Half a year

Twelve months ago, your Daddy and I had only just learned of your presence inside my tummy.

Twelve months ago, I didn't know if you were going to be a Natalie or a Tyler.

Twelve months ago, I didn't know if I was going to be a good mother to you.

Twelve months ago, we began our journey together.

The first part of that journey ended on December 29th, 2009.

I cannot believe that tomorrow you will be half a year old.

I cannot believe how much I am truly enjoying being your Mommy.

I always liked kids, and knew I'd like motherhood, but had no idea what joy and fulfillment you'd bring to my life.

Your little smile brightens up the room regardless of how dark it is outside. You fill my heart with such happiness. I live my days with you at the forefront of my mind, and every decision I make ultimately comes back to you. I cherish every second we spend together and am having so much fun watching you learn, discover, and delight in the world around you. I am so looking forward to watching you grow up. I want to teach you things, and have you teach me. I want to sing to you, and make you laugh. I want you to look at me with that look that I know only a child can give it's mother. I want to kiss you goodnight every single night that you'll let me.

I cannot believe that tomorrow you will be six months old already.

A little over six months ago, I had no idea how my life was about to change so suddenly.

A little over six months ago, I was wrapping gifts, listening to Christmas music, and getting ready to indulge in many a holiday feast, dreaming of what it would be like to share it with you the following year.

Six months ago, we were both fighting for our lives, and nobody could say for sure what was going to happen to either of us.

Six months ago, I felt such terror and anxiety every day visiting you in your little box, longing to snuggle you and cuddle you, but knowing how fragile and helpless you really were. 

Six months ago, I cried myself to sleep many nights because you weren't there with me.

Five months ago, I experienced overwhelming joy and elation the day we were told you could finally come home with us. All 4 lbs, 6 oz of you.

 

In only six months, we've already been through a lot together. But really, our journey has only just begun. And now  I'm watching you peacefully sleep in your crib, loving you more and more every second of every day. I am so lucky to have you, and I am so grateful that you are a happy and healthy little girl. I am so proud of you for fighting so hard and for being so strong. I love you so very much, Natalie Noodle. 

Happy 6 months to you, my beautiful daughter.

All My Love, 

Mommy

Isn't it ironic (doncha think?)

I was just sitting here, blog-jumping, and came back to my own, and read back to the beginning of my pregnancy journey. And I found this entry, in which I was questioning my ability to be a Mommy. Which is not the ironic part, as I like to think I'm shaping up to be a lovely little Momma to my Noodle. But, what is ironic is the fact that just before I wrote that blog entry, I was watching "18 Kids and Counting" and marveling at Michelle Duggar's feat of bringing 18 children into this world. I never really watched that show regularly back then, in fact, I found the whole situation to be rather odd and really only watched it for curiosity's sake, not to be entertained. Little did I know, I would end up finding a kindred spirit in her, as we both were plagued with the same life-threatening condition that ultimately led to her show's title changing to "18 19 Kids and Counting" right around the same time Miss Natalie was born. Michelle announced her pregnancy in September, which they claim was unexpected so soon (please, your show was called "18 Kids AND COUNTING," there's no such thing as an unexpected pregnancy in your world) and ended up delivering baby Josie Brooklyn on December 10th or thereabouts, via an emergency c-section, at only 25 weeks gestation. I've been watching their show ever since I got home from the hospital and realized we'd been through the same thing, and when they show the NICU and tiny little Josie hooked up to all of those monitors and machines and the beeping etc etc etc, it's been hauntingly familiar and my heart completely goes out to Michelle Duggar. I know exactly what was feeling and how terrifying those first few days/weeks are. Only NICU Moms can really understand what other NICU Moms truly go through. Everyone else can try, but until you've been there, and it's been your tiny precious little one in that isolette that you can't hold close to you without medical supervision, you can't really begin to conceptualize what it's like. Though we appreciate everyone's effort :)
Unfortunately, Josie had a much much rougher NICU journey than Natalie. She was a full pound and a half smaller than Nat at birth, and suffered a perforated bowel within the first two weeks of her life, which set her recovery back tenfold. It's incredible just how important that extra 6 weeks in utero really is. In our case, the extra 5 days that they were able to keep Natalie inside me apparently were essential for lung development (in addition to the steroid shots I was given to help her along) and really gave her a better prognosis, being delivered at 31 weeks instead of 30. Amazing.
Anyway, the good news is, baby Josie Duggar is finally home with her family. She was initially released in April, but after less than 48 hours at home, she had to go back because she was having some issues and her vitals were not good. But now, at 5 1/2 months, she's once again home with her loving family, and it sounds as though she's there to say, God willing. Another part of the irony of all this is that the reason Josie had to go back into the hospital was she had some undiagnosed digestive issues. Turns out, the kid's allergic to dairy. Just like Natalie. It's so weird how similar our situations are. Though, mine was my first pregnancy and Michelle's was her 17th... but still, we have a bond even though we will likely never know one another.
Now, I don't want this blog post to turn into an ethical debate, because I have very strong feelings about the Duggars and the Quiverfull movement in which they are strong believers and active participants, however... I am so happy for them that their scary NICU nightmare is over, and they can begin to spend quality time, as a family, with their new beautiful baby girl. I know how precious and special that moment was to Dave and myself when we finally got to walk out the door of the Maternity ward at P-ville Hospital for the last time with our daughter in hand.

But I'm sure Michelle Duggar would whole-heartedly agree with me on one thing: Pre-eclampsia sucks.


(And the last thing I have to say is, hopefully the Duggars will think about what they've just been through, and use some sound judgement and wait awhile, to give Josie the extra care and TLC that she needs to catch up to her brothers and sisters, before they change the title of their show again.)  I digress...

A better blogger

Thinking about blogging has stressed me out lately.

I don't know why I can't seem to keep up with this. I really wanted to. Or at least I thought I did. I envy those who are able to check into their blogs regularly and update the world on their life and the exciting things happening in it. I had big plans to keep up with this blog, if not for myself, then for Natalie's sake - so when she gets older, she can read about my journey to get her here, and our adventures once she arrived. But I'm just not good at it. And I can't blame time - I have plenty of that. I just don't choose to write like I want to. I've come to the conclusion that I think I like reading other people's blogs more than writing my own. I don't feel like I am anywhere near as clever or verbally expressive as most of my blog-writing compadres and I sometimes feel like what I write comes out forced or put-on, if that makes sense. And I know it's not a competition, but I feel like there are so many more interesting blogs out there and that my ridiculous rambling drivel is probably just as uninteresting to others as it is to me.

That said, I sat down today to try to write. But, being the ever so slightly OCD person than I am, especially when it comes to doing things chronologically, I sat here trying to go back and figure out all of the things that were mentionable in the order that I felt it necessary to mention them. And I just got annoyed. That I can't just sit and write freely - that this has to feel like a process. I guess maybe this was more fun when I was still pregnant and there were all of those milestones and moments that were unique and fun and exciting.

But hang on.

Having a baby is unique and fun and exciting. And every baby is different. And everyone's journey into parenthood is different. And there are a lot of funny stories and moments that I could potentially share in this blog. And then I came to the grand realization; I'm just spending too much time enjoying Natalie and her progress in real life, and not worried about writing it down, because no matter what, I'll remember the parts that count and be able to share them with her when she needs or wants to know. 

So, all of that said, I'm going to attempt to be a "better blogger." But I won't sweat it, if, say, two months goes by without a word recorded. I don't need to jump online and document every time Natalie eats a different solid food, or bats an eyelash. Kudos to those of you out there reading this who may be able to keep up with detail like that. But this Mommy's got better things to do than stress over an outdated blog. ;-)