My how far we've come...

My darling lovey-bear,

Oh.My.God. You are one. ONE. You are a full year old. You have been on this earth with me and Daddy and everyone that loves you for an entire year. Twelve full months. And it seems like just yesterday I was reaching into that isolette and touching your tiny hand for the very first time.

This exact time, one year ago, I hadn't even met you yet. I was lying helpless in a hospital bed, hating every second of it, trying to recover from a very serious illness and rather major surgery. Everyone kept bringing me pictures of you and telling me how beautiful you were, but I wanted to see you. With my own eyes. And touch you with my own hands. Everything hurt. It hurt to laugh, it hurt to cry, and my heart hurt. I just wanted to be a Mommy to you, to hold you and tell you that everything would be ok, and kiss your itty bitty forehead and sing you a lullaby. You and I were both having a rough time, but we are also both very strong and knew that we had to fight, so we could have a shot at being Mommy and Daughter. And we succeeded! Here we are today, to tell our tale.

Stevie Wonder said it best: you truly are the sunshine of my life. You make every day brighter. You are so chock full of personality - every day shapes you a little more into this incredible mini person. You are so smart - though you haven't yet learned how to verbalize what you want to say, you don't hesitate to try! You understand so much more than we even realize, and your never cease to amaze me with the things you know. You are so determined - you will pull yourself up on just about any surface and grab anything that is within reach. It's only a matter of time before you're walking, then running... poor Sammy has no idea what he's in for in a few months! You are curious and nosy and even the tiniest sound will pique your interest and your head whips around to see what's going on. I love that when you get sleepy, you take a soft toy and rub your nose with it, and then snuggle your head down onto my shoulder and softly babble in my ear. I love how excited you get when your Daddy comes in the door - you practically vibrate! I love that you reach out to me now when you want me to hold you - there is nothing quite like that feeling! I love how much you love your Nanas and Grandpas... it's so important to us that you have a good relationship with them and I'm so glad that you are able. It's one thing I wish I'd had more of in my youth. And I love, LOVE, LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE your laugh. It is the most magical, beautiful sound I could ever ask to hear. I wish I could bottle it up and keep it forever... it is the remedy for even the most awful of moods or saddest of days. You have the ability to bring a smile to anyone's face with that little giggle. I could go on and on about all the things I love about you... they truly are endless.
I think about the teeny tiny baby that you were, and the big girl you're turning out to be now... it brings tears of joy to my eyes to know how far you have come. Since day one, you have been strong and brave, and just simply amazing, and I cannot rightfully put into words how proud I am to be your mama. We have our great days, and our not so great days... but ultimately, every day with you in it is a good one. You are SO loved by SO many people, many of whom have been following your story since before you were even here. You are my best friend in the whole world and I hope we can stay that way for a long, long time. I will accept the grim reality that the day may come where you can't stand me, but I also know that there is a light at the end of that tunnel and you'll come back to me one day. But, no sense in rushing things. Right now, I'll soak up all of the mini Natalie goodness I can, and enjoy every moment of your childhood. Your Daddy and I love you with all our hearts and have had so much fun with you in this past year - we can only imagine what the rest of them will have in store! Even your big brother Sammy is coming around - you two seem to really enjoy eachother more and more each day!
Thank you for being you, Natalie. Happy first birthday, and here's to many happy and healthy more.
I love you so very much, little girl.
with all my love,
Mommy xoxo

Retrospect...

Last year, at this exact time, I was hooked up to a fetal non-stress monitor, confused as hell, and scared out of my mind. My OB was moments away from delivering the news that I was a very sick woman and that I would not be leaving the hospital until our baby was ready to enter the world. I had nothing but the clothes on my back with me.
Anyone who knows me should know that while I'm blessed with many wonderful qualities, patience is not one of them. By nature, I am a nurturer and a caregiver, but I am a terrible patient. And here I am being told that my baby's life is in danger, and I have make the hospital my home away from home until the baby was cooked enough. This was to be anywhere from 4 to 8 weeks. FOUR TO EIGHT WEEKS?! IN A HOSPITAL BED? I'm amazed I kept my composure as long as I did. I started getting very very sad... my holiday plans were obviously thwarted. There would be no sweet potato casserole or parsnips for me. There would be no watching Elf and drinking hot cocoa and snuggling on the couch with Sam. SAM!!! I wouldn't see Sam for potentially two months? That piece may have pushed me over the edge.
No, what really pushed me over the edge was when a neonatologist approached us to explain the dangers of an early delivery and the complications and risks we'd potentially be facing. Um, sorry, what?! Last week my 28 week appointment was great! I was fine! Now we're talking about the baby coming early and lung development and... WTF?!?!?!? I began to be flooded with selfish thoughts... this kid had better get here soon! I can't stay here for the long haul! But, I knew that it was best for her to stay in there as long as possible. So, I was mentally preparing myself for the worst.
When it was official that I was being admitted, I was moved to the first room by the entrance to the maternity floor. I had my choice of rooms because the floor was virtually empty. No one else wanted to check in on Christmas Eve, apparently. I begged my OB to let me go home and pack a bag, but she was adamant that I get horizontal ASAP. As soon as I was in my bed, I was stuck with a ridiculously large needle in my ass to administer my first dose of steroids to help the baby's lungs develop. Apparently they only do this when they anticipate the worst, and early delivery is inevitable. My BFFs came running as soon as they heard the news, and once they arrived, that's when I finally lost it. Between a really nasty admitting nurse who was barking orders at me and scolding me (despite my obvious confusion and anxiety), to being handed a tri-fold hospital menu and told to select my Christmas dinner, to the terrible fear that was growing inside me that my baby really was in grave danger... it truly was one of the worst days I've ever experienced.


The next five days would be the most trying time of my life. Needless to say, Christmas last year SUCKED.


BUT


It is now a year later. We are all happy and healthy. We are all warm and have full bellies and snuggled up in our house, with fragrant candles burning and wrapping paper scattered everywhere. We haven't changed out of our PJs. Dave made us all a big breakfast (Nat enjoyed pancakes for the first time, and shared several bites with her furry brother), and are watching Christmas shows and movies on TV. We are all together, and will be for the duration of the holiday. Natalie will be spoiled rotten with love and gifts from her family and friends, and will have nothing but good memories (at least from the pictures we take!) from this Christmas. I am so grateful and humbled that we are in the position we are today. As my father said to me earlier, it was a significant price to pay last year, but SO worth the outcome. I could have never imagined I'd have such an amazing and beautiful little girl to share this Christmas with. I knew she'd be here, but I truly believe our experiences this time last year shaped her into the wonderful little person she is today. My daughter. My best friend. My heart.

Merry Christmas, everybody. Make sure to hug your loved ones a little tighter this year.