Everything but the kitchen sink... (but even that would be useful!)

Last night I began the daunting task of packing a 7 month old for the shore.

Holy hell. I need a bigger car.

Friends with kids have always said how it's challenging to travel with children, because of the sheer volume of equipment you need. But I never knew just how crazy it is. My entire guest room bed is covered in Natalie's gear, from her multitude of clothes, to a pack of diapers, to cans of formula, to her baby food, to burp cloths and bibs, to towels and blankets, to bumbo chairs and boppy pillows... oy. And this is only for a week. Luckily, the house we rent has a very efficient washer and dryer so I can certainly do a load or two if necessary. But still... it's a lot of stuff. And this is not even including the pack 'n' play in which she will sleep, and the stroller, the travel swing, and anything else I decide at the last minute that she will need for our week-long adventure. I haven't even started packing myself, I've been so consumed with making sure I have everything for her. But let's face it, we're going to New Jersey, not the Republic of the Sudan. Rite Aid and ACME are only a ten minute drive away, should I leave anything behind.

I am very very very very excited to take Natalie on her first vacation. And it will also be my first and only vacation in the last 12 months, and quite possibly for the next 6-12 months too. I cannot wait to sit in the surf with her and let the tide wash over us. I can already hear her squeals of delight (or terror)! And I think it will definitely help me decompress and relax a little bit. It'll be fun to spend the week with my parents, and I know they're going to LOVE having that precious time with Natalie. I'm kinda bummed because Dave can only stay until early Tuesday morning, but I am happy that he can at least join us for a few days.

In other news, Natalie has a new game she likes to play. It's called, "let's-freak-mommy-out-by-flipping-onto-our-belly-in-our-crib." This is a relatively new activity but it's giving me agita. Everything you hear is back back back. Back to sleep, say no to the tummy... and all along I thought it was because of a risk of suffocation. But, thanks to a good friend, I've been enlightened as to why it's not recommended... and some of my fears have been put to rest. Some. Thank you, N, for having done your research!
In any case, I experience this overwhelming desire to go into Natalie's nursery and flip her back onto her back. Which she doesn't like, I can tell you that much. She screams, and almost immediately rolls back onto her stomach. And then this brings me back to 6 weeks ago when we first introduced her to her crib, and I obsessively stared at the video monitor screen, unable to take my eyes off it, making sure she's ok. It was ridiculous, but it was the first time I'd experienced this kind of anxiety since she'd been home. And now I feel like I'm having this problem all over again. And I have to think to myself, what did people do when video monitors weren't available to consumers? Chill the eff out, Lindy. Seriously, get a grip.

Which brings me to my next point - I have been suffering from insomnia. I cannot sleep. I try, I WANT to sleep, but I cannot put my mind to rest.  I want to go up to bed when Dave goes up, shortly after we put Natalie in her crib... but I'm nowhere near tired at that point. And then I get sucked into watching shitty TV or surfing the web for hours on end... and suddenly it's stupid o'clock in the morning and I'm still awake. I feel LUCKY if I get myself to sleep by 1 or 1:30. And that's on a good night.

I'm convinced this insomnia is stress-related, not even entirely Natalie related. I am stressed because my part-time job is not bringing in enough money. I am stressed because I've been applying to more part-time jobs and haven't been hearing anything back. I am stressed because I may have to return to work full time sooner than planned which means finding full time childcare, which is $$$$$. I am stressed that Dave and I hardly ever get to spend any quality time together anymore because we're either working, taking care of Natalie, or sleeping. I am stressed that Natalie isn't eating enough, because now that she sleeps longer, she doesn't get as many bottles. I am stressed because being a parent of a preemie is stressful, and it's stressful because I want Natalie to be meeting milestones for her actual age, not her adjusted age. I am stressed because, in several instances, I've been feeling underappreciated and frustrated with that. I am stressed because, well... I guess I did such a good job of not being stressed a few months ago during the REALLY truly stressful time in my life, that it's all coming back to bite me in the ass now.
But, as stated earlier in this post, hopefully our upcoming Ocean City, New Jersey getaway will help to diminish some of the stress. I could do with a few rounds of mini golf, some heated Yahtzee challenges, a few (hundred!!!) slices of Mack and Manco's pizza, and some good old fashioned vitamin D. And at least I know that listening to the peaceful sound of the rolling waves may help me sleep a little better at night, even if only for the week.

9 weeks, 1 day

Hi. Here I am again. I lapsed because I took a break from blogging whilst at the shore with the fam. I got some MUCH needed R & R, got to spend some quality time with the folks, and got a little bit of a suntan, which was nice. I also managed to tear my way through Eclipse (the third installment of the Twilight series) which ended up being a pleasant experience. As I've discussed with a few friends... it's a series that I love to hate to love. It's really not that good... I mean hell... the series was designed for teenage girls... but I'm still enjoying them. I just bought the fourth book, Breaking Dawn, today at Target. So hopefully I can make a dent in that this weekend. And Dave once again gets to take advantage of his built-in DD for wedding #3 of the summer, which is tomorrow evening. Lucky him!

So, as for Baby McRolston (as a few have started calling him/her) is concerned, here is the update:

Baby's now the size of a green olive! Your little embryo has now officially graduated to fetus-hood. Adding to the excitement, a Doppler ultrasound device might be able to pick up the beating heart. With basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features, baby is kind of starting to look like...well...a baby!

Last Friday, we had our fourth ultrasound with Dr. Glassner @ Main Line Fertility. Baby was growing right on schedule, and my levels were apparently just where he wanted them to be. So, he gave us his blessing and sent us on our way! HOORAY! This was extremely exciting news. Though, I have to say, I was being pampered... having ultrasounds on a weekly basis and getting that constant reassurance that everything was moving along as it should have been. But alas, I will have to join the ranks of thousands and thousands of other pregnant women worldwide who have to just hurry up and wait several weeks for each appointment. So now, my journey begins with my regular OB/GYN. I actually had an appointment there on Monday the 20th, and I have to say, I did NOT care for the Doc with whom I had the appointment. The person I'd been seeing for the past several years at that practice is actually a Physician's Assistant, and I guess though she's been qualified to treat me before, she can't see me through the pregnancy all the way. Which is a total bummer... seeing as I've developed a relationship with her and like her a lot. And it never occured to me in years past to even ask if she would see me through any future pregnancies... I just assumed yes. But, I'm hoping that, over the next several visits I can see a few different docs and find one I like. It's recommended that you see several in your practice anyway because you never know who is going to be around/on call/available when you actually deliver. My next appointment is on Monday the 17th, and I see yet a different doc then, so hopefully I'll have better luck.

But the good news is, Baby Rolston is still in there cooking away, growing fast, and giving me several bouts of on-again-off-again nausea, but otherwise... all is well!!!