Pictures are worth a thousand words...

And she's off...

Always stop to smell the flowers!

such a big girl now!

Transformation

Over the last two weeks, I have watched a truly amazing metamorphosis. I have watched my little baby very quickly transform into a little girl. It is truly remarkable how fast she's suddenly changing...almost as if one morning she woke up and decided it was time to really start growing up. In two weeks time, she has become a (somewhat) good eater, a walker, and her vocabulary has doubled! It's so cool!!!

It started when we went to California. The trip was good (post about that coming soon) but Natalie seemed... different... after we got back. She got sick again; she'd been sick the week leading up to the trip with a nasty cold that refused to go away. But when we got back from Cali, she developed a raging fever and was a miserable, clingy little blob. We determined that she likely had roseola; a childhood disease that is indicated by a very high fever followed by an all-over rash. Luckily, it's not dangerous at all and once the fever is controlled, you just have to sit back and wait for the virus to work it's way out of the baby's system
It was terrifying, to have your child wake up in the middle of the night screaming, her skin on fire... thank GOD for infant ibuprofen. We wouldn't have survived the ordeal without it. Luckily, the whole thing only lasted 3-4 days. But it still sucked, and I hated seeing my little girl suffer.

But when Natalie was finally symptom-free, that is when she really started to transform. It was like someone hit a switch. I was lucky enough to have caught her first official steps on video, which were taken while she was still sick I might add. She didn't even realize she'd done it, but when I tried to encourage her to do it again, she was too weak and miserable to give it another shot. But once she was better, she started walking with confidence and excitement. She can make it clear across the room now without wobbling or toppling over. She hasn't quite mastered it yet, and still drops to her knees when she wants to get somewhere quickly. But, she is getting more and more confident and I'm certain she'll be walking exclusively in no time!

The eating piece is honestly what I am the happiest about. While she was sick, we were lucky if we got her three 8 oz. bottles down... and that was it. She wouldn't eat her beloved yogurt, waffles, or any of our go-to foods. I was slightly worried, but know that illness affects anyone's ability to eat, so why would it be any different for her?
But, once she started feeling better, she started wolfing down everything we put in front of her! She'll still throw the occasional item on the floor, but whereas before she refused to even try something new. Now, as long as I don't make a huge deal about it, she'll pop just about anything in her mouth. Yesterday she ate a quarter cup of green beans! GREEN BEANS! This child doesn't eat veggies!!! The occasional floret of broccoli, yes, but I've had no luck with other veggies, despite MANY repeat attempts. The other day, she ate 2 brussell sprouts (ewwww!!!) and a handful of peas! Who is this hungry child that has replaced my non-eating Natalie? Because I LOVE HER! Haha.

The talking has also changed suddenly. She has become quite a parrot (ok Mommy, note to self - time to start watching what you say around her...) and will repeat just about anything you tell her to. "Natalie, say waffle. Natalie, say book."  I'm beginning to appreciate the parental ability to interpret your child's language... and every day she surprises me with another word that she's picked up. My favorite is clock... Natalie will point to a clock, digital or analog, on the wall or on your wrist, and excitedly proclaim, "CLOCK!" Though, she hasn't quite gotten the "L" sound down, so she actually has another choice word for this item. Daddy is not at all pleased.

Also, her comprehension is out of this world. We can go through a book and I can ask her, "Natalie, where's Elmo? Where's Cookie Monster?" and she will accurately identify her beloved characters page by page. If I say, "Natalie, go give your dolly her milk!" she goes right to the correct toy and knows how to make it work. It's so awesome to watch that little brain at work... we've got a clever little lady on our hands, that's for sure!

But since getting over her illness, she has transformed into this delightful, happy, pleasant little girl, and it's been absolutely wonderful. I know it's only a taste of the amazingness that is to come as she continues to grow and develop. I'm just so happy she's really making strides (literally) and starting to "catch up" in all areas!

Taking Flight

In five days, we are flying to California. With Natalie in tow. Her very first flight. And of course it has to be a trans-continental flight, not a little jaunt to Boston or Chicago or something. I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't been suffering from major anxiety over it. Both the unknown of Natalie's behavior on her first flight, and the I've been constantly reassured by many fellow moms, that everything will be fine and I'm worrying over nothing. But - we've ALL been on a plane when there's been a baby wailing for the ENTIRE flight, and as much as you want to be sympathetic and feel for that child, it's annoying. Perhaps your feelings change once you have children of your own... maybe it does. But I know that the last time I flew a significant distance and a child cried incessantly, it drove me nuts. And I don't want my child to be at fault for irritating a plane full of California-bound passengers for SEVEN HOURS. Sure, I'm exaggerating... I really don't think Natalie will cry the entire time. I'm kind of hoping she won't cry or scream at all. But, I know that I struggled with my ears as a child (and even often as an adult) on takeoff and landing, and that part concerns me. That said, the only thing more annoying than a crying baby on a plane is a kid kicking the back of your seat the entire time. At least I can rest assured we won't have that problem - her little legs aren't long enough for that to even be an issue!

I was also slightly concerned about what I was going to do about feeding her properly while in transit. I am packing a ton of finger foods and snacks to offer her as the flight progresses, but she will likely need a proper meal (or two) while we're in flight, and I have no idea how that will be properly accomplished, especially since they no longer feed you on flights (at least not for free...). I also know the rules for bringing liquids on a plane are ridiculously stringent, and that doesn't help for a child who is reliant on organic whole milk and yogurt for the majority of her nutrition. And I certainly won't have a toaster on board to make her a frozen waffle, or a microwave for oatmeal. It's not as if I can't find milk or yogurt in the airport, but I'd really rather stick to what she's used to if at all possible. I mean, the world won't come to an end if she has to drink regular (GASP!) whole milk instead of organic for a bottle or two, but still... I knew there had to be some way around it. Breastfeeding Moms are allowed to bring pumped breastmilk on a plane, and I can't imagine they limit them to only 3 oz... so why wouldn't the rules apply to us non-breastfeeding parents as well? My Mom did some research, and it turns out, the rules are indeed bendable. So I can bring her some milk and yogurt, as long as we pack it separately and they are able to inspect it closely. At least that's according to the TSA website. I'm bringing the printout from which we obtained that information, just in case we run into any issues. Anyone whose ever traveled out of Philadelphia International Airport knows that you never know WHAT to expect when it comes to security... here's to hoping the lines aren't too crazy at 5:45 am on a Saturday.

The other good news is, there will be four adults that can help distract/entertain her - we are flying with my parents, so that will be a big help. Especially because Natalie is nutso for her Nana and Grandpa. But... I'm still having anxiety. It is a LONG time for a little person to be forced to "sit still." Hopefully we can take turns walking her up and down the aisle (one of her favorite activities is walking while holding someone's hands....) and the variety of parents/grandparents she'll have will keep her occupied. But... I'm still nervous.

I've already packed and re-packed her diaper bag about six times... trying to figure out which toys have the most significance, and which have the most potential to keep her attention the longest. Making sure I have enough finger foods and snacks to keep her full/happy. We were very fortunate to have inherited my Mom's "old" iPad when she invested in a newer model, so I've loaded that up with episodes of Wonder Pets, Sesame Street, Olivia, and plenty of games for Natalie to play with us. I bought some crayons and a blank pad of paper to see if we can get her to do some coloring (per the pediatrician's suggestion, too). I know I am worrying unnecessarily... and I'm sure everyone is right, that things will be fine. I haven't even begun to THINK about how this trip is going to throw off Natalie's schedule and habits - that's a whole other issue I will stress about when the time comes, LOL. But I won't be totally satisfied and de-stressed about the traveling issue until we land in Los Angeles on Saturday and can begin our much needed vacation!

Food Frustration

I am a crappy blogger, and realized that I haven't had anything to say about the star of this blog since her birthday. Bad Mommy.
Anyway - Natalie is 14 1/2 months old now, and turning into an incredible little lady. She is chattering up a storm, with actual words interspersed in her baby babble. Everything is "ELMO!!!" or "woof woof," or "puffs!" She says Mama and Dada also, and a few other things here and there. I know that, any day now, she's going to start talking conversationally! She's also working on walking - she's taken a few steps on her own, though she doesn't quite trust herself to do it consistently. But if we hold her hands, she'll practically run around the house, giggling as she goes! She still only has her two front teeth in the bottom, though when she smiles I can definitely see a few more that are just below the surface, waiting to push through. It's like everything is going to happen at once, and this is all the calm before the storm!
One area in which she is not excelling, unfortunately, is her eating. We began transitioning her from pureed baby food to table food around November - very slowly at first. Giving her a few bites of age appropriate foods before offering her the purees. At first she did OK - seemed to enjoy being able to self-feed and explore new tastes and textures. But as we increased the amount of table food we were giving her, the more she rejected it. Even things that I knew she liked in pureed form, like sweet potatoes, green beans, and bananas, she was rejecting in their solid form. But I wanted to be patient - let her explore the solids at her own pace, and that eventually it would pick up and she'd transition effortlessly. But it didn't happen as quickly as we would have liked.
We had a little bit of a scare back in January... I took her for her 12 month checkup, and she'd barely gained a pound since her last appointment in October. I freaked. The pediatrician told me it was nothing to really worry about - that she had become mobile since October (crawling) and that burned a lot of extra calories. But from everything I'd read, they should be eating enough calories to make up for the calories they are burning. I know that babies gradually slow down from the very rapid weight gain many of them experience in their newborn months, but this seemed overly disconcerting to me, especially since Natalie's weight had been a concern of ours since day one of her tiny little life. I disclosed to the doc that Natalie had not been eating well - in some cases, even rejecting her beloved purees. She was not very open to trying new things, even when I was CERTAIN she would like them. And this is not for lack of trying on our part. Reintroducing things day after day, and still having no luck. And of course it wasn't helping that the Facebook and social peanut gallery was offering me suggestions and asking things like, "have you tried this? have you done that? you really need to do x, y, and z..." - as if I wasn't trying EVERYTHING in the world to try to get this kid to eat. It was painfully reminiscent of our exhausting breastfeeding struggles which ended in an epic fail... but failure wasn't an option here. We had no choice, we had to get Natalie eating properly.
Once again, the doctor said we really shouldn't be concerned... that as long as she wasn't losing weight, everything was OK. But I was not fully convinced.
So, I called in reinforcements... Montgomery County Early Intervention Services.
While Natalie was in the NICU, our case worker had informed us of this program, and how we'd be eligible for services essentially until she was 2, due to her prematurity and low birth weight. And every few months since she was born, I'd been filling out questionnaires to submit to them to help them "track" her progress. If ever anything came up suspicious on the forms, they would contact me for elaboration.
In any case, emailed our case worker and let her know that I had some concerns about Natalie's eating and weight gain. They dispatched their evaluation team, consisting of the case worker herself, an occupational therapist, a speech therapist, and a behavioral therapist. They conducted their eval of Natalie and determined that, though she was measuring ahead of her adjusted age in every other area, that yes, there likely were some issues with her feeding and they were going to refer us to a team of a dietician and an OT to help work on solving the problem.
Upon meeting with the dietician the first time, and explaining to her what Natalie WOULD eat, and the things that I'd tried to offer her that she had rejected, it was decided that yes, we were on the right track, and no, there was nothing major we could be doing differently, save from a few tips and suggestions. The following week, the Occupational Therapist came, and we began exploring the problem. We determined that a lot of Natalie's issues were texture-related, which is not at all uncommon in premature children. And that some of her resistance was simply her learning that she has an opinion and is able to exert her independence by sharing it. And it was a way for her to be able to control part of her life... something she had previously not been able to do.
The truth of the matter is, she wasn't going to starve. Even if one or two meals a day were less than sufficient, she was still getting the nutrition and calories to help sustain her from her 3 times daily bottles of formula or milk (we were in the process of transitioning her at this time, too). But, I feel strongly about successfully weaning her from a bottle before she's 18 months... so I didn't want to rely too heavily on the bottle, when I knew we just had to keep plugging away with the solids. She LOVES her breakfasts... will often times eat two full Eggo waffles, the better part of a banana, sliced strawberries, or a (200 calorie!) bowl of grown-up oatmeal. So, we know she's getting more than enough food at breakfast. It's the subsequent meals that are a struggle. Especially proteins. Yogurt is always a go-to food for us - she will pretty much eat it, in any flavor, at any time. But beyond that... we have trouble. And don't get me wrong - there are a few things that Natalie will eat, and eat a decent quantity of, at that. But I never know what those things are going to be. I really wanted to avoid the much-criticized "American-kid-mac-and-cheese-chicken-nugget" diet, but I completely and totally understand why it's so popular - as these are two foods that kids will actually eat!  And even those things, as delicious as they are, she rejects sometimes. There are days that she blows my mind, and will eat everything I offer her. And other days when she would rather fire her grapes on the floor and make a mess of her tray than put anything in her mouth.
It's terribly exhausting and frustrating... and I wish there was just a magic solution that would fix it. I know it's not uncommon for kids to be picky, but Natalie's issues are beyond those of a picky eater. And I also know eventually she will work it out. But it's just another thing to check off on my list of "term baby envies" that I have running in my mind. I'm so happy for my friends and their children when I hear of the amazing milestones that they achieve and how easy things are for them... but I can't help but get a little down and feel slightly jealous sometimes too!
All of that said, Natalie is happy and healthy, and according to the dietician's scale, she had gained nearly 2 pounds in the 6 weeks since her January pediatrician appointment, so obviously something is working. But, it's still tough and mealtimes, admittedly, are my least favorite times of the day. Here's to hoping things improve soon!

Common Courtesy

This is not a baby related post. This is a "Lindy is pissed off at people" post. So brace yourselves.
.
Let me begin by saying that I am sick and tired of being so damned nice. That said, I will elaborate.

I am a compulsive Outlook/iPhone calendar scheduler. I update my Outlook calendar on my computer almost daily and make sure to sync my iPhone calendar every night, so anything I've added on either end is current. I live my life by that schedule. God help the day that I lose my phone or my computer crashes and my calendar isn't up to date.
But being such an obsessive scheduler, I feel as though it makes me a more effective wife, mom, and friend. I always know where I have to be and can check my availability at a moment's notice.
I also understand that not everyone can be as organized/scheduled as me. However, I believe that I am extending the most common of courtesies to my friends when we try to find a time to get together -  I check my calendar, and offer them multiple dates and times (somewhat far in advance, I might add) that might work for a rendez-vous.
So what truly pisses me off is when I offer these small gestures to help simplify life, and send emails or texts with my availability, and (some) people do not return the courtesy by even acknowledging my offer(s).

DISCLAIMER: I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND that we are a busy society and can't always respond to our friends ASAP. But come on, at least an acknowledgement in a reasonable amount of time would be appreciated. Instead, the day before one of my suggested meeting times, I feel as though I am scrambling to get in touch with the person to see if they are intending to meet up with me. And 9 out of 10 times, I get an excuse.
And here I am, keeping these proposed dates free, waiting for these people to find a time that they can "fit me in." Yet... why should I?
I am a very busy lady too. Between being a wife, a mommy, working two jobs, playing soccer, volunteering for Bark for Life, and going to the gym... I have a lot of shit going on. And I strive to still make time for the people I care about. Hence, the forward scheduling and planning. And it really feels sorta yucky when I get the feeling that people can't find or make time for me, despite my efforts to offer them SEVERAL options.
I always say I am going to just stop doing it. Not chase people down. Let them come to me if they want to see me. But I sort of know in my heart of hearts that they might not. And perhaps I should be recognizing this as a hint? That I am really not on their priority list of people for whom to make time.

Hmmmm.

Don't get me wrong. I don't expect to be everyone's best friend or top priority. But my friends mean a lot to me. And yes, I have an abundance of them. But variety is the spice of life and the people in my life shape me into who I am. Some of these "friends" are merely people I see a few times a year for a quick meal or cup of coffee. But I still like knowing that they are there and a part of my life, and knowing what's going on with them, if they want me to. I feel like Facebook and other social networking outlets have killed that face time for a lot of us; people feel like if they stay in touch electronically, that is sufficient. But it's not for me. I like the one on one time. I like seeing someone's face, talking to them in person, and feeling their physical presence around me. Even if it's only once every couple of weeks/months.

So again, I am too damn nice.

I guess I just don't want to feel that rejection. I've felt it a lot more than I care to admit in my life, and I don't particularly like it. Especially after the amount of effort I've personally made to maintain friendships. But perhaps it is just time for me to accept reality and let people go. I don't have to be on everyone's priority list, but for God's sake people... return my efffing emails or texts. Even if it's just to reject all of my suggestions, or tell me that you're too busy and have too much going on, or can't commit to a time. I can handle that. But don't just ignore me and then think you can pop up the day before (or the day of!) and ask me to hang out, most likely knowing full well that I am not available or have since made other plans. That's sneaky and shitty and I don't appreciate it. If you don't want to hang out, just tell me. But I get that you don't want to hurt my feelings. Well guess what, you are hurting my feelings by ignoring me and conveniently "forgetting" to respond to my inquiries when I've gone to significant lengths to find times I can fit you in. That hurts even more. So fuck you people.
I mean, really, I'm not an idiot. This is the mother-effing electronic age. Most of us check our email or FB or phones multiple times in a day (if not an hour...)

That's all I'm sayin'.
Ok I feel better. :)

**Let me also just add in here, that I am in NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM downplaying those of my friends and acquaintances who ARE good about communication and scheduling! I love you and appreciate you all for that! Let's make plans to get together! I'm free __________, __________, and __________! LOL**

My how far we've come...

My darling lovey-bear,

Oh.My.God. You are one. ONE. You are a full year old. You have been on this earth with me and Daddy and everyone that loves you for an entire year. Twelve full months. And it seems like just yesterday I was reaching into that isolette and touching your tiny hand for the very first time.

This exact time, one year ago, I hadn't even met you yet. I was lying helpless in a hospital bed, hating every second of it, trying to recover from a very serious illness and rather major surgery. Everyone kept bringing me pictures of you and telling me how beautiful you were, but I wanted to see you. With my own eyes. And touch you with my own hands. Everything hurt. It hurt to laugh, it hurt to cry, and my heart hurt. I just wanted to be a Mommy to you, to hold you and tell you that everything would be ok, and kiss your itty bitty forehead and sing you a lullaby. You and I were both having a rough time, but we are also both very strong and knew that we had to fight, so we could have a shot at being Mommy and Daughter. And we succeeded! Here we are today, to tell our tale.

Stevie Wonder said it best: you truly are the sunshine of my life. You make every day brighter. You are so chock full of personality - every day shapes you a little more into this incredible mini person. You are so smart - though you haven't yet learned how to verbalize what you want to say, you don't hesitate to try! You understand so much more than we even realize, and your never cease to amaze me with the things you know. You are so determined - you will pull yourself up on just about any surface and grab anything that is within reach. It's only a matter of time before you're walking, then running... poor Sammy has no idea what he's in for in a few months! You are curious and nosy and even the tiniest sound will pique your interest and your head whips around to see what's going on. I love that when you get sleepy, you take a soft toy and rub your nose with it, and then snuggle your head down onto my shoulder and softly babble in my ear. I love how excited you get when your Daddy comes in the door - you practically vibrate! I love that you reach out to me now when you want me to hold you - there is nothing quite like that feeling! I love how much you love your Nanas and Grandpas... it's so important to us that you have a good relationship with them and I'm so glad that you are able. It's one thing I wish I'd had more of in my youth. And I love, LOVE, LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE your laugh. It is the most magical, beautiful sound I could ever ask to hear. I wish I could bottle it up and keep it forever... it is the remedy for even the most awful of moods or saddest of days. You have the ability to bring a smile to anyone's face with that little giggle. I could go on and on about all the things I love about you... they truly are endless.
I think about the teeny tiny baby that you were, and the big girl you're turning out to be now... it brings tears of joy to my eyes to know how far you have come. Since day one, you have been strong and brave, and just simply amazing, and I cannot rightfully put into words how proud I am to be your mama. We have our great days, and our not so great days... but ultimately, every day with you in it is a good one. You are SO loved by SO many people, many of whom have been following your story since before you were even here. You are my best friend in the whole world and I hope we can stay that way for a long, long time. I will accept the grim reality that the day may come where you can't stand me, but I also know that there is a light at the end of that tunnel and you'll come back to me one day. But, no sense in rushing things. Right now, I'll soak up all of the mini Natalie goodness I can, and enjoy every moment of your childhood. Your Daddy and I love you with all our hearts and have had so much fun with you in this past year - we can only imagine what the rest of them will have in store! Even your big brother Sammy is coming around - you two seem to really enjoy eachother more and more each day!
Thank you for being you, Natalie. Happy first birthday, and here's to many happy and healthy more.
I love you so very much, little girl.
with all my love,
Mommy xoxo

Retrospect...

Last year, at this exact time, I was hooked up to a fetal non-stress monitor, confused as hell, and scared out of my mind. My OB was moments away from delivering the news that I was a very sick woman and that I would not be leaving the hospital until our baby was ready to enter the world. I had nothing but the clothes on my back with me.
Anyone who knows me should know that while I'm blessed with many wonderful qualities, patience is not one of them. By nature, I am a nurturer and a caregiver, but I am a terrible patient. And here I am being told that my baby's life is in danger, and I have make the hospital my home away from home until the baby was cooked enough. This was to be anywhere from 4 to 8 weeks. FOUR TO EIGHT WEEKS?! IN A HOSPITAL BED? I'm amazed I kept my composure as long as I did. I started getting very very sad... my holiday plans were obviously thwarted. There would be no sweet potato casserole or parsnips for me. There would be no watching Elf and drinking hot cocoa and snuggling on the couch with Sam. SAM!!! I wouldn't see Sam for potentially two months? That piece may have pushed me over the edge.
No, what really pushed me over the edge was when a neonatologist approached us to explain the dangers of an early delivery and the complications and risks we'd potentially be facing. Um, sorry, what?! Last week my 28 week appointment was great! I was fine! Now we're talking about the baby coming early and lung development and... WTF?!?!?!? I began to be flooded with selfish thoughts... this kid had better get here soon! I can't stay here for the long haul! But, I knew that it was best for her to stay in there as long as possible. So, I was mentally preparing myself for the worst.
When it was official that I was being admitted, I was moved to the first room by the entrance to the maternity floor. I had my choice of rooms because the floor was virtually empty. No one else wanted to check in on Christmas Eve, apparently. I begged my OB to let me go home and pack a bag, but she was adamant that I get horizontal ASAP. As soon as I was in my bed, I was stuck with a ridiculously large needle in my ass to administer my first dose of steroids to help the baby's lungs develop. Apparently they only do this when they anticipate the worst, and early delivery is inevitable. My BFFs came running as soon as they heard the news, and once they arrived, that's when I finally lost it. Between a really nasty admitting nurse who was barking orders at me and scolding me (despite my obvious confusion and anxiety), to being handed a tri-fold hospital menu and told to select my Christmas dinner, to the terrible fear that was growing inside me that my baby really was in grave danger... it truly was one of the worst days I've ever experienced.


The next five days would be the most trying time of my life. Needless to say, Christmas last year SUCKED.


BUT


It is now a year later. We are all happy and healthy. We are all warm and have full bellies and snuggled up in our house, with fragrant candles burning and wrapping paper scattered everywhere. We haven't changed out of our PJs. Dave made us all a big breakfast (Nat enjoyed pancakes for the first time, and shared several bites with her furry brother), and are watching Christmas shows and movies on TV. We are all together, and will be for the duration of the holiday. Natalie will be spoiled rotten with love and gifts from her family and friends, and will have nothing but good memories (at least from the pictures we take!) from this Christmas. I am so grateful and humbled that we are in the position we are today. As my father said to me earlier, it was a significant price to pay last year, but SO worth the outcome. I could have never imagined I'd have such an amazing and beautiful little girl to share this Christmas with. I knew she'd be here, but I truly believe our experiences this time last year shaped her into the wonderful little person she is today. My daughter. My best friend. My heart.

Merry Christmas, everybody. Make sure to hug your loved ones a little tighter this year.