to get very concerned. I couldn't eat or drink anything. I could barely think beyond the headache. They took me into the fetal non-stress room and hooked me up to the monitor, and gave me a cold washcloth for my forehead. But the pain wasn't going away. I asked again if I could take something for it, and they said they had to check with the doctor. Grrrr. It continued to escalate. By 8:30 I was in excruciating pain, but was finally given some percocet. At this point, my blood pressure was dangerously high, so they wheeled me, bed and all, into a labor and delivery room, where they could monitor me and the baby a little more privately and closely. Mom and Andrea came with me, but I couldn't even communicate, I was in so much pain. Andrea finally left; I felt so bad, she'd driven all the way from Long Island and I could barely visit with her! Mom stayed by my side all night, which, at the time concerned me because I was worried about her, but looking back, I'm really glad she was there. FINALLY, around 11 pm, the percs started to work and the headache began to diminish. They let me have some ice chips, but that was it. My appetite finally began to come back. But they had to take my blood pressure (which was still higher than they wanted it to be) every half hour, so sleep was near impossible.

Finally, early the next morning, they let me go back to my normal room. They'd given me some blood pressure medication to get it under control, and the headache was finally gone. There was a resonate dull ache in the back of my mind but I believe it was more fatigue than anything.

So, the 28th was another very quiet day. I warded off most visitors, but Andrea and Dave spent the better part of the day with me. Jen Woodruff popped in at night for a quick hello, but otherwise, I really laid low. At around midnight, the nurses came in and took my blood pressure, and it was actually the lowest it had been in four days, I was thrilled! I even texted Dave to tell him, and he was relieved.

And that's when the fun started.

3 am, the nurse comes in and gently wakes me to take my BP. It was around 190/110. Dangerously high. She immediately went to get the doctor. She comes back a few minutes later and informs me that "this baby is coming tonight." Tonight? What? But I was sleeping! And my pressure was fine three hours ago! C'mon! I began to tremble and tear up. I told them they couldn't touch me until my husband got there. So I immediately called him, praying that the phone would wake him up. He picked up, and I told him to get changed, and get down to the hospital - his daughter was going to be born. They wheeled me back to another labor and delivery room and started prepping me for the whole process. Dave got there at about 4 am, and they were still giving me information about the procedure and waiting on the anesthesiologist. They took a blood sample to see what my platelet count was like; if it was OK, I could get spinal anesthesia and Dave could be present for the birth. If they were low, I was going to have to get general anesthesia and be put under. Fortunately, my numbers were "good," (whatever that means) and THANK GOD the general anesthesia didn't have to happen. I don't do very well with anesthesia... and I really wanted Dave to be able to witness the birth of his daughter, and be there with me. We made phone calls to the McCords and Rolstons respectively, to let them know that this was happening, and make sure they were ready to come down once everything and everyone had stabilized... and then a gaggle of doctors and nurses flooded my room, asking me to sign papers, taking my thumbprints, and throwing all sorts of information at us that I can't imagine they expected us to absorb at that particular moment.

So at 5:45 AM, the the anesthesiologist arrives, shoots up my spine with the liquid magic, and the whole process began. As soon as I was numb enough from the waist down, the curtain went up, the lights went on, and the surgery began. Dave and the anesthesiologist were by my head the entire time, and we chatted it up the entire time. I had to keep talking, because, though I couldn't feel any pain down there, I could most certainly FEEL something, and I felt like I might throw up on everyone around me if I stopped talking long enough to really think about what was going on. I felt some tugging, pressure, and slight discomfort, but more from fear and uneasiness... I definitely was not in any pain, thankfully! Way to go Dr. Anesthesiologist! We talked about Boston, and about Bon Jovi (I think) and the anesthesiologist (whose name unfortunately escapes me now but he was the loveliest man!) told me about how both of his daughters were born premature, and are now consequently kicking ass and taking names, and kept stroking my face and encouraging me. Dave kept telling me how proud he was of me and what a great job I was doing, and how excited he was to meet Natalie. These were great distractions, and really kept me from thinking too much about what was currently happening a few feet further south.

And that's when we heard it.

A brief but piercing cry, as our baby girl was lifted out into the world at 6:08 AM, to let us all know she was here and her lungs worked on their own!!! Dave and I both began to cry, and the doctors and nurses began congratulating us. A few seconds later, they literally gave Dave 30 seconds to stand up and peek over the curtain and see his spawn - and I commend him for taking some really great pictures in the few seconds they gave him! - and then they cleaned her up and whisked her away to the NICU (neo-natal intensive care unit) to warm her up and check her out futher. I never got to see her... which bothered me slightly at the time but between the drugs and the confusion and fear I was feeling, I didn't vocalize anything... just laid there with a sense of relief knowing that she came out and voiced her opinion to the world, and that was step 1 of knowing that she was OK. No sooner had they gotten her out of the room then they began to sew me up and prepare me to head up to the ICU to recover.

Since I'm realizing now that this blog post could go on for quite some time, and could potentially be published into a novel of it's own, I will write part 2 of this story in a forthcoming update... but for now, suffice to say, my beautiful angel of a daughter is here, and we couldn't be prouder.