Guilt

I'm told that from the minute your child arrives, motherly guilt sets in. And it doesn't ever stop. This is proving to be very true for me, and I'm having a really hard time with it. First, I was feeling guilty because I wasn't necessarily eating as well as I could have been, and had the fear of GD looming over me. But, we got past that with no problems, and no diagnosis, and I spent the last 6 weeks that I was pregnant trying harder to be healthier for her. Then (and this was a major one) I was feeling  terribly guilty that my body failed Natalie when she was born so early, and that she was forced to struggle for the first few weeks of her life because I didn't do for her what I should have. That took awhile to get past... and even now, when I look at other people's kids who are "term" babies, I sometimes still feel sad and think, what if things had been different and I'd carried her longer. And now it's the guilt of not being able to nurse her the way I'd wanted/hoped to. Granted, it's not really my "fault," but I still feel bad about it. And we've finally gotten to a point where my breastmilk is just no longer going to work for her. I've eliminated everything imaginable from my diet, as discussed in a previous post, and poor Natalie is still having trouble. So within the next two weeks or so, my daughter will be solely formula-fed. And unfortuntaely, the formula that we have to put her on is $40 a can... this is even more expensive than the Nutramigen we thought we'd have her on previously (turns out, there's still hydrolized cow's milk in it, so that's out) so it's going to put us in the poorhouse. Never mind the fact that I've just this week resigned from my job, but that's a topic for another post entirely - coming soon! Luckily I was able to buy a few cases through eBay auctions for half the price, but they won't last us long once she's fully formula fed and taking more at each feeding.
But it's something I'm really struggling with and I'm not sure how to get past! What doesn't help my case is that whenever I do internet research on her allergy or the formula we have to put her on, I find a bunch of responses from people who chastize formula-feeders and stress the importance of breastmilk and ONLY breastmilk. Well, those mofos need to walk a minute in my shoes and see how they feel. It's hard. Really freaking hard. Especially when your supply is good and you are PHYSICALLY able to do something that just doesn't work for your child. It's not fair for them to make you feel even worse than you already do about something that is beyond your control, especially when it's medically necessary. And my friends and family are trying to be supportive - telling me I've done an awesome job, to cut myself a break... but I really don't think they understand how hard this is on me... and if they were in my situation, they'd get why it's such a difficult thing to deal with. But I appreciate their support nonetheless.
I've also been attending monthly meetings at a preemie parent support group, and it has been VERY beneficial. The other Moms there are really nice and are a huge wealth of knowledge and information. And it did help surpress my guilt a little bit - since they all knew exactly what I was feeling. But, at the end of the day, I still feel that guilt. I want to do what's best for my little girl, no matter what. And sometimes what I'm doing just doesn't feel like enough.