Everything but the kitchen sink... (but even that would be useful!)

Last night I began the daunting task of packing a 7 month old for the shore.

Holy hell. I need a bigger car.

Friends with kids have always said how it's challenging to travel with children, because of the sheer volume of equipment you need. But I never knew just how crazy it is. My entire guest room bed is covered in Natalie's gear, from her multitude of clothes, to a pack of diapers, to cans of formula, to her baby food, to burp cloths and bibs, to towels and blankets, to bumbo chairs and boppy pillows... oy. And this is only for a week. Luckily, the house we rent has a very efficient washer and dryer so I can certainly do a load or two if necessary. But still... it's a lot of stuff. And this is not even including the pack 'n' play in which she will sleep, and the stroller, the travel swing, and anything else I decide at the last minute that she will need for our week-long adventure. I haven't even started packing myself, I've been so consumed with making sure I have everything for her. But let's face it, we're going to New Jersey, not the Republic of the Sudan. Rite Aid and ACME are only a ten minute drive away, should I leave anything behind.

I am very very very very excited to take Natalie on her first vacation. And it will also be my first and only vacation in the last 12 months, and quite possibly for the next 6-12 months too. I cannot wait to sit in the surf with her and let the tide wash over us. I can already hear her squeals of delight (or terror)! And I think it will definitely help me decompress and relax a little bit. It'll be fun to spend the week with my parents, and I know they're going to LOVE having that precious time with Natalie. I'm kinda bummed because Dave can only stay until early Tuesday morning, but I am happy that he can at least join us for a few days.

In other news, Natalie has a new game she likes to play. It's called, "let's-freak-mommy-out-by-flipping-onto-our-belly-in-our-crib." This is a relatively new activity but it's giving me agita. Everything you hear is back back back. Back to sleep, say no to the tummy... and all along I thought it was because of a risk of suffocation. But, thanks to a good friend, I've been enlightened as to why it's not recommended... and some of my fears have been put to rest. Some. Thank you, N, for having done your research!
In any case, I experience this overwhelming desire to go into Natalie's nursery and flip her back onto her back. Which she doesn't like, I can tell you that much. She screams, and almost immediately rolls back onto her stomach. And then this brings me back to 6 weeks ago when we first introduced her to her crib, and I obsessively stared at the video monitor screen, unable to take my eyes off it, making sure she's ok. It was ridiculous, but it was the first time I'd experienced this kind of anxiety since she'd been home. And now I feel like I'm having this problem all over again. And I have to think to myself, what did people do when video monitors weren't available to consumers? Chill the eff out, Lindy. Seriously, get a grip.

Which brings me to my next point - I have been suffering from insomnia. I cannot sleep. I try, I WANT to sleep, but I cannot put my mind to rest.  I want to go up to bed when Dave goes up, shortly after we put Natalie in her crib... but I'm nowhere near tired at that point. And then I get sucked into watching shitty TV or surfing the web for hours on end... and suddenly it's stupid o'clock in the morning and I'm still awake. I feel LUCKY if I get myself to sleep by 1 or 1:30. And that's on a good night.

I'm convinced this insomnia is stress-related, not even entirely Natalie related. I am stressed because my part-time job is not bringing in enough money. I am stressed because I've been applying to more part-time jobs and haven't been hearing anything back. I am stressed because I may have to return to work full time sooner than planned which means finding full time childcare, which is $$$$$. I am stressed that Dave and I hardly ever get to spend any quality time together anymore because we're either working, taking care of Natalie, or sleeping. I am stressed that Natalie isn't eating enough, because now that she sleeps longer, she doesn't get as many bottles. I am stressed because being a parent of a preemie is stressful, and it's stressful because I want Natalie to be meeting milestones for her actual age, not her adjusted age. I am stressed because, in several instances, I've been feeling underappreciated and frustrated with that. I am stressed because, well... I guess I did such a good job of not being stressed a few months ago during the REALLY truly stressful time in my life, that it's all coming back to bite me in the ass now.
But, as stated earlier in this post, hopefully our upcoming Ocean City, New Jersey getaway will help to diminish some of the stress. I could do with a few rounds of mini golf, some heated Yahtzee challenges, a few (hundred!!!) slices of Mack and Manco's pizza, and some good old fashioned vitamin D. And at least I know that listening to the peaceful sound of the rolling waves may help me sleep a little better at night, even if only for the week.

Rollin', Rollin', Rollin'!

Natalie can roll over now.

It started a few weeks ago, she would tentatively flip to her side from either her back or her stomach, but she wouldn't quite make it all the way over.
But things have changed. Now, pretty much anytime we put her on her stomach for tummy time, she flips over. And she's just now mastering the ability to roll over from her back onto her tummy.

Life as we know it is not far from changing entirely.

At Natalie's 6 month appointment last week, her pediatrician mentioned yet another daunting "b" word to me... baby-proofing. And I am finding it hard to believe we're even close to having that conversation! My little person is growing up so fast, and in another couple of months she may very likely be on the move.  I watched my friend Kate babyproof her house for her daughter Juliette and then watched how quickly anything in Jules' path becomes an obstacle when she brings her over here. I am definitely not ready to think about how we're going to prevent Natalie from getting knee deep in electronics, DVDs, magazines, and everything else that is superfluously hanging around in our living room. Never mind the rest of the house...

But it's amazing to watch... how babies change literally on a day to day basis and are constantly learning and absorbing new things. And often you can blink your eye and miss one of them. A bunch of my friends whose daughters are all somewhat close in age to Natalie have been experiencing similar phenomena; some further along than others. Natalie's friend Noel is all but running marathons now, her friend Kaity sits up and plays like a big girl, and her friend Ryleigh has discovered how convenient it is to use rolling as a method of transportation (and how equally frustrating it is to not be able to do much more than that...)
I have to keep reminding myself that, though Natalie is close in physical age to these lovely ladies, she's still behind developmentally. And that's totally ok. But it's hard sometimes, wondering why your 6 1/2 month old isn't keeping up with the Jones', literally. But, she's met and exceeded most of the milestones for her adjusted age, and rolling is one of them. And, while I don't want to seem to eager to have my little girl grow up, it is exciting to know that she's making progress and improving each and every day. It's so funny - when they're this little, you just want them to learn and grow and reach milestones. And then, from what I hear, their childhood flies by and they start to transform from babies into kids and then so on and so forth, and you can't believe you wished away the infant days. So... I guess I'll just sit back and enjoy the little things now, and keep on laughing my head off when I watch Natalie toss her little torso back and forth with such determination!

But OMG... poor Sammy, once Natalie IS mobile. God help him.

Half a year

Twelve months ago, your Daddy and I had only just learned of your presence inside my tummy.

Twelve months ago, I didn't know if you were going to be a Natalie or a Tyler.

Twelve months ago, I didn't know if I was going to be a good mother to you.

Twelve months ago, we began our journey together.

The first part of that journey ended on December 29th, 2009.

I cannot believe that tomorrow you will be half a year old.

I cannot believe how much I am truly enjoying being your Mommy.

I always liked kids, and knew I'd like motherhood, but had no idea what joy and fulfillment you'd bring to my life.

Your little smile brightens up the room regardless of how dark it is outside. You fill my heart with such happiness. I live my days with you at the forefront of my mind, and every decision I make ultimately comes back to you. I cherish every second we spend together and am having so much fun watching you learn, discover, and delight in the world around you. I am so looking forward to watching you grow up. I want to teach you things, and have you teach me. I want to sing to you, and make you laugh. I want you to look at me with that look that I know only a child can give it's mother. I want to kiss you goodnight every single night that you'll let me.

I cannot believe that tomorrow you will be six months old already.

A little over six months ago, I had no idea how my life was about to change so suddenly.

A little over six months ago, I was wrapping gifts, listening to Christmas music, and getting ready to indulge in many a holiday feast, dreaming of what it would be like to share it with you the following year.

Six months ago, we were both fighting for our lives, and nobody could say for sure what was going to happen to either of us.

Six months ago, I felt such terror and anxiety every day visiting you in your little box, longing to snuggle you and cuddle you, but knowing how fragile and helpless you really were. 

Six months ago, I cried myself to sleep many nights because you weren't there with me.

Five months ago, I experienced overwhelming joy and elation the day we were told you could finally come home with us. All 4 lbs, 6 oz of you.

 

In only six months, we've already been through a lot together. But really, our journey has only just begun. And now  I'm watching you peacefully sleep in your crib, loving you more and more every second of every day. I am so lucky to have you, and I am so grateful that you are a happy and healthy little girl. I am so proud of you for fighting so hard and for being so strong. I love you so very much, Natalie Noodle. 

Happy 6 months to you, my beautiful daughter.

All My Love, 

Mommy

Isn't it ironic (doncha think?)

I was just sitting here, blog-jumping, and came back to my own, and read back to the beginning of my pregnancy journey. And I found this entry, in which I was questioning my ability to be a Mommy. Which is not the ironic part, as I like to think I'm shaping up to be a lovely little Momma to my Noodle. But, what is ironic is the fact that just before I wrote that blog entry, I was watching "18 Kids and Counting" and marveling at Michelle Duggar's feat of bringing 18 children into this world. I never really watched that show regularly back then, in fact, I found the whole situation to be rather odd and really only watched it for curiosity's sake, not to be entertained. Little did I know, I would end up finding a kindred spirit in her, as we both were plagued with the same life-threatening condition that ultimately led to her show's title changing to "18 19 Kids and Counting" right around the same time Miss Natalie was born. Michelle announced her pregnancy in September, which they claim was unexpected so soon (please, your show was called "18 Kids AND COUNTING," there's no such thing as an unexpected pregnancy in your world) and ended up delivering baby Josie Brooklyn on December 10th or thereabouts, via an emergency c-section, at only 25 weeks gestation. I've been watching their show ever since I got home from the hospital and realized we'd been through the same thing, and when they show the NICU and tiny little Josie hooked up to all of those monitors and machines and the beeping etc etc etc, it's been hauntingly familiar and my heart completely goes out to Michelle Duggar. I know exactly what was feeling and how terrifying those first few days/weeks are. Only NICU Moms can really understand what other NICU Moms truly go through. Everyone else can try, but until you've been there, and it's been your tiny precious little one in that isolette that you can't hold close to you without medical supervision, you can't really begin to conceptualize what it's like. Though we appreciate everyone's effort :)
Unfortunately, Josie had a much much rougher NICU journey than Natalie. She was a full pound and a half smaller than Nat at birth, and suffered a perforated bowel within the first two weeks of her life, which set her recovery back tenfold. It's incredible just how important that extra 6 weeks in utero really is. In our case, the extra 5 days that they were able to keep Natalie inside me apparently were essential for lung development (in addition to the steroid shots I was given to help her along) and really gave her a better prognosis, being delivered at 31 weeks instead of 30. Amazing.
Anyway, the good news is, baby Josie Duggar is finally home with her family. She was initially released in April, but after less than 48 hours at home, she had to go back because she was having some issues and her vitals were not good. But now, at 5 1/2 months, she's once again home with her loving family, and it sounds as though she's there to say, God willing. Another part of the irony of all this is that the reason Josie had to go back into the hospital was she had some undiagnosed digestive issues. Turns out, the kid's allergic to dairy. Just like Natalie. It's so weird how similar our situations are. Though, mine was my first pregnancy and Michelle's was her 17th... but still, we have a bond even though we will likely never know one another.
Now, I don't want this blog post to turn into an ethical debate, because I have very strong feelings about the Duggars and the Quiverfull movement in which they are strong believers and active participants, however... I am so happy for them that their scary NICU nightmare is over, and they can begin to spend quality time, as a family, with their new beautiful baby girl. I know how precious and special that moment was to Dave and myself when we finally got to walk out the door of the Maternity ward at P-ville Hospital for the last time with our daughter in hand.

But I'm sure Michelle Duggar would whole-heartedly agree with me on one thing: Pre-eclampsia sucks.


(And the last thing I have to say is, hopefully the Duggars will think about what they've just been through, and use some sound judgement and wait awhile, to give Josie the extra care and TLC that she needs to catch up to her brothers and sisters, before they change the title of their show again.)  I digress...

A better blogger

Thinking about blogging has stressed me out lately.

I don't know why I can't seem to keep up with this. I really wanted to. Or at least I thought I did. I envy those who are able to check into their blogs regularly and update the world on their life and the exciting things happening in it. I had big plans to keep up with this blog, if not for myself, then for Natalie's sake - so when she gets older, she can read about my journey to get her here, and our adventures once she arrived. But I'm just not good at it. And I can't blame time - I have plenty of that. I just don't choose to write like I want to. I've come to the conclusion that I think I like reading other people's blogs more than writing my own. I don't feel like I am anywhere near as clever or verbally expressive as most of my blog-writing compadres and I sometimes feel like what I write comes out forced or put-on, if that makes sense. And I know it's not a competition, but I feel like there are so many more interesting blogs out there and that my ridiculous rambling drivel is probably just as uninteresting to others as it is to me.

That said, I sat down today to try to write. But, being the ever so slightly OCD person than I am, especially when it comes to doing things chronologically, I sat here trying to go back and figure out all of the things that were mentionable in the order that I felt it necessary to mention them. And I just got annoyed. That I can't just sit and write freely - that this has to feel like a process. I guess maybe this was more fun when I was still pregnant and there were all of those milestones and moments that were unique and fun and exciting.

But hang on.

Having a baby is unique and fun and exciting. And every baby is different. And everyone's journey into parenthood is different. And there are a lot of funny stories and moments that I could potentially share in this blog. And then I came to the grand realization; I'm just spending too much time enjoying Natalie and her progress in real life, and not worried about writing it down, because no matter what, I'll remember the parts that count and be able to share them with her when she needs or wants to know. 

So, all of that said, I'm going to attempt to be a "better blogger." But I won't sweat it, if, say, two months goes by without a word recorded. I don't need to jump online and document every time Natalie eats a different solid food, or bats an eyelash. Kudos to those of you out there reading this who may be able to keep up with detail like that. But this Mommy's got better things to do than stress over an outdated blog. ;-)

Guilt

I'm told that from the minute your child arrives, motherly guilt sets in. And it doesn't ever stop. This is proving to be very true for me, and I'm having a really hard time with it. First, I was feeling guilty because I wasn't necessarily eating as well as I could have been, and had the fear of GD looming over me. But, we got past that with no problems, and no diagnosis, and I spent the last 6 weeks that I was pregnant trying harder to be healthier for her. Then (and this was a major one) I was feeling  terribly guilty that my body failed Natalie when she was born so early, and that she was forced to struggle for the first few weeks of her life because I didn't do for her what I should have. That took awhile to get past... and even now, when I look at other people's kids who are "term" babies, I sometimes still feel sad and think, what if things had been different and I'd carried her longer. And now it's the guilt of not being able to nurse her the way I'd wanted/hoped to. Granted, it's not really my "fault," but I still feel bad about it. And we've finally gotten to a point where my breastmilk is just no longer going to work for her. I've eliminated everything imaginable from my diet, as discussed in a previous post, and poor Natalie is still having trouble. So within the next two weeks or so, my daughter will be solely formula-fed. And unfortuntaely, the formula that we have to put her on is $40 a can... this is even more expensive than the Nutramigen we thought we'd have her on previously (turns out, there's still hydrolized cow's milk in it, so that's out) so it's going to put us in the poorhouse. Never mind the fact that I've just this week resigned from my job, but that's a topic for another post entirely - coming soon! Luckily I was able to buy a few cases through eBay auctions for half the price, but they won't last us long once she's fully formula fed and taking more at each feeding.
But it's something I'm really struggling with and I'm not sure how to get past! What doesn't help my case is that whenever I do internet research on her allergy or the formula we have to put her on, I find a bunch of responses from people who chastize formula-feeders and stress the importance of breastmilk and ONLY breastmilk. Well, those mofos need to walk a minute in my shoes and see how they feel. It's hard. Really freaking hard. Especially when your supply is good and you are PHYSICALLY able to do something that just doesn't work for your child. It's not fair for them to make you feel even worse than you already do about something that is beyond your control, especially when it's medically necessary. And my friends and family are trying to be supportive - telling me I've done an awesome job, to cut myself a break... but I really don't think they understand how hard this is on me... and if they were in my situation, they'd get why it's such a difficult thing to deal with. But I appreciate their support nonetheless.
I've also been attending monthly meetings at a preemie parent support group, and it has been VERY beneficial. The other Moms there are really nice and are a huge wealth of knowledge and information. And it did help surpress my guilt a little bit - since they all knew exactly what I was feeling. But, at the end of the day, I still feel that guilt. I want to do what's best for my little girl, no matter what. And sometimes what I'm doing just doesn't feel like enough.

Spring Hath Sprung

Normally, I'm a cold weather girl. I love snow. I love the cool crisp air and seeing your breath for the first time. I love snuggling under blankets and drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows. I love putting on layers to cover up parts of me I don't want the world to see. When the weather starts to improve, I dread the day that I have to expose my pasty white skin to the population, and I shudder at the thought of my cottage cheese thighs being visible to anyone else. I start to get envious of the smaller, skinner, more toned people around me who can de-layer themselves and be near perfect without effort.

But not this year.

This year, I am very excited. I cannot WAIT for the days to consistently be warmer. As soon as the morning chill has burned off, I throw open the windows and dust the sills to let sunshine flood my living room. I bundle Natalie up and walk her down to the mailbox, carefully shielding her sensitive little eyes from the glaring sun, but still getting her a little dose of that wonderful vitamin D.

She is the reason I am excited. I am thinking about all of the wonderful walks we'll have around the neighborhood this spring and summer. I'm thinking Dave and I about taking her and Sammy to Valley Forge Park for picnics. And I'm thinking about finally being able to take my daughter out and show her off to the world. Sure, Facebook and other online sharing sites are great and have given her an instant celebrity status, but I want people to actually SEE her. I want to put her in her really stinkin' cute spring and summer outfits and parade her around, watching her eyes fill with wonder as she takes it all in. I know there is a lot to see in our little house here at 22 Queen, but there is so much more out there for her, and now that she's finally getting a little bigger and developing, she's going to start discovering it all. I want to take her to the shore this summer and dip her little feet in the ocean, and let her squish her toes in the sand. I want to take her to the zoo and tell her about all of the animals. I want to watch her get bigger and become best friends with her big fluffy brother.

There is so much I want to do with this little girl, and I'm so excited that she's here and we can start doing it now that it's getting nicer.

Don't get me wrong, I'll always be a cold weather gal... but I think the abundance of snow this winter really burned me out, and I'm ready for that sun.