My how far we've come...

My darling lovey-bear,

Oh.My.God. You are one. ONE. You are a full year old. You have been on this earth with me and Daddy and everyone that loves you for an entire year. Twelve full months. And it seems like just yesterday I was reaching into that isolette and touching your tiny hand for the very first time.

This exact time, one year ago, I hadn't even met you yet. I was lying helpless in a hospital bed, hating every second of it, trying to recover from a very serious illness and rather major surgery. Everyone kept bringing me pictures of you and telling me how beautiful you were, but I wanted to see you. With my own eyes. And touch you with my own hands. Everything hurt. It hurt to laugh, it hurt to cry, and my heart hurt. I just wanted to be a Mommy to you, to hold you and tell you that everything would be ok, and kiss your itty bitty forehead and sing you a lullaby. You and I were both having a rough time, but we are also both very strong and knew that we had to fight, so we could have a shot at being Mommy and Daughter. And we succeeded! Here we are today, to tell our tale.

Stevie Wonder said it best: you truly are the sunshine of my life. You make every day brighter. You are so chock full of personality - every day shapes you a little more into this incredible mini person. You are so smart - though you haven't yet learned how to verbalize what you want to say, you don't hesitate to try! You understand so much more than we even realize, and your never cease to amaze me with the things you know. You are so determined - you will pull yourself up on just about any surface and grab anything that is within reach. It's only a matter of time before you're walking, then running... poor Sammy has no idea what he's in for in a few months! You are curious and nosy and even the tiniest sound will pique your interest and your head whips around to see what's going on. I love that when you get sleepy, you take a soft toy and rub your nose with it, and then snuggle your head down onto my shoulder and softly babble in my ear. I love how excited you get when your Daddy comes in the door - you practically vibrate! I love that you reach out to me now when you want me to hold you - there is nothing quite like that feeling! I love how much you love your Nanas and Grandpas... it's so important to us that you have a good relationship with them and I'm so glad that you are able. It's one thing I wish I'd had more of in my youth. And I love, LOVE, LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE your laugh. It is the most magical, beautiful sound I could ever ask to hear. I wish I could bottle it up and keep it forever... it is the remedy for even the most awful of moods or saddest of days. You have the ability to bring a smile to anyone's face with that little giggle. I could go on and on about all the things I love about you... they truly are endless.
I think about the teeny tiny baby that you were, and the big girl you're turning out to be now... it brings tears of joy to my eyes to know how far you have come. Since day one, you have been strong and brave, and just simply amazing, and I cannot rightfully put into words how proud I am to be your mama. We have our great days, and our not so great days... but ultimately, every day with you in it is a good one. You are SO loved by SO many people, many of whom have been following your story since before you were even here. You are my best friend in the whole world and I hope we can stay that way for a long, long time. I will accept the grim reality that the day may come where you can't stand me, but I also know that there is a light at the end of that tunnel and you'll come back to me one day. But, no sense in rushing things. Right now, I'll soak up all of the mini Natalie goodness I can, and enjoy every moment of your childhood. Your Daddy and I love you with all our hearts and have had so much fun with you in this past year - we can only imagine what the rest of them will have in store! Even your big brother Sammy is coming around - you two seem to really enjoy eachother more and more each day!
Thank you for being you, Natalie. Happy first birthday, and here's to many happy and healthy more.
I love you so very much, little girl.
with all my love,
Mommy xoxo

Retrospect...

Last year, at this exact time, I was hooked up to a fetal non-stress monitor, confused as hell, and scared out of my mind. My OB was moments away from delivering the news that I was a very sick woman and that I would not be leaving the hospital until our baby was ready to enter the world. I had nothing but the clothes on my back with me.
Anyone who knows me should know that while I'm blessed with many wonderful qualities, patience is not one of them. By nature, I am a nurturer and a caregiver, but I am a terrible patient. And here I am being told that my baby's life is in danger, and I have make the hospital my home away from home until the baby was cooked enough. This was to be anywhere from 4 to 8 weeks. FOUR TO EIGHT WEEKS?! IN A HOSPITAL BED? I'm amazed I kept my composure as long as I did. I started getting very very sad... my holiday plans were obviously thwarted. There would be no sweet potato casserole or parsnips for me. There would be no watching Elf and drinking hot cocoa and snuggling on the couch with Sam. SAM!!! I wouldn't see Sam for potentially two months? That piece may have pushed me over the edge.
No, what really pushed me over the edge was when a neonatologist approached us to explain the dangers of an early delivery and the complications and risks we'd potentially be facing. Um, sorry, what?! Last week my 28 week appointment was great! I was fine! Now we're talking about the baby coming early and lung development and... WTF?!?!?!? I began to be flooded with selfish thoughts... this kid had better get here soon! I can't stay here for the long haul! But, I knew that it was best for her to stay in there as long as possible. So, I was mentally preparing myself for the worst.
When it was official that I was being admitted, I was moved to the first room by the entrance to the maternity floor. I had my choice of rooms because the floor was virtually empty. No one else wanted to check in on Christmas Eve, apparently. I begged my OB to let me go home and pack a bag, but she was adamant that I get horizontal ASAP. As soon as I was in my bed, I was stuck with a ridiculously large needle in my ass to administer my first dose of steroids to help the baby's lungs develop. Apparently they only do this when they anticipate the worst, and early delivery is inevitable. My BFFs came running as soon as they heard the news, and once they arrived, that's when I finally lost it. Between a really nasty admitting nurse who was barking orders at me and scolding me (despite my obvious confusion and anxiety), to being handed a tri-fold hospital menu and told to select my Christmas dinner, to the terrible fear that was growing inside me that my baby really was in grave danger... it truly was one of the worst days I've ever experienced.


The next five days would be the most trying time of my life. Needless to say, Christmas last year SUCKED.


BUT


It is now a year later. We are all happy and healthy. We are all warm and have full bellies and snuggled up in our house, with fragrant candles burning and wrapping paper scattered everywhere. We haven't changed out of our PJs. Dave made us all a big breakfast (Nat enjoyed pancakes for the first time, and shared several bites with her furry brother), and are watching Christmas shows and movies on TV. We are all together, and will be for the duration of the holiday. Natalie will be spoiled rotten with love and gifts from her family and friends, and will have nothing but good memories (at least from the pictures we take!) from this Christmas. I am so grateful and humbled that we are in the position we are today. As my father said to me earlier, it was a significant price to pay last year, but SO worth the outcome. I could have never imagined I'd have such an amazing and beautiful little girl to share this Christmas with. I knew she'd be here, but I truly believe our experiences this time last year shaped her into the wonderful little person she is today. My daughter. My best friend. My heart.

Merry Christmas, everybody. Make sure to hug your loved ones a little tighter this year.

Peach McGee, Miss Kiss, Mini-bear, or sometimes Natalie...

Natalie is turning into a little girl, and she's not as much of a baby anymore.  Her personality is shining through, and every day she changes and grows, and it's just amazing to watch. She is feisty and stubborn, but sweet as sugar. She is now mobile, and though she doesn't always use the conventional method of crawling everywhere, she certainly gets herself where she wants to go. She is always smiling. She wakes up smiling, goes to bed smiling... just such a happy little person!!! She LOVES playing with toys now, and it's fun to watch her discover new ones and the secrets they may hold. If it plays music, Natalie is a fan. If it opens and something can go in it, she's digging it. I even caught her trying to put some blocks into a shape sorter. She had little success, but at least her little brain is working and she's trying. She makes very expressive faces now, which are hysterical. When she is upset about something or mad, she furrows her little brow and sorta looks at you from the side of her head, and you have to conceal laughter... it's so funny.
It's so unreal to watch her enjoy life. She loves Sesame Street, and starts kicking her little legs and squealing when Abby's Flying Fairy School or Elmo's World comes on. She bops to the music, which is indescribably adorable. She still likes the Wonder Pets, and will sit through an entire 12 minute episode on my lap, watching intently. She speaks incessantly, though 99.9% of the time her dialect is completely uninterpretable. She does say "dada" and occasionally "mama," but she hasn't actually addressed either of us yet. Though we know she's using the words correctly. My favorite development is that when I go to pick her up, she reaches out for me now. Which is just such an awesome feeling, knowing that my little girl actually wants me, and can show it.
She is extremely good at self-entertaining; we can put her on her play mat surrounded by toys and she'll keep herself occupied for 30 minutes. It's great to see her so independent. She's good about going to just about anyone, and has rarely if ever shown any signs of separation anxiety. I know that often comes later in their development, but at 11 months, I'm happy to say that my child is well-adjusted and willing to go to almost anyone. Occasionally she will frown or turn her little lip out if she's unsure, but it's usually because she's tired or just woke up, not because she's really that uncertain.
Anyway, I just had to write about her today because I am sitting here on the couch marveling at my little lady squirming around on the floor, foraging in her little purple toy box for toys, and loving how incredible she truly is. I can't believe in less than 5 weeks my little girl will be one. OMG.

better late than never

Natalie had her 9 month appointment this past week. And she is making amazing strides. Dr. Jen is thrilled with her progress, and since last Wednesday we've even added some dairy back into Nat's diet. Our hope is that she has outgrown her awful cow's milk protein allergy and we can stop feeding her the liquid gold (Nutramigen AA) and get her onto a more affordable formula that her little belly can tolerate. And then, hopefully, even whole milk when she's past 1 year!!!

Anyway, that said, I have been reflecting a lot these past few days as to just how lucky we are that Natalie is here with us to help me tell her tale. We were so lucky... given how early she came, her low birth weight, her first few days in the NICU struggling to gain some solid ground. Someone was looking down on us during that frosty January as she fought to survive...  Natalie managed to avoid so many of the complications she could have faced... I'll say it again - we are just SO lucky. And I tell her that every single day with abundant hugs, kisses, snuggles, and zerberts.

Again, that said... in my reflection, I have to acknowledge what this past Friday signified. October 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. To so many heartbroken families, this is a day to remember those amazing and beautiful little people who tried so hard to fight and unfortunately lost their battles. I know a few people who have had to deal with such loss, and to them, my heart truly goes out. Even one person is one too many. So, as this post's title states, I felt it was better late than never to acknowledge this day. I sit here a humbled woman - realizing just how fortunate I am that my beautiful daughter sleeps soundly upstairs in her crib and continues to awe and inspire us every day with her strength, tenacity, and spirit.

need.to.slow.down.

Let me begin by saying, I had an awesome day today. I was home from work, the weather was nice, and I got to spend the whole day with my best girlfriend, Natalie Diana Rolston. It's important to point this out, because the rest of this post is one big complaint. You've been warned.

I haven't blogged in like 2 months. And so much has changed in that 2 months. Natalie survived her first vacation to OCNJ. Both my MIL and FIL were hospitalized for a mini-stroke and a minor heart attack, respectively. My Great Uncle Don died. I started working out 3x a week at 5:30 am. I took on a second job (at which I am being fully taken advantage of, and I really can't stand, but that's another blog for another day). I've been doing a lot of volunteer work for Bark For Life. I've been putting in 14-16 hour days a few times a week and have managed to avoid getting sick until now, but for the past few days my throat has been sore and I've been feeling really weary... so I'm really hoping that this isn't the beginning of something awful.

But enough about me. Onto the good stuff. Natalie survived her first vacation to OCNJ. She started taking swim classes at the YMCA. She sleeps through the night like a champ - 10-11 hours on a good night. She loves to play with toys, especially anything that plays music or lights up. She learned how to sit up on her own, and can now feed herself small bits of food with her fingers. Still no teeth, but she loves her some baby food! She can't crawl yet, but when on her belly, she can scooch backwards and get herself from point A to point B. She is incredibly vocal, and is always trying to communicate - sometimes it even sounds like she is singing! I'd imagine that talking may very well be her next milestone. She's not far from saying "Da Da" and meaning it. It wouldn't surprise any of us, since I started talking at 10 months. She sorta knows how to wave bye bye, and with some practice, gets the idea of a high five. She loves music and giggles all the time. She's turning into an amazing, beautiful little girl and moving away from that helpless little baby that she was for so long. She requires a lot more attention now, and while she's a pretty good napper, when she's awake, she typically requires a lot out of  her caregiver. And my most favorite days are when I actually get a day or a half day off and can spend time with her. Of course for the past 2 or 3 weeks, any days I've had off, it's been pouring rain and I haven't been able to enjoy the outdoors with her. But that's neither here nor there. That's just Mother Nature playing games with me.

But this mommy is tired. I am wiped out. Zonked. I am stretching myself way too thin and I don't know how to slow down. I guess it's not in my nature. I am green with envy at all of my SAHM friends who are enjoying this beautiful autumn with their beautiful babies, and I am running myself ragged to bring in a pathetic extra paycheck. I never thought I wanted to stay at home, and in truth I don't want to full time. But now that Natalie is changing and growing and so much fun, it kills me to leave the house at 9:00 am and not get home until 7 or 8 that night. I've missed the entire day with her. Some nights the only time I get with her is that final kiss goodnight as she's already slumbering away in her crib. And it makes me sad. Sometimes I even cry myself to sleep at night once Dave's gone to bed. I just don't understand why it has to be so hard. Now, I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party here. I know we're not the first young family to struggle. I just don't get how other people make it seem so effortless and easy to dedicate their lives to raising their children and not have to worry about where they're gonna get money to pay bills and buy groceries, etc. And then on the days that I am home, I don't want to do ANYTHING productive, so my laundry piles up and the house doesn't get clean. I end up getting sucked into chatting on the computer and then I'm wasting all the free time I actually do have listening to my friends and their drama.

That's another thing wiping me out. I love my friends dearly but holy GOD do I know some doozies! I sometimes just want to hide myself away from all the drama, because I feel like it begins to infiltrate my own mind and I don't have time for that!!! It's mentally exhausting, especially when I feel like I have to be careful to say the right thing because people have a heightened sensitivity factor. But, I know, that's what friends are for, and despite Dave constantly making fun of me (and asking me why I'm not getting paid for the therapy I'm administering), I listen and give support when and where I can. But sometimes I just want to make myself invisible (both online and in real life) to avoid it, for just one night.

But anyway back to the work thing - I guess everyone's situation is different, and how people do what they do ain't none of my business. I just know that in our world, I have to work if we want to maintain the quality of life that we know and love. And even with me working, we've had to cut corners as any new family who's on a limited income does. But when it came down to things like cancelling all the paid cable channels and dropping our iPhone service, and getting rid of the house phone and cancelling the gym membership (among many other things), I realized that I'd rather put in that time at work to be able to enjoy those mini-luxuries. And on the upside (if there is one to be found), at least I'm lucky enough to only have to work 25 hours, and not 40+ like some moms I know. And for the time being we're still managing to save money on daycare by utilizing mine and Dave's moms... and the occasional helpful friend (thank you Jen and Katelyn and Lauren and everyone else who's lent a hand!!!!).

The most depressing thing is the realization that, unless something changes dramatically, there's a good chance that Natalie could be an only child. If we're having this much trouble making ends meet with only one, how the hell would two work?! How do people do it with 3, 4, or more? And the Duggars? Don't even get me started on them. LOL. Good thing we have a few years before we have to make that kind of decision!

I just know that I need to slow down before I burn myself out completely and then I'm useless to my family and myself. That cannot happen.

I just need more days like today. But unfortunately, they only come once a week.

Everything but the kitchen sink... (but even that would be useful!)

Last night I began the daunting task of packing a 7 month old for the shore.

Holy hell. I need a bigger car.

Friends with kids have always said how it's challenging to travel with children, because of the sheer volume of equipment you need. But I never knew just how crazy it is. My entire guest room bed is covered in Natalie's gear, from her multitude of clothes, to a pack of diapers, to cans of formula, to her baby food, to burp cloths and bibs, to towels and blankets, to bumbo chairs and boppy pillows... oy. And this is only for a week. Luckily, the house we rent has a very efficient washer and dryer so I can certainly do a load or two if necessary. But still... it's a lot of stuff. And this is not even including the pack 'n' play in which she will sleep, and the stroller, the travel swing, and anything else I decide at the last minute that she will need for our week-long adventure. I haven't even started packing myself, I've been so consumed with making sure I have everything for her. But let's face it, we're going to New Jersey, not the Republic of the Sudan. Rite Aid and ACME are only a ten minute drive away, should I leave anything behind.

I am very very very very excited to take Natalie on her first vacation. And it will also be my first and only vacation in the last 12 months, and quite possibly for the next 6-12 months too. I cannot wait to sit in the surf with her and let the tide wash over us. I can already hear her squeals of delight (or terror)! And I think it will definitely help me decompress and relax a little bit. It'll be fun to spend the week with my parents, and I know they're going to LOVE having that precious time with Natalie. I'm kinda bummed because Dave can only stay until early Tuesday morning, but I am happy that he can at least join us for a few days.

In other news, Natalie has a new game she likes to play. It's called, "let's-freak-mommy-out-by-flipping-onto-our-belly-in-our-crib." This is a relatively new activity but it's giving me agita. Everything you hear is back back back. Back to sleep, say no to the tummy... and all along I thought it was because of a risk of suffocation. But, thanks to a good friend, I've been enlightened as to why it's not recommended... and some of my fears have been put to rest. Some. Thank you, N, for having done your research!
In any case, I experience this overwhelming desire to go into Natalie's nursery and flip her back onto her back. Which she doesn't like, I can tell you that much. She screams, and almost immediately rolls back onto her stomach. And then this brings me back to 6 weeks ago when we first introduced her to her crib, and I obsessively stared at the video monitor screen, unable to take my eyes off it, making sure she's ok. It was ridiculous, but it was the first time I'd experienced this kind of anxiety since she'd been home. And now I feel like I'm having this problem all over again. And I have to think to myself, what did people do when video monitors weren't available to consumers? Chill the eff out, Lindy. Seriously, get a grip.

Which brings me to my next point - I have been suffering from insomnia. I cannot sleep. I try, I WANT to sleep, but I cannot put my mind to rest.  I want to go up to bed when Dave goes up, shortly after we put Natalie in her crib... but I'm nowhere near tired at that point. And then I get sucked into watching shitty TV or surfing the web for hours on end... and suddenly it's stupid o'clock in the morning and I'm still awake. I feel LUCKY if I get myself to sleep by 1 or 1:30. And that's on a good night.

I'm convinced this insomnia is stress-related, not even entirely Natalie related. I am stressed because my part-time job is not bringing in enough money. I am stressed because I've been applying to more part-time jobs and haven't been hearing anything back. I am stressed because I may have to return to work full time sooner than planned which means finding full time childcare, which is $$$$$. I am stressed that Dave and I hardly ever get to spend any quality time together anymore because we're either working, taking care of Natalie, or sleeping. I am stressed that Natalie isn't eating enough, because now that she sleeps longer, she doesn't get as many bottles. I am stressed because being a parent of a preemie is stressful, and it's stressful because I want Natalie to be meeting milestones for her actual age, not her adjusted age. I am stressed because, in several instances, I've been feeling underappreciated and frustrated with that. I am stressed because, well... I guess I did such a good job of not being stressed a few months ago during the REALLY truly stressful time in my life, that it's all coming back to bite me in the ass now.
But, as stated earlier in this post, hopefully our upcoming Ocean City, New Jersey getaway will help to diminish some of the stress. I could do with a few rounds of mini golf, some heated Yahtzee challenges, a few (hundred!!!) slices of Mack and Manco's pizza, and some good old fashioned vitamin D. And at least I know that listening to the peaceful sound of the rolling waves may help me sleep a little better at night, even if only for the week.

Rollin', Rollin', Rollin'!

Natalie can roll over now.

It started a few weeks ago, she would tentatively flip to her side from either her back or her stomach, but she wouldn't quite make it all the way over.
But things have changed. Now, pretty much anytime we put her on her stomach for tummy time, she flips over. And she's just now mastering the ability to roll over from her back onto her tummy.

Life as we know it is not far from changing entirely.

At Natalie's 6 month appointment last week, her pediatrician mentioned yet another daunting "b" word to me... baby-proofing. And I am finding it hard to believe we're even close to having that conversation! My little person is growing up so fast, and in another couple of months she may very likely be on the move.  I watched my friend Kate babyproof her house for her daughter Juliette and then watched how quickly anything in Jules' path becomes an obstacle when she brings her over here. I am definitely not ready to think about how we're going to prevent Natalie from getting knee deep in electronics, DVDs, magazines, and everything else that is superfluously hanging around in our living room. Never mind the rest of the house...

But it's amazing to watch... how babies change literally on a day to day basis and are constantly learning and absorbing new things. And often you can blink your eye and miss one of them. A bunch of my friends whose daughters are all somewhat close in age to Natalie have been experiencing similar phenomena; some further along than others. Natalie's friend Noel is all but running marathons now, her friend Kaity sits up and plays like a big girl, and her friend Ryleigh has discovered how convenient it is to use rolling as a method of transportation (and how equally frustrating it is to not be able to do much more than that...)
I have to keep reminding myself that, though Natalie is close in physical age to these lovely ladies, she's still behind developmentally. And that's totally ok. But it's hard sometimes, wondering why your 6 1/2 month old isn't keeping up with the Jones', literally. But, she's met and exceeded most of the milestones for her adjusted age, and rolling is one of them. And, while I don't want to seem to eager to have my little girl grow up, it is exciting to know that she's making progress and improving each and every day. It's so funny - when they're this little, you just want them to learn and grow and reach milestones. And then, from what I hear, their childhood flies by and they start to transform from babies into kids and then so on and so forth, and you can't believe you wished away the infant days. So... I guess I'll just sit back and enjoy the little things now, and keep on laughing my head off when I watch Natalie toss her little torso back and forth with such determination!

But OMG... poor Sammy, once Natalie IS mobile. God help him.