Pros and Cons of hospital life

Having never been hospitalized before (at least not that I can remember), my only perception of it is either what I've experienced from visiting others, or what I've absorbed from highly overbudgeted prime-time television. But regardless, I've never had a pretty picture of it in my mind, and I'm experiencing firsthand that living in a hospital sucks.

Everyone keeps saying to me, "well you're in good hands, you're where you belong..." and trust me, peeps, I get that. But it doesn't make it any easier to swallow or digest that you are BEDRIDDEN and under constant supervision when you FEEL FINE. It's very very very hard, and for those who know me well, you know that I am an on-the-go kinda girl. Who doesn't like to be told what to do. And here in the hospital, I am constantly being told what to do and not allowed to be on the go whatsoever. So, I'm doing my absolute best to deal.

Having said that, I've been trying to make a list of pros and cons of this hospital stay... and naturally, the list of cons FAR outweighs the pros... but I thought I'd identify some of the "good," and the "bad" things about this hospital stay.

Pros:

• feeling so loved and supported, to the point of being humbled... I am not someone who likes to be waited on or taken care of, and all I can do is lay in this bed and be at the mercy of those who love me and want to do everything in their power to make me feel better and more comfortable. I have heard from both my nearest and dearest, and friends from long long ago who are reaching out to give their support, and it feels amazing. I feel so loved and appreciated and it's making the mental element of this ordeal a lot easier to digest.
• Not having to go to work for a LONG time
• My hairdryer - I am allowed one shower a day, and depending on which nurse is on at the time, they even let me get out of bed and sit in the chair across the room for 5-10 minutes to dry my nappy hair after I get out. It's the only thing that helps me feel a little more human and ready to face any visitors that may come... and it's really the only thing I have to look forward to each day.

Ok, so I guess that's it for the pros.

Cons:

• Anti-embolism compression stockings - these fucking things... SKIN TIGHT thigh-high stockings that I have to wear AT ALL TIMES... they are designed to prevent swelling and prevent an embolism. they are making my legs itch, sweat, and cutting off circulation at times when they slip out of place. They are HORRIBLE. Certain nurses who've proven friendlier or warmer than others have given me temporary reprieves from wearing them, but for the most part, they are ordered to be on me at all times (other than when I'm in the shower) and they are the absolute, 100% worst part of being here.
• Missing my dog, my house, my shower, my toilet, my STUFF - luckily, the human beings in my life can come to me and bring some of the comforts of home, but it's just not the same. Though I was lucky enough to get a special Christmas day visit from my fluffy son, I miss him so terribly, I can't even put it into words. I lay here in this hospital bed craning my neck over my right shoulder (as I'm being given strict orders to rest on my left side, and the tv is behind me) I think about how nice it would be to be snuggled in on my overstuffed couch with pillows cushioning me on all sides, and actually have access to REAL television, and not the major networks and the frickin' Newborn channel.
• Hospital food - Ugh. All I can say. And truthfully, honestly, it's not THAT bad. But it's just eating your meals off a tray, from your bed, in a semi-upright position, in a hospital, that sucks. Luckily for me, I don't seem to be on any sort of restricted diet, so Mom and Dave both brought me plates from their various Christmas dinners attended. So, that's made things a little better. But still, it's depressing to know you won't sit at a table and enjoy a real meal with other civilized people for a very long time.
• Stale air - hospital air is dry and still. And THANK GOD the window in my room cracks open a few inches so I can at least get some air flow in (considering these Godforsaken stockings have me sweating bullets at night). I'm not allowed to go outdoors, and I'm not sure how I am going to breathe in and out this stale dry hospital air for the next 30+ days without any exposure to the outdoors. I guess I need to start trying to bribe nurses for some privileges. I can't help but equate this to being in my own personal prison... I know there's no comparison, but it feels that way.
• Crying babies - I know, I know... I'm in a maternity ward. And women are having babies on a daily basis. But I'm not, yet. And it's really hard to listen to the little babies as they get wheeled in to their Moms for feedings, and know how unknown and unsure my situation really still is... it's very sad. Especially because there will be no wheeling Natalie Diana in to me, she will be all wired and connected in the NICU and I will be staring at her through a thick pane of glass until she is big and strong enough to actually be held by me.
• Lack of sleep - between the thrice-nightly wake up calls for blood pressure readings, Non-Stress Tests, and blood work, it's impossible to get a solid night's sleep. And let's not even discuss the terribly uncomfortable, unbreathable bed to which I'm confined. And during the day, I can't get any rest because I typically have a constant stream of visitors. Which, I'm certainly not complaining about... but it makes it hard to catch some shuteye. I am thinking that the flow of visitors will begin to slow down now that people will start returning to work and have gotten their initial visit out of the way, which again, I appreciate so much... but it's hard when I start to get tired and I have people overlapping one another in and out the door from dawn to dusk. And then of course, once Dave or the last evening visitor has left and it's finally time to sleep... well, I have no interest in sleeping then and I am craving attention. Go figure
• People trying to commiserate - let's face it... unless you've been hospitalized for any length of time, you cannot possibly know how awful this experience is. Yes, it's easy to say, "oh well you're in the best place for you and your little girl, "and "it's a good thing they caught it when they did, " as if I don't know these things, but again, it doesn't suddenly make being confined to a hospital bed all the more appealing. I realize that every day I am in here, and still pregnant, is a good day for both me and the baby, and the longer she stays in me, the less time she'll have to spend in the NICU once she's born... but still... it just sucks. I want to get my daughter here in the best health and condition possible, but it doesn't mean that I can EVER be happy about my current situation.

So, as you can see, the bad far outweighs the good. I could keep going with the cons, unfortunately, all day, but this blog post would get annoyingly long, and repetitive. The truth of the matter is, I'm unhappy. I'm trying to stay positive, but my back and legs are getting sore from lying still all day long, and my blood pressure readings don't seem to be really improving, so I'm getting frustrated in not knowing what's next and waiting for each next reading. The hope of being released anytime soon for home bedrest has all but flown out the window, so now I just have to keep praying that another nurse will take pity on me and let me take off these stockings to let my legs breathe for ten minutes.

Christmas Eve - 30 weeks - and my worst nightmare come true

So, a follow up to my previous post. The swollen ankles. At the time, seemed bad, but were easily explained by the day's events.

Well, apparently not so much.

I went to work on Tuesday, and was admittedly very agitated and stressed. Got some news about some bonuses being issued to very undeserving managers and that there was "no bonus structure in place for someone in my role," so I was heated about that. Plus I arrived down at one of our Chester properties and the manager was sick as a dog with a sinus infection and had only JUST started her Z-pack a few hours prior. Great. Thanks.

I took my very comfy slip on clogs off to wiggle my toes, get the blood flowing, and once again noticed excessive swelling. I knew this wasn't normal, or right. So I called the doctor, just to see what they said. I had my regular 30 week appointment scheduled for the following Monday, but just in case they felt like it was worthy of me being checked out, I called. And they brought me in at 4:30. They took a urine sample, and weighed me. I had put on ELEVEN POUNDS in the two weeks since my previous appointment, which, is not normal pregnancy weight gain, especially in someone who is clinically overweight like myself. The doctor explained that the fluid retention was the cause of the edema (swelling) and the extremely high levels of protein in my urine were all major pointers to pre-eclampsia... a syndrome that my mother had when she had me, and that is somewhat common in many first-time pregnancies, especially when the patient has a family history of it. For those reading who are unfamiliar, here is more information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pre-eclampsia

Anyway - the doctor prescribed I do a 24 hour urine collection test, which was a real picnic, lemme tell ya... and I had to bring the specimen to Phoenixville Hospital at 8 am on Thursday morning for analysis. Little did I know, the analysis consisted of several hours of waiting, blood draws, Non-Stress Tests, and tears.

My blood pressure at the impromptu appointment the other day was higher than normal but not a concern to the doc at the time (which is a miracle considering how pissed and flustered I'd been at work that day), but today when they took it, it had jumped CONSIDERABLY. To the point where they were talking about transporting us to CHOP due to the severity of my situation. But they wanted to wait until a few more lab results came back from the blood work before they formulated a plan.

So around 11 am, Dr. Cantarella (who happened to be on call here all day, Thank GOD) came in to my room and informed me that, not only would I not be going to Boston next week for our little "babymoon," but I wouldn't even be leaving the hospital, and I was to go on immediate strict bedrest, and be under constant supervision. She also started spewing out really scary phrases like, "pre-term delivery," and "30 weeks is a little early, ideally we'd like to be at 32 or 33." Um, ok... so how do we do that?

We keep Lindy confined to a crappy hospital bed on Christmas Eve indefinitely, and just take her blood pressure and urine samples every five seconds until we decide the baby has to come out.

Scary thing about that... the baby's lungs are nowhere near fully developed. After all, I do have 10 weeks to go... 7 of which are critical until i'm considered full term. But with preeclampsia, it's terribly dangerous for the mother-to-be to go to term, so typically they induce as soon as they feel the symptoms can no longer be controlled. My doctor doesn't choose to treat with medicine, only bedrest. And very depressingly... the bedrest HAS to be hospital monitored. I can't even go home and rest there... I have to be here. I only wish I'd known as I walked out the door this morning with only the clothes on my back and my purse that it would be the last time I'd be seeing my house for many weeks, if not months... *gulp* I certainly would have given Sammy a much bigger hug and kiss and grabbed a few of my personal and comforting effects. Luckily, Dave is a gem and ran around the house like a maniac bringing me the things I need (hence, why I am blogging about this now, from my beautiful laptop) but still... it would have nice to have been able to prepare myself a little bit for this trauma I am now going through.

So, I lie here, on Christmas Eve... staring up at the lonely mini tree my parents lovingly brought for me to try to dress up my room and half listening to 'A Christmas Story' on TV. Next to that tree is a beautiful picture of my little fluffy boy sitting with Santa Paws... and I am doing everything in my human power not to break down and cry every few minutes. I do realize that I have to do EVERYTHING in my power to keep calm and collected so as to keep my pressures down and not jeopardize Natalie, but... it's really hard. It's so lonely. I want to be at home on my couch, watching Elf snuggled under too many blankets, with Dave asleep at my feet and Sam asleep on the floor an arm's length away. Instead, I'm here. And I'm sad. And hoping this doesn't spiral into a much deeper depression as my head is haunted with all of the thoughts of what may come and the dangers we may face, with not only my health, but my poor baby who may be premature... ugh. I just can't do it. But I have nothing else to think about, and sleep is just not happening. That's a guarantee.

As Mr. Garrison would say, Merry Fucking Christmas.

Home for the Holidays my ass.

These are a few of my favorite things...

Starting at about 8 am this past Saturday, the snow began to fall. And didn't stop until sometime in the early morning hours on Sunday. We got a total accumulation of about 10 inches, though there are parts of the area that were pushing 16-18! Needless to say, I stopped at Target on Friday night, picked up the necessities for a snow-in, and hunkered down with Dave and Sammy to weather the storm.

Friday night I was slightly upset; I finally changed out of my work clothes, took off my shoes and socks, and found my ankles and feet to be so swollen... well, more swollen than I'd ever seen them. Now, I am well aware that swelling is one of the lovely things that goes along with pregnancy, however, this was disturbing. I'd rolled ankles in soccer games that didn't swell this severely. I also know that severe swelling can also indicate preeclampsia, and although I have no reason to worry about that now, it's still a concern, considering my mom had it with me!

But, the truth of the matter is that I think I just really pushed myself to hard this past week; I was running all over God's creation for work, culminating in being in charge of shopping for, and setting up for our region's holiday luncheon on Friday. I was on my feet for the better part of the day, and I think this was my body's way of telling me to chill the eff out. So, that's exactly what I did for the past two days. I sat around, watched multiple episodes of TV shows I'd missed in the past few months, watched a few movies, and ATE. Boy did I eat. I took Sam out to play in the snow. I took naps. It was really quite lovely. I can't think of anyone I would have rather been snowed in with for two days than Dave and Sam (except maybe Natalie!), and I am thankful for the weather because it forced me to just chill out and not be on the go, like I so often am. I have 3 more full days of work and then ELEVEN days off... I cannot even begin to explain how amazingly awesome that is going to be. Once I'm back at work on the 4th, I feel like time is going to FLY!!! I won't lie, as excited as I am for Christmas and New Years just being around the corner, I am NOT looking forward to the marathon which is Christmas day... it would be really nice to be able to just hang here at the house, but alas... that isn't going to happen. We will be up and moving early, and finally come home and collapse at about 8 pm. At least this year Christmas is on a Friday so we have the entire weekend to chill afterwards... that'll be nice! But so help me God, next year, the rules of the game will change. More on that later :)

So what's new in baby world, you ask?

Well, I'm starting to get big, and moving at a much slower pace than before. As of today (Sunday), I am 29 weeks, 3 days. Kind of hard to believe that this little girl will be here in approximately 10 weeks. I am still feeling well, more or less... though sleeping has become an unpleasantly difficult task. I tend to sleep best when I'm on the couch, amazingly enough. But I am getting up to go to the bathroom 2-4x a night now... and waking up practically every hour just to reposition myself and get comfortable. I'm afraid that's only going to get worse as time goes on... so I've taken to just letting myself sleep on the couch when I fall asleep there... at least I tend to sleep a little better! Which is ridiculous because our bed is extremely comfortable.

Anyway - things are going well. In the home stretch now... and getting very excited to meet this little girl. Though I have a lot of fears (which I'll save for another post) looming over me, I think the anticipation of finally holding my baby in my arms is starting to overpower everything else.

My next doctor's appointment is Monday the 28th, and then I will start going every 2 weeks after that... until we're at 36 weeks, when they'll start seeing me every week! OMG!!!