better late than never

Natalie had her 9 month appointment this past week. And she is making amazing strides. Dr. Jen is thrilled with her progress, and since last Wednesday we've even added some dairy back into Nat's diet. Our hope is that she has outgrown her awful cow's milk protein allergy and we can stop feeding her the liquid gold (Nutramigen AA) and get her onto a more affordable formula that her little belly can tolerate. And then, hopefully, even whole milk when she's past 1 year!!!

Anyway, that said, I have been reflecting a lot these past few days as to just how lucky we are that Natalie is here with us to help me tell her tale. We were so lucky... given how early she came, her low birth weight, her first few days in the NICU struggling to gain some solid ground. Someone was looking down on us during that frosty January as she fought to survive...  Natalie managed to avoid so many of the complications she could have faced... I'll say it again - we are just SO lucky. And I tell her that every single day with abundant hugs, kisses, snuggles, and zerberts.

Again, that said... in my reflection, I have to acknowledge what this past Friday signified. October 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. To so many heartbroken families, this is a day to remember those amazing and beautiful little people who tried so hard to fight and unfortunately lost their battles. I know a few people who have had to deal with such loss, and to them, my heart truly goes out. Even one person is one too many. So, as this post's title states, I felt it was better late than never to acknowledge this day. I sit here a humbled woman - realizing just how fortunate I am that my beautiful daughter sleeps soundly upstairs in her crib and continues to awe and inspire us every day with her strength, tenacity, and spirit.

need.to.slow.down.

Let me begin by saying, I had an awesome day today. I was home from work, the weather was nice, and I got to spend the whole day with my best girlfriend, Natalie Diana Rolston. It's important to point this out, because the rest of this post is one big complaint. You've been warned.

I haven't blogged in like 2 months. And so much has changed in that 2 months. Natalie survived her first vacation to OCNJ. Both my MIL and FIL were hospitalized for a mini-stroke and a minor heart attack, respectively. My Great Uncle Don died. I started working out 3x a week at 5:30 am. I took on a second job (at which I am being fully taken advantage of, and I really can't stand, but that's another blog for another day). I've been doing a lot of volunteer work for Bark For Life. I've been putting in 14-16 hour days a few times a week and have managed to avoid getting sick until now, but for the past few days my throat has been sore and I've been feeling really weary... so I'm really hoping that this isn't the beginning of something awful.

But enough about me. Onto the good stuff. Natalie survived her first vacation to OCNJ. She started taking swim classes at the YMCA. She sleeps through the night like a champ - 10-11 hours on a good night. She loves to play with toys, especially anything that plays music or lights up. She learned how to sit up on her own, and can now feed herself small bits of food with her fingers. Still no teeth, but she loves her some baby food! She can't crawl yet, but when on her belly, she can scooch backwards and get herself from point A to point B. She is incredibly vocal, and is always trying to communicate - sometimes it even sounds like she is singing! I'd imagine that talking may very well be her next milestone. She's not far from saying "Da Da" and meaning it. It wouldn't surprise any of us, since I started talking at 10 months. She sorta knows how to wave bye bye, and with some practice, gets the idea of a high five. She loves music and giggles all the time. She's turning into an amazing, beautiful little girl and moving away from that helpless little baby that she was for so long. She requires a lot more attention now, and while she's a pretty good napper, when she's awake, she typically requires a lot out of  her caregiver. And my most favorite days are when I actually get a day or a half day off and can spend time with her. Of course for the past 2 or 3 weeks, any days I've had off, it's been pouring rain and I haven't been able to enjoy the outdoors with her. But that's neither here nor there. That's just Mother Nature playing games with me.

But this mommy is tired. I am wiped out. Zonked. I am stretching myself way too thin and I don't know how to slow down. I guess it's not in my nature. I am green with envy at all of my SAHM friends who are enjoying this beautiful autumn with their beautiful babies, and I am running myself ragged to bring in a pathetic extra paycheck. I never thought I wanted to stay at home, and in truth I don't want to full time. But now that Natalie is changing and growing and so much fun, it kills me to leave the house at 9:00 am and not get home until 7 or 8 that night. I've missed the entire day with her. Some nights the only time I get with her is that final kiss goodnight as she's already slumbering away in her crib. And it makes me sad. Sometimes I even cry myself to sleep at night once Dave's gone to bed. I just don't understand why it has to be so hard. Now, I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party here. I know we're not the first young family to struggle. I just don't get how other people make it seem so effortless and easy to dedicate their lives to raising their children and not have to worry about where they're gonna get money to pay bills and buy groceries, etc. And then on the days that I am home, I don't want to do ANYTHING productive, so my laundry piles up and the house doesn't get clean. I end up getting sucked into chatting on the computer and then I'm wasting all the free time I actually do have listening to my friends and their drama.

That's another thing wiping me out. I love my friends dearly but holy GOD do I know some doozies! I sometimes just want to hide myself away from all the drama, because I feel like it begins to infiltrate my own mind and I don't have time for that!!! It's mentally exhausting, especially when I feel like I have to be careful to say the right thing because people have a heightened sensitivity factor. But, I know, that's what friends are for, and despite Dave constantly making fun of me (and asking me why I'm not getting paid for the therapy I'm administering), I listen and give support when and where I can. But sometimes I just want to make myself invisible (both online and in real life) to avoid it, for just one night.

But anyway back to the work thing - I guess everyone's situation is different, and how people do what they do ain't none of my business. I just know that in our world, I have to work if we want to maintain the quality of life that we know and love. And even with me working, we've had to cut corners as any new family who's on a limited income does. But when it came down to things like cancelling all the paid cable channels and dropping our iPhone service, and getting rid of the house phone and cancelling the gym membership (among many other things), I realized that I'd rather put in that time at work to be able to enjoy those mini-luxuries. And on the upside (if there is one to be found), at least I'm lucky enough to only have to work 25 hours, and not 40+ like some moms I know. And for the time being we're still managing to save money on daycare by utilizing mine and Dave's moms... and the occasional helpful friend (thank you Jen and Katelyn and Lauren and everyone else who's lent a hand!!!!).

The most depressing thing is the realization that, unless something changes dramatically, there's a good chance that Natalie could be an only child. If we're having this much trouble making ends meet with only one, how the hell would two work?! How do people do it with 3, 4, or more? And the Duggars? Don't even get me started on them. LOL. Good thing we have a few years before we have to make that kind of decision!

I just know that I need to slow down before I burn myself out completely and then I'm useless to my family and myself. That cannot happen.

I just need more days like today. But unfortunately, they only come once a week.