Moo = BOO

Every new Mom and Dad face challenges, however, having a preemie makes things just the teensiest bit more difficult. Your baby is smaller, a little behind developmentally, and requires a little more TLC to be able to do the things a term baby should be able to do. Our Natalie is coming along amazingly well, and growing by the day, but one big challenge we've faced since birth is her eating. Because she was born at 31 weeks, she was not developmentally advanced enough to be able to suck, swallow, and breathe at the same time, so her initial feedings (once she was off the IV nutrients on day 3) had to be administered via an NG (nasogastric) tube that went from her nose down into her tummy. As she got older, they started introducing a bottle every few feeds, and then every other feed, and by the time she was 3 weeks old, she was getting almost every feed by bottle, which was great. And I might add, she was being fed exclusively breastmilk once she no longer needed the IV nutrients, I was pumping 6-8x a day and bringing the goods down to the hospital when we went to visit her. Anyway I was very adamant about wanting to physically breastfeed her as soon as she was able. But even that was proving to be an issue early on. Because she was so small and her suck was still pretty weak, she was having difficulty latching om and getting anything out of me. I worked with a lactation consultant to get the technique right, and once I knew I was doing right on my end, we had to discuss options. Eventually we came up with a device that I could use to help Natalie latch on a little better, which we're still using to this day, but she's still not efficient.

And then... to top it ALL off...

Shortly after Natalie came home from the NICU, we found out that she may very well be allergic to milk protein. This poses a very large problem for me as a mother attempting to breastfeed - I had to eliminate any, and I mean ALL dairy, from my diet. This includes anything that has any form of milk in it at all. Not just skipping that cold glass of milk with my chocolate chip cookies. No milk, no butter, no cheese... and nothing that contains any of the aforementioned items. So suddenly I find myself standing in the grocery store 3x as long, reading labels closely so as not to miss anything that might damage my child's tummy. And lemme tell ya... you have NO IDEA how much of what we eat everyday has a form of dairy in it. Everything manages to squeeze it in. A lot of processed foods contain sodium caseinate, which is a sneaky way they can package their product and plaster the words "now with protein!" across the label, even though the product might not actually contain any proper milk. Unfortunately, casein is a form of cow's milk protein, and apparently my daughter's system can't handle it. At first, I was devastated; how can I go without my grande non-fat white chocolate mocha from Starbucks?! I tried the soy version of it; bleh. But luckily, with the aid of the internet, friends on Facebook, and our pediatrician's resources, I found a good list of things I am allowed to eat that do not contain dairy or traces of it - including Duncan Hines chewy fudge brownies, which I consequently went to BJ's Wholesale Club and bought in bulk for when I get cravings for dessert. Because if you've ever tried to find a dairy-free dessert that's even remotely worth eating, it's not an easy task. But, other than a few things that don't have a palatable substitute, I was OK with this dairy removal. Hoping it might even benefit my waistline. Ixnay on that. I'm still allowed to eat most carbs. Sigh.

Anyway, this milk-protein allergy this is not a life threatening allergy by any means. In fact, for all intents and purposes, it really seems to be more of a "sensitivity" than an actual allergy, and you might not even know this kid had a problem if you didn't examine her dirty diapers very closely. But, because she is too little to tell us what's wrong, and most allergy tests aren't effective at this stage, the pediatrician has to assume that it is a milk protein allergy because that is the most common allergy babies tend to have. But something I am eating is irritating her little tummy and we need to figure out what it is, if I'm going to continue breastfeeding, which I desperately want to do.

Well, at Natalie's 2 month appointment last week, we were thrilled beyond belief to find that she had beefed up to a comfortable 6 lbs, 6.5 oz! My little porky pig! Gotta love it!!! However, I reported to the doc that she was still having the same issues that led us to believe she had the milk protein allergy. So then the doc tells me I should additionally avoid soy, as many babies who have the milk-protein allergy tend to have a cross-reaction to soy. Which is tough because so many of the dairy substitutes I've discovered I can eat contain some form of soy. And THEN, if that doesn't seem to fix the problem, our next step would be eliminating gluten from my diet as well.

FML.

What's left for me to eat? Next she's going to tell me I have eliminate all fruits and vegetables, and then meat... so I might as well just drink lots of water and hope for the best. OK, so I'm being sarcastic... but still, it's very frustrating. As if we haven't had enough issues getting this kid to come around, and now this?!

I love my daughter more than life itself, and I want to give her what's best for her... especially given how hard her first 5 weeks of life were, but I know that I'm gonna have to draw the line somewhere if we don't get some answers quick. What sucks is that any lactation consultants, Le Leche representatives, and other breastfeeding fanatics will make you feel like you are committing a cardinal sin if you decide to stop breastfeeding your kids. Makes me feel kinda bad for those women who physically CANNOT do it, because it's really hard, if not impossible, for some people to do it. And the experts say that the initial breastmilk (called colostrum) is the absolute most important, so even if that's all that babies get, it's at least something. But there is this horrible feeling of guilt that overwhelms me whenever I think about stopping. Like I'm doing wrong by Natalie if I don't give her mother's milk. So far, she's gotten ten weeks of my milk, and even that is more than some babies are able to get. So if I stopped, at least I could say she was breastfed for some time. But this is not coming easy, to either of us. The diet issues aside, it's not as if she is latching and drinking normally... if she were, I think this might be a much easier process. But because I can't tell how much she's getting when she DOES latch on, we have to follow up her nursing attempts with a bottle regardless... and then I have to pump so we have enough milk for her next bottle. So, ultimately, me stopping breastfeeding might be the healthiest option for ALL of us. I could go back to eating like a normal person and not have to worry about eliminating anything else from my diet. And it will allow Dave to have more of a hand in the feedings without me having to be there to provide the milk. And it will allow me to get more sleep, instead of going through all the motions we are currently going through. That takes a lot of time, and it's not a lot of fun at 3:30 am, lemme tell ya.

Unfortunately, however, should we choose to put her on formula entirely (she already gets a little bit with her breastmilk for increased caloric value) we have to give her a special hypoallergenic formula that is not milk-based, called Nutramigen. This stuff smells HORRENDOUS, and I'd imagine it probably doesn't taste much better. When our first can of formula ran out, we tried to switch it up and give her some Alimentum, which is the competitors' version of the same thing. And she made it clear that wasn't gonna fly. She took a few sips of it, and scrunched her little face into this twisted frown and let out a shriek that I don't ever want to hear again. So, back to the Nutramigen we went. And OF COURSE these hypoallergenic formulas are a lot more expensive than your garden variety milk-based infant formula. I am hoping to talk to our pediatrician and the GI doc about getting some samples from their formula reps... but otherwise, it's going to become a huge financial burden. Which is part of the reason I'm still trying so hard to give her breastmilk - that's free! But obviously it's coming with a price if it's going to require me constantly adjusting my diet and stressing over her gastric health... so... who knows what'll end up happening.

So, it's a lot to think about, for sure. And for now, I'm going to continue business as usual (still nursing her, but keeping gluten in my diet for the moment) until we have our appointments with the gastroenterologist to see if they can shed any further light on the situation. Til then, eat some cheese for me.