Baby Rolston - (no longer!) Under Construction

Awareness

2011-11-17T00:04:00.000-05:00

Damn. I haven't blogged in months. I think 5 to be exact. And not for lack of wanting to. Life has very much gotten in the way. Natalie is a little girl, plain and simple. She walks. She talks. She dances. She sings. She throws temper tantrums. She throws utensils. She is a little spitfire. She loves Elmo and Olivia the Pig. She knows all of the Sesame Street characters. She carries around a stuffed doggie that resembles our real dog Sam, and cannot so much as walk out of the ROOM without making sure doggie is in tow.

Today is Prematurity Awareness Day. And it is crucially important for us all to be cognizant of what that means. One in eight babies is born too soon. EIGHT. That is a lot of babies, if you think about how many babies are born each day... each minute. Many of those babies don't survive. Many do, but not without a hell of a struggle. And some just get really damned lucky.

We were one of those statistics... Natalie Diana arrived 9 weeks earlier than expected, and spent the first five weeks of her life in a little box, her oxygen and temperature regulated, tubes and wires delivering medicine and food and milk to her weak little body. She had limited contact with the ones that loved her most for that long, dark, cold winter. Thanks to the amazing tenderness and care of the ANGELS at the Phoenixville Hospital NICU, we are on the happy side of those statistics. Natalie is 6 weeks from turning 2, and other than the fact that she's a little tiny peanut, you'd never know the kid was early. Thankfully, she escaped with no breathing problems, no developmental delays, no psychological damage from her early start. She is smart as a whip, beautiful, amazing, and so very brave.

Every time I look at my little girl, I love her more. And I am ever so eternally grateful and in awe of the amazing medical professionals who have dedicated their lives to pediatric and neonatal medicine. If not for their learned minds and steady, confident hands, who knows what this blog post would have been about. This is why I urge you to educate yourselves on the scary truths about premature birth. You may not be in a position to donate, but at least appreciate and understand the grave problem it poses to so many innocent babies who may be fighting for their lives. Or who have lost their fights. Or take a minute to be in awe, as I am, of the many children whose will to live and strength to persevere granted them a chance at a happy, healthy life - like my daughter, Natalie.

Please be aware. And hug a nurse next time you see one. Give him/her an even tighter squeeze if you find out they work in a NICU.

Lucky Ladies

2011-06-16T11:13:00.000-04:00

Driving into work this morning, I got to thinking just how lucky Natalie really is. I mean, I think about it all the time, but having just dropped her with her Nana Cyd, it really struck me, both how lucky she is, and how lucky I am as well.

When I was a little girl, I got to see my Grandparents fairly often - at least once every few months. My maternal grandparents came down to PA from New Jersey quite often, and we also visited them a good bit as well. My Pop Pop owned a stationary store in New York City, right by the UN, and we used to go into Manhattan pretty frequently as a result. My Dad's parents didn't travel to us as much, but we at least saw them around Thanksgiving, Christmas, and usually once or twice throughout the rest of the year.
Natalie is so very lucky. She gets to see both sets of grandparents weekly. Sometimes multiple times in one week. She is forging such a strong relationship with them, especially her Nanas, who each care for her 1-2 days a week. With our parents living relatively close to one another, it's easy to share holidays (for the most part) and split time between both sets. They adore their granddaughter and it shows in every which way. They are SO generous and giving, in both good times and bad, and have been amazingly helpful to us in so many ways. They would do anything for us, and for their precious granddaughter.

We spend so many of our formative years resenting our parents - or at least being angry because we don't want to admit they are right. I'm so glad that I finally came around and realized just how brilliant my parents are and how right they always were. I am just as lucky as Natalie, to have been blessed with such incredible role models, who have clearly shaped me into the person I've become today. I will never be as good as them, but I'm always striving to get as close as I can. If there is one thing I can look back and regret, it's not having had a chance to spend as much time with my grandparents, both sets. I know it was a matter of distance and nothing more, but having lost 3 out of my 4 grandparents before I even graduated from high school... I just wish I'd had more opportunities with them, especially now seeing how nice it is for Natalie to spend so much time with hers.

All four of her grandparents have told me what a blessing she is, and how amazing it is to be a grandparent. I am convinced Natalie has added years to my dad's life. All my mother-in-law ever wanted was a little girl (and yet she ended up with two strapping sons), and so now she's reliving her child-rearing days with Natalie and cherishing every second. When we need a babysitter, we have to figure out "whose turn" it is, so as to keep things even, because everyone always wants Natalie. It's a lovely problem to have! Natalie has absolutely no idea just how very loved she is, but God willing will grow up having a wonderfully close relationship with her Nana Cyd, Grandpa Doug, Nana Lin, and Grandad Pete!

Pictures are worth a thousand words...

2011-05-24T15:54:00.002-04:00

And she's off...

Always stop to smell the flowers!

such a big girl now!

Transformation

2011-04-24T10:40:00.001-04:00

Over the last two weeks, I have watched a truly amazing metamorphosis. I have watched my little baby very quickly transform into a little girl. It is truly remarkable how fast she's suddenly changing...almost as if one morning she woke up and decided it was time to really start growing up. In two weeks time, she has become a (somewhat) good eater, a walker, and her vocabulary has doubled! It's so cool!!!

It started when we went to California. The trip was good (post about that coming soon) but Natalie seemed... different... after we got back. She got sick again; she'd been sick the week leading up to the trip with a nasty cold that refused to go away. But when we got back from Cali, she developed a raging fever and was a miserable, clingy little blob. We determined that she likely had roseola; a childhood disease that is indicated by a very high fever followed by an all-over rash. Luckily, it's not dangerous at all and once the fever is controlled, you just have to sit back and wait for the virus to work it's way out of the baby's system
It was terrifying, to have your child wake up in the middle of the night screaming, her skin on fire... thank GOD for infant ibuprofen. We wouldn't have survived the ordeal without it. Luckily, the whole thing only lasted 3-4 days. But it still sucked, and I hated seeing my little girl suffer.

But when Natalie was finally symptom-free, that is when she really started to transform. It was like someone hit a switch. I was lucky enough to have caught her first official steps on video, which were taken while she was still sick I might add. She didn't even realize she'd done it, but when I tried to encourage her to do it again, she was too weak and miserable to give it another shot. But once she was better, she started walking with confidence and excitement. She can make it clear across the room now without wobbling or toppling over. She hasn't quite mastered it yet, and still drops to her knees when she wants to get somewhere quickly. But, she is getting more and more confident and I'm certain she'll be walking exclusively in no time!

The eating piece is honestly what I am the happiest about. While she was sick, we were lucky if we got her three 8 oz. bottles down... and that was it. She wouldn't eat her beloved yogurt, waffles, or any of our go-to foods. I was slightly worried, but know that illness affects anyone's ability to eat, so why would it be any different for her?
But, once she started feeling better, she started wolfing down everything we put in front of her! She'll still throw the occasional item on the floor, but whereas before she refused to even try something new. Now, as long as I don't make a huge deal about it, she'll pop just about anything in her mouth. Yesterday she ate a quarter cup of green beans! GREEN BEANS! This child doesn't eat veggies!!! The occasional floret of broccoli, yes, but I've had no luck with other veggies, despite MANY repeat attempts. The other day, she ate 2 brussell sprouts (ewwww!!!) and a handful of peas! Who is this hungry child that has replaced my non-eating Natalie? Because I LOVE HER! Haha.

The talking has also changed suddenly. She has become quite a parrot (ok Mommy, note to self - time to start watching what you say around her...) and will repeat just about anything you tell her to. "Natalie, say waffle. Natalie, say book." I'm beginning to appreciate the parental ability to interpret your child's language... and every day she surprises me with another word that she's picked up. My favorite is clock... Natalie will point to a clock, digital or analog, on the wall or on your wrist, and excitedly proclaim, "CLOCK!" Though, she hasn't quite gotten the "L" sound down, so she actually has another choice word for this item. Daddy is not at all pleased.

Also, her comprehension is out of this world. We can go through a book and I can ask her, "Natalie, where's Elmo? Where's Cookie Monster?" and she will accurately identify her beloved characters page by page. If I say, "Natalie, go give your dolly her milk!" she goes right to the correct toy and knows how to make it work. It's so awesome to watch that little brain at work... we've got a clever little lady on our hands, that's for sure!

But since getting over her illness, she has transformed into this delightful, happy, pleasant little girl, and it's been absolutely wonderful. I know it's only a taste of the amazingness that is to come as she continues to grow and develop. I'm just so happy she's really making strides (literally) and starting to "catch up" in all areas!

Taking Flight

2011-03-29T10:32:00.002-04:00

In five days, we are flying to California. With Natalie in tow. Her very first flight. And of course it has to be a trans-continental flight, not a little jaunt to Boston or Chicago or something. I'm not going to lie and say that I haven't been suffering from major anxiety over it. Both the unknown of Natalie's behavior on her first flight, and the I've been constantly reassured by many fellow moms, that everything will be fine and I'm worrying over nothing. But - we've ALL been on a plane when there's been a baby wailing for the ENTIRE flight, and as much as you want to be sympathetic and feel for that child, it's annoying. Perhaps your feelings change once you have children of your own... maybe it does. But I know that the last time I flew a significant distance and a child cried incessantly, it drove me nuts. And I don't want my child to be at fault for irritating a plane full of California-bound passengers for SEVEN HOURS. Sure, I'm exaggerating... I really don't think Natalie will cry the entire time. I'm kind of hoping she won't cry or scream at all. But, I know that I struggled with my ears as a child (and even often as an adult) on takeoff and landing, and that part concerns me. That said, the only thing more annoying than a crying baby on a plane is a kid kicking the back of your seat the entire time. At least I can rest assured we won't have that problem - her little legs aren't long enough for that to even be an issue!

I was also slightly concerned about what I was going to do about feeding her properly while in transit. I am packing a ton of finger foods and snacks to offer her as the flight progresses, but she will likely need a proper meal (or two) while we're in flight, and I have no idea how that will be properly accomplished, especially since they no longer feed you on flights (at least not for free...). I also know the rules for bringing liquids on a plane are ridiculously stringent, and that doesn't help for a child who is reliant on organic whole milk and yogurt for the majority of her nutrition. And I certainly won't have a toaster on board to make her a frozen waffle, or a microwave for oatmeal. It's not as if I can't find milk or yogurt in the airport, but I'd really rather stick to what she's used to if at all possible. I mean, the world won't come to an end if she has to drink regular (GASP!) whole milk instead of organic for a bottle or two, but still... I knew there had to be some way around it. Breastfeeding Moms are allowed to bring pumped breastmilk on a plane, and I can't imagine they limit them to only 3 oz... so why wouldn't the rules apply to us non-breastfeeding parents as well? My Mom did some research, and it turns out, the rules are indeed bendable. So I can bring her some milk and yogurt, as long as we pack it separately and they are able to inspect it closely. At least that's according to the TSA website. I'm bringing the printout from which we obtained that information, just in case we run into any issues. Anyone whose ever traveled out of Philadelphia International Airport knows that you never know WHAT to expect when it comes to security... here's to hoping the lines aren't too crazy at 5:45 am on a Saturday.

The other good news is, there will be four adults that can help distract/entertain her - we are flying with my parents, so that will be a big help. Especially because Natalie is nutso for her Nana and Grandpa. But... I'm still having anxiety. It is a LONG time for a little person to be forced to "sit still." Hopefully we can take turns walking her up and down the aisle (one of her favorite activities is walking while holding someone's hands....) and the variety of parents/grandparents she'll have will keep her occupied. But... I'm still nervous.

I've already packed and re-packed her diaper bag about six times... trying to figure out which toys have the most significance, and which have the most potential to keep her attention the longest. Making sure I have enough finger foods and snacks to keep her full/happy. We were very fortunate to have inherited my Mom's "old" iPad when she invested in a newer model, so I've loaded that up with episodes of Wonder Pets, Sesame Street, Olivia, and plenty of games for Natalie to play with us. I bought some crayons and a blank pad of paper to see if we can get her to do some coloring (per the pediatrician's suggestion, too). I know I am worrying unnecessarily... and I'm sure everyone is right, that things will be fine. I haven't even begun to THINK about how this trip is going to throw off Natalie's schedule and habits - that's a whole other issue I will stress about when the time comes, LOL. But I won't be totally satisfied and de-stressed about the traveling issue until we land in Los Angeles on Saturday and can begin our much needed vacation!

Food Frustration

2011-03-13T11:25:00.000-04:00

I am a crappy blogger, and realized that I haven't had anything to say about the star of this blog since her birthday. Bad Mommy.
Anyway - Natalie is 14 1/2 months old now, and turning into an incredible little lady. She is chattering up a storm, with actual words interspersed in her baby babble. Everything is "ELMO!!!" or "woof woof," or "puffs!" She says Mama and Dada also, and a few other things here and there. I know that, any day now, she's going to start talking conversationally! She's also working on walking - she's taken a few steps on her own, though she doesn't quite trust herself to do it consistently. But if we hold her hands, she'll practically run around the house, giggling as she goes! She still only has her two front teeth in the bottom, though when she smiles I can definitely see a few more that are just below the surface, waiting to push through. It's like everything is going to happen at once, and this is all the calm before the storm!
One area in which she is not excelling, unfortunately, is her eating. We began transitioning her from pureed baby food to table food around November - very slowly at first. Giving her a few bites of age appropriate foods before offering her the purees. At first she did OK - seemed to enjoy being able to self-feed and explore new tastes and textures. But as we increased the amount of table food we were giving her, the more she rejected it. Even things that I knew she liked in pureed form, like sweet potatoes, green beans, and bananas, she was rejecting in their solid form. But I wanted to be patient - let her explore the solids at her own pace, and that eventually it would pick up and she'd transition effortlessly. But it didn't happen as quickly as we would have liked.
We had a little bit of a scare back in January... I took her for her 12 month checkup, and she'd barely gained a pound since her last appointment in October. I freaked. The pediatrician told me it was nothing to really worry about - that she had become mobile since October (crawling) and that burned a lot of extra calories. But from everything I'd read, they should be eating enough calories to make up for the calories they are burning. I know that babies gradually slow down from the very rapid weight gain many of them experience in their newborn months, but this seemed overly disconcerting to me, especially since Natalie's weight had been a concern of ours since day one of her tiny little life. I disclosed to the doc that Natalie had not been eating well - in some cases, even rejecting her beloved purees. She was not very open to trying new things, even when I was CERTAIN she would like them. And this is not for lack of trying on our part. Reintroducing things day after day, and still having no luck. And of course it wasn't helping that the Facebook and social peanut gallery was offering me suggestions and asking things like, "have you tried this? have you done that? you really need to do x, y, and z..." - as if I wasn't trying EVERYTHING in the world to try to get this kid to eat. It was painfully reminiscent of our exhausting breastfeeding struggles which ended in an epic fail... but failure wasn't an option here. We had no choice, we had to get Natalie eating properly.
Once again, the doctor said we really shouldn't be concerned... that as long as she wasn't losing weight, everything was OK. But I was not fully convinced.
So, I called in reinforcements... Montgomery County Early Intervention Services.
While Natalie was in the NICU, our case worker had informed us of this program, and how we'd be eligible for services essentially until she was 2, due to her prematurity and low birth weight. And every few months since she was born, I'd been filling out questionnaires to submit to them to help them "track" her progress. If ever anything came up suspicious on the forms, they would contact me for elaboration.
In any case, emailed our case worker and let her know that I had some concerns about Natalie's eating and weight gain. They dispatched their evaluation team, consisting of the case worker herself, an occupational therapist, a speech therapist, and a behavioral therapist. They conducted their eval of Natalie and determined that, though she was measuring ahead of her adjusted age in every other area, that yes, there likely were some issues with her feeding and they were going to refer us to a team of a dietician and an OT to help work on solving the problem.
Upon meeting with the dietician the first time, and explaining to her what Natalie WOULD eat, and the things that I'd tried to offer her that she had rejected, it was decided that yes, we were on the right track, and no, there was nothing major we could be doing differently, save from a few tips and suggestions. The following week, the Occupational Therapist came, and we began exploring the problem. We determined that a lot of Natalie's issues were texture-related, which is not at all uncommon in premature children. And that some of her resistance was simply her learning that she has an opinion and is able to exert her independence by sharing it. And it was a way for her to be able to control part of her life... something she had previously not been able to do.
The truth of the matter is, she wasn't going to starve. Even if one or two meals a day were less than sufficient, she was still getting the nutrition and calories to help sustain her from her 3 times daily bottles of formula or milk (we were in the process of transitioning her at this time, too). But, I feel strongly about successfully weaning her from a bottle before she's 18 months... so I didn't want to rely too heavily on the bottle, when I knew we just had to keep plugging away with the solids. She LOVES her breakfasts... will often times eat two full Eggo waffles, the better part of a banana, sliced strawberries, or a (200 calorie!) bowl of grown-up oatmeal. So, we know she's getting more than enough food at breakfast. It's the subsequent meals that are a struggle. Especially proteins. Yogurt is always a go-to food for us - she will pretty much eat it, in any flavor, at any time. But beyond that... we have trouble. And don't get me wrong - there are a few things that Natalie will eat, and eat a decent quantity of, at that. But I never know what those things are going to be. I really wanted to avoid the much-criticized "American-kid-mac-and-cheese-chicken-nugget" diet, but I completely and totally understand why it's so popular - as these are two foods that kids will actually eat! And even those things, as delicious as they are, she rejects sometimes. There are days that she blows my mind, and will eat everything I offer her. And other days when she would rather fire her grapes on the floor and make a mess of her tray than put anything in her mouth.
It's terribly exhausting and frustrating... and I wish there was just a magic solution that would fix it. I know it's not uncommon for kids to be picky, but Natalie's issues are beyond those of a picky eater. And I also know eventually she will work it out. But it's just another thing to check off on my list of "term baby envies" that I have running in my mind. I'm so happy for my friends and their children when I hear of the amazing milestones that they achieve and how easy things are for them... but I can't help but get a little down and feel slightly jealous sometimes too!
All of that said, Natalie is happy and healthy, and according to the dietician's scale, she had gained nearly 2 pounds in the 6 weeks since her January pediatrician appointment, so obviously something is working. But, it's still tough and mealtimes, admittedly, are my least favorite times of the day. Here's to hoping things improve soon!

Common Courtesy

2011-02-10T10:55:00.000-05:00

This is not a baby related post. This is a "Lindy is pissed off at people" post. So brace yourselves.
.
Let me begin by saying that I am sick and tired of being so damned nice. That said, I will elaborate.

I am a compulsive Outlook/iPhone calendar scheduler. I update my Outlook calendar on my computer almost daily and make sure to sync my iPhone calendar every night, so anything I've added on either end is current. I live my life by that schedule. God help the day that I lose my phone or my computer crashes and my calendar isn't up to date.
But being such an obsessive scheduler, I feel as though it makes me a more effective wife, mom, and friend. I always know where I have to be and can check my availability at a moment's notice.
I also understand that not everyone can be as organized/scheduled as me. However, I believe that I am extending the most common of courtesies to my friends when we try to find a time to get together - I check my calendar, and offer them multiple dates and times (somewhat far in advance, I might add) that might work for a rendez-vous.
So what truly pisses me off is when I offer these small gestures to help simplify life, and send emails or texts with my availability, and (some) people do not return the courtesy by even acknowledging my offer(s).

DISCLAIMER: I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND that we are a busy society and can't always respond to our friends ASAP. But come on, at least an acknowledgement in a reasonable amount of time would be appreciated. Instead, the day before one of my suggested meeting times, I feel as though I am scrambling to get in touch with the person to see if they are intending to meet up with me. And 9 out of 10 times, I get an excuse.
And here I am, keeping these proposed dates free, waiting for these people to find a time that they can "fit me in." Yet... why should I?
I am a very busy lady too. Between being a wife, a mommy, working two jobs, playing soccer, volunteering for Bark for Life, and going to the gym... I have a lot of shit going on. And I strive to still make time for the people I care about. Hence, the forward scheduling and planning. And it really feels sorta yucky when I get the feeling that people can't find or make time for me, despite my efforts to offer them SEVERAL options.
I always say I am going to just stop doing it. Not chase people down. Let them come to me if they want to see me. But I sort of know in my heart of hearts that they might not. And perhaps I should be recognizing this as a hint? That I am really not on their priority list of people for whom to make time.

Hmmmm.

Don't get me wrong. I don't expect to be everyone's best friend or top priority. But my friends mean a lot to me. And yes, I have an abundance of them. But variety is the spice of life and the people in my life shape me into who I am. Some of these "friends" are merely people I see a few times a year for a quick meal or cup of coffee. But I still like knowing that they are there and a part of my life, and knowing what's going on with them, if they want me to. I feel like Facebook and other social networking outlets have killed that face time for a lot of us; people feel like if they stay in touch electronically, that is sufficient. But it's not for me. I like the one on one time. I like seeing someone's face, talking to them in person, and feeling their physical presence around me. Even if it's only once every couple of weeks/months.

So again, I am too damn nice.

I guess I just don't want to feel that rejection. I've felt it a lot more than I care to admit in my life, and I don't particularly like it. Especially after the amount of effort I've personally made to maintain friendships. But perhaps it is just time for me to accept reality and let people go. I don't have to be on everyone's priority list, but for God's sake people... return my efffing emails or texts. Even if it's just to reject all of my suggestions, or tell me that you're too busy and have too much going on, or can't commit to a time. I can handle that. But don't just ignore me and then think you can pop up the day before (or the day of!) and ask me to hang out, most likely knowing full well that I am not available or have since made other plans. That's sneaky and shitty and I don't appreciate it. If you don't want to hang out, just tell me. But I get that you don't want to hurt my feelings. Well guess what, you are hurting my feelings by ignoring me and conveniently "forgetting" to respond to my inquiries when I've gone to significant lengths to find times I can fit you in. That hurts even more. So fuck you people.
I mean, really, I'm not an idiot. This is the mother-effing electronic age. Most of us check our email or FB or phones multiple times in a day (if not an hour...)

That's all I'm sayin'.
Ok I feel better. :)

**Let me also just add in here, that I am in NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM downplaying those of my friends and acquaintances who ARE good about communication and scheduling! I love you and appreciate you all for that! Let's make plans to get together! I'm free __________, __________, and __________! LOL**

My how far we've come...

2010-12-29T22:10:00.000-05:00

My darling lovey-bear,

Oh.My.God. You are one. ONE. You are a full year old. You have been on this earth with me and Daddy and everyone that loves you for an entire year. Twelve full months. And it seems like just yesterday I was reaching into that isolette and touching your tiny hand for the very first time.

This exact time, one year ago, I hadn't even met you yet. I was lying helpless in a hospital bed, hating every second of it, trying to recover from a very serious illness and rather major surgery. Everyone kept bringing me pictures of you and telling me how beautiful you were, but I wanted to see you. With my own eyes. And touch you with my own hands. Everything hurt. It hurt to laugh, it hurt to cry, and my heart hurt. I just wanted to be a Mommy to you, to hold you and tell you that everything would be ok, and kiss your itty bitty forehead and sing you a lullaby. You and I were both having a rough time, but we are also both very strong and knew that we had to fight, so we could have a shot at being Mommy and Daughter. And we succeeded! Here we are today, to tell our tale.

Stevie Wonder said it best: you truly are the sunshine of my life. You make every day brighter. You are so chock full of personality - every day shapes you a little more into this incredible mini person. You are so smart - though you haven't yet learned how to verbalize what you want to say, you don't hesitate to try! You understand so much more than we even realize, and your never cease to amaze me with the things you know. You are so determined - you will pull yourself up on just about any surface and grab anything that is within reach. It's only a matter of time before you're walking, then running... poor Sammy has no idea what he's in for in a few months! You are curious and nosy and even the tiniest sound will pique your interest and your head whips around to see what's going on. I love that when you get sleepy, you take a soft toy and rub your nose with it, and then snuggle your head down onto my shoulder and softly babble in my ear. I love how excited you get when your Daddy comes in the door - you practically vibrate! I love that you reach out to me now when you want me to hold you - there is nothing quite like that feeling! I love how much you love your Nanas and Grandpas... it's so important to us that you have a good relationship with them and I'm so glad that you are able. It's one thing I wish I'd had more of in my youth. And I love, LOVE, LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE your laugh. It is the most magical, beautiful sound I could ever ask to hear. I wish I could bottle it up and keep it forever... it is the remedy for even the most awful of moods or saddest of days. You have the ability to bring a smile to anyone's face with that little giggle. I could go on and on about all the things I love about you... they truly are endless.
I think about the teeny tiny baby that you were, and the big girl you're turning out to be now... it brings tears of joy to my eyes to know how far you have come. Since day one, you have been strong and brave, and just simply amazing, and I cannot rightfully put into words how proud I am to be your mama. We have our great days, and our not so great days... but ultimately, every day with you in it is a good one. You are SO loved by SO many people, many of whom have been following your story since before you were even here. You are my best friend in the whole world and I hope we can stay that way for a long, long time. I will accept the grim reality that the day may come where you can't stand me, but I also know that there is a light at the end of that tunnel and you'll come back to me one day. But, no sense in rushing things. Right now, I'll soak up all of the mini Natalie goodness I can, and enjoy every moment of your childhood. Your Daddy and I love you with all our hearts and have had so much fun with you in this past year - we can only imagine what the rest of them will have in store! Even your big brother Sammy is coming around - you two seem to really enjoy eachother more and more each day!
Thank you for being you, Natalie. Happy first birthday, and here's to many happy and healthy more.
I love you so very much, little girl.
with all my love,
Mommy xoxo

Retrospect...

2010-12-24T11:34:00.000-05:00

Last year, at this exact time, I was hooked up to a fetal non-stress monitor, confused as hell, and scared out of my mind. My OB was moments away from delivering the news that I was a very sick woman and that I would not be leaving the hospital until our baby was ready to enter the world. I had nothing but the clothes on my back with me.
Anyone who knows me should know that while I'm blessed with many wonderful qualities, patience is not one of them. By nature, I am a nurturer and a caregiver, but I am a terrible patient. And here I am being told that my baby's life is in danger, and I have make the hospital my home away from home until the baby was cooked enough. This was to be anywhere from 4 to 8 weeks. FOUR TO EIGHT WEEKS?! IN A HOSPITAL BED? I'm amazed I kept my composure as long as I did. I started getting very very sad... my holiday plans were obviously thwarted. There would be no sweet potato casserole or parsnips for me. There would be no watching Elf and drinking hot cocoa and snuggling on the couch with Sam. SAM!!! I wouldn't see Sam for potentially two months? That piece may have pushed me over the edge.
No, what really pushed me over the edge was when a neonatologist approached us to explain the dangers of an early delivery and the complications and risks we'd potentially be facing. Um, sorry, what?! Last week my 28 week appointment was great! I was fine! Now we're talking about the baby coming early and lung development and... WTF?!?!?!? I began to be flooded with selfish thoughts... this kid had better get here soon! I can't stay here for the long haul! But, I knew that it was best for her to stay in there as long as possible. So, I was mentally preparing myself for the worst.
When it was official that I was being admitted, I was moved to the first room by the entrance to the maternity floor. I had my choice of rooms because the floor was virtually empty. No one else wanted to check in on Christmas Eve, apparently. I begged my OB to let me go home and pack a bag, but she was adamant that I get horizontal ASAP. As soon as I was in my bed, I was stuck with a ridiculously large needle in my ass to administer my first dose of steroids to help the baby's lungs develop. Apparently they only do this when they anticipate the worst, and early delivery is inevitable. My BFFs came running as soon as they heard the news, and once they arrived, that's when I finally lost it. Between a really nasty admitting nurse who was barking orders at me and scolding me (despite my obvious confusion and anxiety), to being handed a tri-fold hospital menu and told to select my Christmas dinner, to the terrible fear that was growing inside me that my baby really was in grave danger... it truly was one of the worst days I've ever experienced.

The next five days would be the most trying time of my life. Needless to say, Christmas last year SUCKED.

BUT

It is now a year later. We are all happy and healthy. We are all warm and have full bellies and snuggled up in our house, with fragrant candles burning and wrapping paper scattered everywhere. We haven't changed out of our PJs. Dave made us all a big breakfast (Nat enjoyed pancakes for the first time, and shared several bites with her furry brother), and are watching Christmas shows and movies on TV. We are all together, and will be for the duration of the holiday. Natalie will be spoiled rotten with love and gifts from her family and friends, and will have nothing but good memories (at least from the pictures we take!) from this Christmas. I am so grateful and humbled that we are in the position we are today. As my father said to me earlier, it was a significant price to pay last year, but SO worth the outcome. I could have never imagined I'd have such an amazing and beautiful little girl to share this Christmas with. I knew she'd be here, but I truly believe our experiences this time last year shaped her into the wonderful little person she is today. My daughter. My best friend. My heart.

Merry Christmas, everybody. Make sure to hug your loved ones a little tighter this year.

Peach McGee, Miss Kiss, Mini-bear, or sometimes Natalie...

2010-11-23T08:42:00.000-05:00

Natalie is turning into a little girl, and she's not as much of a baby anymore. Her personality is shining through, and every day she changes and grows, and it's just amazing to watch. She is feisty and stubborn, but sweet as sugar. She is now mobile, and though she doesn't always use the conventional method of crawling everywhere, she certainly gets herself where she wants to go. She is always smiling. She wakes up smiling, goes to bed smiling... just such a happy little person!!! She LOVES playing with toys now, and it's fun to watch her discover new ones and the secrets they may hold. If it plays music, Natalie is a fan. If it opens and something can go in it, she's digging it. I even caught her trying to put some blocks into a shape sorter. She had little success, but at least her little brain is working and she's trying. She makes very expressive faces now, which are hysterical. When she is upset about something or mad, she furrows her little brow and sorta looks at you from the side of her head, and you have to conceal laughter... it's so funny.
It's so unreal to watch her enjoy life. She loves Sesame Street, and starts kicking her little legs and squealing when Abby's Flying Fairy School or Elmo's World comes on. She bops to the music, which is indescribably adorable. She still likes the Wonder Pets, and will sit through an entire 12 minute episode on my lap, watching intently. She speaks incessantly, though 99.9% of the time her dialect is completely uninterpretable. She does say "dada" and occasionally "mama," but she hasn't actually addressed either of us yet. Though we know she's using the words correctly. My favorite development is that when I go to pick her up, she reaches out for me now. Which is just such an awesome feeling, knowing that my little girl actually wants me, and can show it.
She is extremely good at self-entertaining; we can put her on her play mat surrounded by toys and she'll keep herself occupied for 30 minutes. It's great to see her so independent. She's good about going to just about anyone, and has rarely if ever shown any signs of separation anxiety. I know that often comes later in their development, but at 11 months, I'm happy to say that my child is well-adjusted and willing to go to almost anyone. Occasionally she will frown or turn her little lip out if she's unsure, but it's usually because she's tired or just woke up, not because she's really that uncertain.
Anyway, I just had to write about her today because I am sitting here on the couch marveling at my little lady squirming around on the floor, foraging in her little purple toy box for toys, and loving how incredible she truly is. I can't believe in less than 5 weeks my little girl will be one. OMG.

better late than never

2010-10-17T22:52:00.000-04:00

Natalie had her 9 month appointment this past week. And she is making amazing strides. Dr. Jen is thrilled with her progress, and since last Wednesday we've even added some dairy back into Nat's diet. Our hope is that she has outgrown her awful cow's milk protein allergy and we can stop feeding her the liquid gold (Nutramigen AA) and get her onto a more affordable formula that her little belly can tolerate. And then, hopefully, even whole milk when she's past 1 year!!!

Anyway, that said, I have been reflecting a lot these past few days as to just how lucky we are that Natalie is here with us to help me tell her tale. We were so lucky... given how early she came, her low birth weight, her first few days in the NICU struggling to gain some solid ground. Someone was looking down on us during that frosty January as she fought to survive... Natalie managed to avoid so many of the complications she could have faced... I'll say it again - we are just SO lucky. And I tell her that every single day with abundant hugs, kisses, snuggles, and zerberts.

Again, that said... in my reflection, I have to acknowledge what this past Friday signified. October 15th was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. To so many heartbroken families, this is a day to remember those amazing and beautiful little people who tried so hard to fight and unfortunately lost their battles. I know a few people who have had to deal with such loss, and to them, my heart truly goes out. Even one person is one too many. So, as this post's title states, I felt it was better late than never to acknowledge this day. I sit here a humbled woman - realizing just how fortunate I am that my beautiful daughter sleeps soundly upstairs in her crib and continues to awe and inspire us every day with her strength, tenacity, and spirit.

need.to.slow.down.

2010-10-12T17:54:00.000-04:00

Let me begin by saying, I had an awesome day today. I was home from work, the weather was nice, and I got to spend the whole day with my best girlfriend, Natalie Diana Rolston. It's important to point this out, because the rest of this post is one big complaint. You've been warned.

I haven't blogged in like 2 months. And so much has changed in that 2 months. Natalie survived her first vacation to OCNJ. Both my MIL and FIL were hospitalized for a mini-stroke and a minor heart attack, respectively. My Great Uncle Don died. I started working out 3x a week at 5:30 am. I took on a second job (at which I am being fully taken advantage of, and I really can't stand, but that's another blog for another day). I've been doing a lot of volunteer work for Bark For Life. I've been putting in 14-16 hour days a few times a week and have managed to avoid getting sick until now, but for the past few days my throat has been sore and I've been feeling really weary... so I'm really hoping that this isn't the beginning of something awful.

But enough about me. Onto the good stuff. Natalie survived her first vacation to OCNJ. She started taking swim classes at the YMCA. She sleeps through the night like a champ - 10-11 hours on a good night. She loves to play with toys, especially anything that plays music or lights up. She learned how to sit up on her own, and can now feed herself small bits of food with her fingers. Still no teeth, but she loves her some baby food! She can't crawl yet, but when on her belly, she can scooch backwards and get herself from point A to point B. She is incredibly vocal, and is always trying to communicate - sometimes it even sounds like she is singing! I'd imagine that talking may very well be her next milestone. She's not far from saying "Da Da" and meaning it. It wouldn't surprise any of us, since I started talking at 10 months. She sorta knows how to wave bye bye, and with some practice, gets the idea of a high five. She loves music and giggles all the time. She's turning into an amazing, beautiful little girl and moving away from that helpless little baby that she was for so long. She requires a lot more attention now, and while she's a pretty good napper, when she's awake, she typically requires a lot out of her caregiver. And my most favorite days are when I actually get a day or a half day off and can spend time with her. Of course for the past 2 or 3 weeks, any days I've had off, it's been pouring rain and I haven't been able to enjoy the outdoors with her. But that's neither here nor there. That's just Mother Nature playing games with me.

But this mommy is tired. I am wiped out. Zonked. I am stretching myself way too thin and I don't know how to slow down. I guess it's not in my nature. I am green with envy at all of my SAHM friends who are enjoying this beautiful autumn with their beautiful babies, and I am running myself ragged to bring in a pathetic extra paycheck. I never thought I wanted to stay at home, and in truth I don't want to full time. But now that Natalie is changing and growing and so much fun, it kills me to leave the house at 9:00 am and not get home until 7 or 8 that night. I've missed the entire day with her. Some nights the only time I get with her is that final kiss goodnight as she's already slumbering away in her crib. And it makes me sad. Sometimes I even cry myself to sleep at night once Dave's gone to bed. I just don't understand why it has to be so hard. Now, I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party here. I know we're not the first young family to struggle. I just don't get how other people make it seem so effortless and easy to dedicate their lives to raising their children and not have to worry about where they're gonna get money to pay bills and buy groceries, etc. And then on the days that I am home, I don't want to do ANYTHING productive, so my laundry piles up and the house doesn't get clean. I end up getting sucked into chatting on the computer and then I'm wasting all the free time I actually do have listening to my friends and their drama.

That's another thing wiping me out. I love my friends dearly but holy GOD do I know some doozies! I sometimes just want to hide myself away from all the drama, because I feel like it begins to infiltrate my own mind and I don't have time for that!!! It's mentally exhausting, especially when I feel like I have to be careful to say the right thing because people have a heightened sensitivity factor. But, I know, that's what friends are for, and despite Dave constantly making fun of me (and asking me why I'm not getting paid for the therapy I'm administering), I listen and give support when and where I can. But sometimes I just want to make myself invisible (both online and in real life) to avoid it, for just one night.

But anyway back to the work thing - I guess everyone's situation is different, and how people do what they do ain't none of my business. I just know that in our world, I have to work if we want to maintain the quality of life that we know and love. And even with me working, we've had to cut corners as any new family who's on a limited income does. But when it came down to things like cancelling all the paid cable channels and dropping our iPhone service, and getting rid of the house phone and cancelling the gym membership (among many other things), I realized that I'd rather put in that time at work to be able to enjoy those mini-luxuries. And on the upside (if there is one to be found), at least I'm lucky enough to only have to work 25 hours, and not 40+ like some moms I know. And for the time being we're still managing to save money on daycare by utilizing mine and Dave's moms... and the occasional helpful friend (thank you Jen and Katelyn and Lauren and everyone else who's lent a hand!!!!).

The most depressing thing is the realization that, unless something changes dramatically, there's a good chance that Natalie could be an only child. If we're having this much trouble making ends meet with only one, how the hell would two work?! How do people do it with 3, 4, or more? And the Duggars? Don't even get me started on them. LOL. Good thing we have a few years before we have to make that kind of decision!

I just know that I need to slow down before I burn myself out completely and then I'm useless to my family and myself. That cannot happen.

I just need more days like today. But unfortunately, they only come once a week.

Everything but the kitchen sink... (but even that would be useful!)

2010-07-29T00:23:00.000-04:00

Last night I began the daunting task of packing a 7 month old for the shore.

Holy hell. I need a bigger car.

Friends with kids have always said how it's challenging to travel with children, because of the sheer volume of equipment you need. But I never knew just how crazy it is. My entire guest room bed is covered in Natalie's gear, from her multitude of clothes, to a pack of diapers, to cans of formula, to her baby food, to burp cloths and bibs, to towels and blankets, to bumbo chairs and boppy pillows... oy. And this is only for a week. Luckily, the house we rent has a very efficient washer and dryer so I can certainly do a load or two if necessary. But still... it's a lot of stuff. And this is not even including the pack 'n' play in which she will sleep, and the stroller, the travel swing, and anything else I decide at the last minute that she will need for our week-long adventure. I haven't even started packing myself, I've been so consumed with making sure I have everything for her. But let's face it, we're going to New Jersey, not the Republic of the Sudan. Rite Aid and ACME are only a ten minute drive away, should I leave anything behind.

I am very very very very excited to take Natalie on her first vacation. And it will also be my first and only vacation in the last 12 months, and quite possibly for the next 6-12 months too. I cannot wait to sit in the surf with her and let the tide wash over us. I can already hear her squeals of delight (or terror)! And I think it will definitely help me decompress and relax a little bit. It'll be fun to spend the week with my parents, and I know they're going to LOVE having that precious time with Natalie. I'm kinda bummed because Dave can only stay until early Tuesday morning, but I am happy that he can at least join us for a few days.

In other news, Natalie has a new game she likes to play. It's called, "let's-freak-mommy-out-by-flipping-onto-our-belly-in-our-crib." This is a relatively new activity but it's giving me agita. Everything you hear is back back back. Back to sleep, say no to the tummy... and all along I thought it was because of a risk of suffocation. But, thanks to a good friend, I've been enlightened as to why it's not recommended... and some of my fears have been put to rest. Some. Thank you, N, for having done your research!
In any case, I experience this overwhelming desire to go into Natalie's nursery and flip her back onto her back. Which she doesn't like, I can tell you that much. She screams, and almost immediately rolls back onto her stomach. And then this brings me back to 6 weeks ago when we first introduced her to her crib, and I obsessively stared at the video monitor screen, unable to take my eyes off it, making sure she's ok. It was ridiculous, but it was the first time I'd experienced this kind of anxiety since she'd been home. And now I feel like I'm having this problem all over again. And I have to think to myself, what did people do when video monitors weren't available to consumers? Chill the eff out, Lindy. Seriously, get a grip.

Which brings me to my next point - I have been suffering from insomnia. I cannot sleep. I try, I WANT to sleep, but I cannot put my mind to rest. I want to go up to bed when Dave goes up, shortly after we put Natalie in her crib... but I'm nowhere near tired at that point. And then I get sucked into watching shitty TV or surfing the web for hours on end... and suddenly it's stupid o'clock in the morning and I'm still awake. I feel LUCKY if I get myself to sleep by 1 or 1:30. And that's on a good night.

I'm convinced this insomnia is stress-related, not even entirely Natalie related. I am stressed because my part-time job is not bringing in enough money. I am stressed because I've been applying to more part-time jobs and haven't been hearing anything back. I am stressed because I may have to return to work full time sooner than planned which means finding full time childcare, which is $$$$$. I am stressed that Dave and I hardly ever get to spend any quality time together anymore because we're either working, taking care of Natalie, or sleeping. I am stressed that Natalie isn't eating enough, because now that she sleeps longer, she doesn't get as many bottles. I am stressed because being a parent of a preemie is stressful, and it's stressful because I want Natalie to be meeting milestones for her actual age, not her adjusted age. I am stressed because, in several instances, I've been feeling underappreciated and frustrated with that. I am stressed because, well... I guess I did such a good job of not being stressed a few months ago during the REALLY truly stressful time in my life, that it's all coming back to bite me in the ass now.
But, as stated earlier in this post, hopefully our upcoming Ocean City, New Jersey getaway will help to diminish some of the stress. I could do with a few rounds of mini golf, some heated Yahtzee challenges, a few (hundred!!!) slices of Mack and Manco's pizza, and some good old fashioned vitamin D. And at least I know that listening to the peaceful sound of the rolling waves may help me sleep a little better at night, even if only for the week.

Rollin', Rollin', Rollin'!

2010-07-14T23:57:00.000-04:00

Natalie can roll over now.

It started a few weeks ago, she would tentatively flip to her side from either her back or her stomach, but she wouldn't quite make it all the way over.
But things have changed. Now, pretty much anytime we put her on her stomach for tummy time, she flips over. And she's just now mastering the ability to roll over from her back onto her tummy.

Life as we know it is not far from changing entirely.

At Natalie's 6 month appointment last week, her pediatrician mentioned yet another daunting "b" word to me... baby-proofing. And I am finding it hard to believe we're even close to having that conversation! My little person is growing up so fast, and in another couple of months she may very likely be on the move. I watched my friend Kate babyproof her house for her daughter Juliette and then watched how quickly anything in Jules' path becomes an obstacle when she brings her over here. I am definitely not ready to think about how we're going to prevent Natalie from getting knee deep in electronics, DVDs, magazines, and everything else that is superfluously hanging around in our living room. Never mind the rest of the house...

But it's amazing to watch... how babies change literally on a day to day basis and are constantly learning and absorbing new things. And often you can blink your eye and miss one of them. A bunch of my friends whose daughters are all somewhat close in age to Natalie have been experiencing similar phenomena; some further along than others. Natalie's friend Noel is all but running marathons now, her friend Kaity sits up and plays like a big girl, and her friend Ryleigh has discovered how convenient it is to use rolling as a method of transportation (and how equally frustrating it is to not be able to do much more than that...)
I have to keep reminding myself that, though Natalie is close in physical age to these lovely ladies, she's still behind developmentally. And that's totally ok. But it's hard sometimes, wondering why your 6 1/2 month old isn't keeping up with the Jones', literally. But, she's met and exceeded most of the milestones for her adjusted age, and rolling is one of them. And, while I don't want to seem to eager to have my little girl grow up, it is exciting to know that she's making progress and improving each and every day. It's so funny - when they're this little, you just want them to learn and grow and reach milestones. And then, from what I hear, their childhood flies by and they start to transform from babies into kids and then so on and so forth, and you can't believe you wished away the infant days. So... I guess I'll just sit back and enjoy the little things now, and keep on laughing my head off when I watch Natalie toss her little torso back and forth with such determination!

But OMG... poor Sammy, once Natalie IS mobile. God help him.

Half a year

2010-06-28T23:18:00.000-04:00

Twelve months ago, your Daddy and I had only just learned of your presence inside my tummy.

Twelve months ago, I didn't know if you were going to be a Natalie or a Tyler.

Twelve months ago, I didn't know if I was going to be a good mother to you.

Twelve months ago, we began our journey together.

The first part of that journey ended on December 29th, 2009.

I cannot believe that tomorrow you will be half a year old.

I cannot believe how much I am truly enjoying being your Mommy.

I always liked kids, and knew I'd like motherhood, but had no idea what joy and fulfillment you'd bring to my life.

Your little smile brightens up the room regardless of how dark it is outside. You fill my heart with such happiness. I live my days with you at the forefront of my mind, and every decision I make ultimately comes back to you. I cherish every second we spend together and am having so much fun watching you learn, discover, and delight in the world around you. I am so looking forward to watching you grow up. I want to teach you things, and have you teach me. I want to sing to you, and make you laugh. I want you to look at me with that look that I know only a child can give it's mother. I want to kiss you goodnight every single night that you'll let me.

I cannot believe that tomorrow you will be six months old already.

A little over six months ago, I had no idea how my life was about to change so suddenly.

A little over six months ago, I was wrapping gifts, listening to Christmas music, and getting ready to indulge in many a holiday feast, dreaming of what it would be like to share it with you the following year.

Six months ago, we were both fighting for our lives, and nobody could say for sure what was going to happen to either of us.

Six months ago, I felt such terror and anxiety every day visiting you in your little box, longing to snuggle you and cuddle you, but knowing how fragile and helpless you really were.

Six months ago, I cried myself to sleep many nights because you weren't there with me.

Five months ago, I experienced overwhelming joy and elation the day we were told you could finally come home with us. All 4 lbs, 6 oz of you.

In only six months, we've already been through a lot together. But really, our journey has only just begun. And now I'm watching you peacefully sleep in your crib, loving you more and more every second of every day. I am so lucky to have you, and I am so grateful that you are a happy and healthy little girl. I am so proud of you for fighting so hard and for being so strong. I love you so very much, Natalie Noodle.

Happy 6 months to you, my beautiful daughter.

All My Love,

Mommy

Isn't it ironic (doncha think?)

2010-06-11T15:34:00.000-04:00

I was just sitting here, blog-jumping, and came back to my own, and read back to the beginning of my pregnancy journey. And I found this entry, in which I was questioning my ability to be a Mommy. Which is not the ironic part, as I like to think I'm shaping up to be a lovely little Momma to my Noodle. But, what is ironic is the fact that just before I wrote that blog entry, I was watching "18 Kids and Counting" and marveling at Michelle Duggar's feat of bringing 18 children into this world. I never really watched that show regularly back then, in fact, I found the whole situation to be rather odd and really only watched it for curiosity's sake, not to be entertained. Little did I know, I would end up finding a kindred spirit in her, as we both were plagued with the same life-threatening condition that ultimately led to her show's title changing to "18 19 Kids and Counting" right around the same time Miss Natalie was born. Michelle announced her pregnancy in September, which they claim was unexpected so soon (please, your show was called "18 Kids AND COUNTING," there's no such thing as an unexpected pregnancy in your world) and ended up delivering baby Josie Brooklyn on December 10th or thereabouts, via an emergency c-section, at only 25 weeks gestation. I've been watching their show ever since I got home from the hospital and realized we'd been through the same thing, and when they show the NICU and tiny little Josie hooked up to all of those monitors and machines and the beeping etc etc etc, it's been hauntingly familiar and my heart completely goes out to Michelle Duggar. I know exactly what was feeling and how terrifying those first few days/weeks are. Only NICU Moms can really understand what other NICU Moms truly go through. Everyone else can try, but until you've been there, and it's been your tiny precious little one in that isolette that you can't hold close to you without medical supervision, you can't really begin to conceptualize what it's like. Though we appreciate everyone's effort :)
Unfortunately, Josie had a much much rougher NICU journey than Natalie. She was a full pound and a half smaller than Nat at birth, and suffered a perforated bowel within the first two weeks of her life, which set her recovery back tenfold. It's incredible just how important that extra 6 weeks in utero really is. In our case, the extra 5 days that they were able to keep Natalie inside me apparently were essential for lung development (in addition to the steroid shots I was given to help her along) and really gave her a better prognosis, being delivered at 31 weeks instead of 30. Amazing.
Anyway, the good news is, baby Josie Duggar is finally home with her family. She was initially released in April, but after less than 48 hours at home, she had to go back because she was having some issues and her vitals were not good. But now, at 5 1/2 months, she's once again home with her loving family, and it sounds as though she's there to say, God willing. Another part of the irony of all this is that the reason Josie had to go back into the hospital was she had some undiagnosed digestive issues. Turns out, the kid's allergic to dairy. Just like Natalie. It's so weird how similar our situations are. Though, mine was my first pregnancy and Michelle's was her 17th... but still, we have a bond even though we will likely never know one another.
Now, I don't want this blog post to turn into an ethical debate, because I have very strong feelings about the Duggars and the Quiverfull movement in which they are strong believers and active participants, however... I am so happy for them that their scary NICU nightmare is over, and they can begin to spend quality time, as a family, with their new beautiful baby girl. I know how precious and special that moment was to Dave and myself when we finally got to walk out the door of the Maternity ward at P-ville Hospital for the last time with our daughter in hand.

But I'm sure Michelle Duggar would whole-heartedly agree with me on one thing: Pre-eclampsia sucks.

(And the last thing I have to say is, hopefully the Duggars will think about what they've just been through, and use some sound judgement and wait awhile, to give Josie the extra care and TLC that she needs to catch up to her brothers and sisters, before they change the title of their show again.) I digress...

A better blogger

2010-06-09T21:41:00.000-04:00

Thinking about blogging has stressed me out lately.

I don't know why I can't seem to keep up with this. I really wanted to. Or at least I thought I did. I envy those who are able to check into their blogs regularly and update the world on their life and the exciting things happening in it. I had big plans to keep up with this blog, if not for myself, then for Natalie's sake - so when she gets older, she can read about my journey to get her here, and our adventures once she arrived. But I'm just not good at it. And I can't blame time - I have plenty of that. I just don't choose to write like I want to. I've come to the conclusion that I think I like reading other people's blogs more than writing my own. I don't feel like I am anywhere near as clever or verbally expressive as most of my blog-writing compadres and I sometimes feel like what I write comes out forced or put-on, if that makes sense. And I know it's not a competition, but I feel like there are so many more interesting blogs out there and that my ridiculous rambling drivel is probably just as uninteresting to others as it is to me.

That said, I sat down today to try to write. But, being the ever so slightly OCD person than I am, especially when it comes to doing things chronologically, I sat here trying to go back and figure out all of the things that were mentionable in the order that I felt it necessary to mention them. And I just got annoyed. That I can't just sit and write freely - that this has to feel like a process. I guess maybe this was more fun when I was still pregnant and there were all of those milestones and moments that were unique and fun and exciting.

But hang on.

Having a baby is unique and fun and exciting. And every baby is different. And everyone's journey into parenthood is different. And there are a lot of funny stories and moments that I could potentially share in this blog. And then I came to the grand realization; I'm just spending too much time enjoying Natalie and her progress in real life, and not worried about writing it down, because no matter what, I'll remember the parts that count and be able to share them with her when she needs or wants to know.

So, all of that said, I'm going to attempt to be a "better blogger." But I won't sweat it, if, say, two months goes by without a word recorded. I don't need to jump online and document every time Natalie eats a different solid food, or bats an eyelash. Kudos to those of you out there reading this who may be able to keep up with detail like that. But this Mommy's got better things to do than stress over an outdated blog. ;-)

Guilt

2010-04-06T13:47:00.003-04:00

I'm told that from the minute your child arrives, motherly guilt sets in. And it doesn't ever stop. This is proving to be very true for me, and I'm having a really hard time with it. First, I was feeling guilty because I wasn't necessarily eating as well as I could have been, and had the fear of GD looming over me. But, we got past that with no problems, and no diagnosis, and I spent the last 6 weeks that I was pregnant trying harder to be healthier for her. Then (and this was a major one) I was feeling terribly guilty that my body failed Natalie when she was born so early, and that she was forced to struggle for the first few weeks of her life because I didn't do for her what I should have. That took awhile to get past... and even now, when I look at other people's kids who are "term" babies, I sometimes still feel sad and think, what if things had been different and I'd carried her longer. And now it's the guilt of not being able to nurse her the way I'd wanted/hoped to. Granted, it's not really my "fault," but I still feel bad about it. And we've finally gotten to a point where my breastmilk is just no longer going to work for her. I've eliminated everything imaginable from my diet, as discussed in a previous post, and poor Natalie is still having trouble. So within the next two weeks or so, my daughter will be solely formula-fed. And unfortuntaely, the formula that we have to put her on is $40 a can... this is even more expensive than the Nutramigen we thought we'd have her on previously (turns out, there's still hydrolized cow's milk in it, so that's out) so it's going to put us in the poorhouse. Never mind the fact that I've just this week resigned from my job, but that's a topic for another post entirely - coming soon! Luckily I was able to buy a few cases through eBay auctions for half the price, but they won't last us long once she's fully formula fed and taking more at each feeding.
But it's something I'm really struggling with and I'm not sure how to get past! What doesn't help my case is that whenever I do internet research on her allergy or the formula we have to put her on, I find a bunch of responses from people who chastize formula-feeders and stress the importance of breastmilk and ONLY breastmilk. Well, those mofos need to walk a minute in my shoes and see how they feel. It's hard. Really freaking hard. Especially when your supply is good and you are PHYSICALLY able to do something that just doesn't work for your child. It's not fair for them to make you feel even worse than you already do about something that is beyond your control, especially when it's medically necessary. And my friends and family are trying to be supportive - telling me I've done an awesome job, to cut myself a break... but I really don't think they understand how hard this is on me... and if they were in my situation, they'd get why it's such a difficult thing to deal with. But I appreciate their support nonetheless.
I've also been attending monthly meetings at a preemie parent support group, and it has been VERY beneficial. The other Moms there are really nice and are a huge wealth of knowledge and information. And it did help surpress my guilt a little bit - since they all knew exactly what I was feeling. But, at the end of the day, I still feel that guilt. I want to do what's best for my little girl, no matter what. And sometimes what I'm doing just doesn't feel like enough.

Spring Hath Sprung

2010-04-06T12:57:00.000-04:00

Normally, I'm a cold weather girl. I love snow. I love the cool crisp air and seeing your breath for the first time. I love snuggling under blankets and drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows. I love putting on layers to cover up parts of me I don't want the world to see. When the weather starts to improve, I dread the day that I have to expose my pasty white skin to the population, and I shudder at the thought of my cottage cheese thighs being visible to anyone else. I start to get envious of the smaller, skinner, more toned people around me who can de-layer themselves and be near perfect without effort.

But not this year.

This year, I am very excited. I cannot WAIT for the days to consistently be warmer. As soon as the morning chill has burned off, I throw open the windows and dust the sills to let sunshine flood my living room. I bundle Natalie up and walk her down to the mailbox, carefully shielding her sensitive little eyes from the glaring sun, but still getting her a little dose of that wonderful vitamin D.

She is the reason I am excited. I am thinking about all of the wonderful walks we'll have around the neighborhood this spring and summer. I'm thinking Dave and I about taking her and Sammy to Valley Forge Park for picnics. And I'm thinking about finally being able to take my daughter out and show her off to the world. Sure, Facebook and other online sharing sites are great and have given her an instant celebrity status, but I want people to actually SEE her. I want to put her in her really stinkin' cute spring and summer outfits and parade her around, watching her eyes fill with wonder as she takes it all in. I know there is a lot to see in our little house here at 22 Queen, but there is so much more out there for her, and now that she's finally getting a little bigger and developing, she's going to start discovering it all. I want to take her to the shore this summer and dip her little feet in the ocean, and let her squish her toes in the sand. I want to take her to the zoo and tell her about all of the animals. I want to watch her get bigger and become best friends with her big fluffy brother.

There is so much I want to do with this little girl, and I'm so excited that she's here and we can start doing it now that it's getting nicer.

Don't get me wrong, I'll always be a cold weather gal... but I think the abundance of snow this winter really burned me out, and I'm ready for that sun.

Moo = BOO

2010-03-10T23:07:00.006-05:00

Every new Mom and Dad face challenges, however, having a preemie makes things just the teensiest bit more difficult. Your baby is smaller, a little behind developmentally, and requires a little more TLC to be able to do the things a term baby should be able to do. Our Natalie is coming along amazingly well, and growing by the day, but one big challenge we've faced since birth is her eating. Because she was born at 31 weeks, she was not developmentally advanced enough to be able to suck, swallow, and breathe at the same time, so her initial feedings (once she was off the IV nutrients on day 3) had to be administered via an NG (nasogastric) tube that went from her nose down into her tummy. As she got older, they started introducing a bottle every few feeds, and then every other feed, and by the time she was 3 weeks old, she was getting almost every feed by bottle, which was great. And I might add, she was being fed exclusively breastmilk once she no longer needed the IV nutrients, I was pumping 6-8x a day and bringing the goods down to the hospital when we went to visit her. Anyway I was very adamant about wanting to physically breastfeed her as soon as she was able. But even that was proving to be an issue early on. Because she was so small and her suck was still pretty weak, she was having difficulty latching om and getting anything out of me. I worked with a lactation consultant to get the technique right, and once I knew I was doing right on my end, we had to discuss options. Eventually we came up with a device that I could use to help Natalie latch on a little better, which we're still using to this day, but she's still not efficient.

And then... to top it ALL off...

Shortly after Natalie came home from the NICU, we found out that she may very well be allergic to milk protein. This poses a very large problem for me as a mother attempting to breastfeed - I had to eliminate any, and I mean ALL dairy, from my diet. This includes anything that has any form of milk in it at all. Not just skipping that cold glass of milk with my chocolate chip cookies. No milk, no butter, no cheese... and nothing that contains any of the aforementioned items. So suddenly I find myself standing in the grocery store 3x as long, reading labels closely so as not to miss anything that might damage my child's tummy. And lemme tell ya... you have NO IDEA how much of what we eat everyday has a form of dairy in it. Everything manages to squeeze it in. A lot of processed foods contain sodium caseinate, which is a sneaky way they can package their product and plaster the words "now with protein!" across the label, even though the product might not actually contain any proper milk. Unfortunately, casein is a form of cow's milk protein, and apparently my daughter's system can't handle it. At first, I was devastated; how can I go without my grande non-fat white chocolate mocha from Starbucks?! I tried the soy version of it; bleh. But luckily, with the aid of the internet, friends on Facebook, and our pediatrician's resources, I found a good list of things I am allowed to eat that do not contain dairy or traces of it - including Duncan Hines chewy fudge brownies, which I consequently went to BJ's Wholesale Club and bought in bulk for when I get cravings for dessert. Because if you've ever tried to find a dairy-free dessert that's even remotely worth eating, it's not an easy task. But, other than a few things that don't have a palatable substitute, I was OK with this dairy removal. Hoping it might even benefit my waistline. Ixnay on that. I'm still allowed to eat most carbs. Sigh.

Anyway, this milk-protein allergy this is not a life threatening allergy by any means. In fact, for all intents and purposes, it really seems to be more of a "sensitivity" than an actual allergy, and you might not even know this kid had a problem if you didn't examine her dirty diapers very closely. But, because she is too little to tell us what's wrong, and most allergy tests aren't effective at this stage, the pediatrician has to assume that it is a milk protein allergy because that is the most common allergy babies tend to have. But something I am eating is irritating her little tummy and we need to figure out what it is, if I'm going to continue breastfeeding, which I desperately want to do.

Well, at Natalie's 2 month appointment last week, we were thrilled beyond belief to find that she had beefed up to a comfortable 6 lbs, 6.5 oz! My little porky pig! Gotta love it!!! However, I reported to the doc that she was still having the same issues that led us to believe she had the milk protein allergy. So then the doc tells me I should additionally avoid soy, as many babies who have the milk-protein allergy tend to have a cross-reaction to soy. Which is tough because so many of the dairy substitutes I've discovered I can eat contain some form of soy. And THEN, if that doesn't seem to fix the problem, our next step would be eliminating gluten from my diet as well.

FML.

What's left for me to eat? Next she's going to tell me I have eliminate all fruits and vegetables, and then meat... so I might as well just drink lots of water and hope for the best. OK, so I'm being sarcastic... but still, it's very frustrating. As if we haven't had enough issues getting this kid to come around, and now this?!

I love my daughter more than life itself, and I want to give her what's best for her... especially given how hard her first 5 weeks of life were, but I know that I'm gonna have to draw the line somewhere if we don't get some answers quick. What sucks is that any lactation consultants, Le Leche representatives, and other breastfeeding fanatics will make you feel like you are committing a cardinal sin if you decide to stop breastfeeding your kids. Makes me feel kinda bad for those women who physically CANNOT do it, because it's really hard, if not impossible, for some people to do it. And the experts say that the initial breastmilk (called colostrum) is the absolute most important, so even if that's all that babies get, it's at least something. But there is this horrible feeling of guilt that overwhelms me whenever I think about stopping. Like I'm doing wrong by Natalie if I don't give her mother's milk. So far, she's gotten ten weeks of my milk, and even that is more than some babies are able to get. So if I stopped, at least I could say she was breastfed for some time. But this is not coming easy, to either of us. The diet issues aside, it's not as if she is latching and drinking normally... if she were, I think this might be a much easier process. But because I can't tell how much she's getting when she DOES latch on, we have to follow up her nursing attempts with a bottle regardless... and then I have to pump so we have enough milk for her next bottle. So, ultimately, me stopping breastfeeding might be the healthiest option for ALL of us. I could go back to eating like a normal person and not have to worry about eliminating anything else from my diet. And it will allow Dave to have more of a hand in the feedings without me having to be there to provide the milk. And it will allow me to get more sleep, instead of going through all the motions we are currently going through. That takes a lot of time, and it's not a lot of fun at 3:30 am, lemme tell ya.

Unfortunately, however, should we choose to put her on formula entirely (she already gets a little bit with her breastmilk for increased caloric value) we have to give her a special hypoallergenic formula that is not milk-based, called Nutramigen. This stuff smells HORRENDOUS, and I'd imagine it probably doesn't taste much better. When our first can of formula ran out, we tried to switch it up and give her some Alimentum, which is the competitors' version of the same thing. And she made it clear that wasn't gonna fly. She took a few sips of it, and scrunched her little face into this twisted frown and let out a shriek that I don't ever want to hear again. So, back to the Nutramigen we went. And OF COURSE these hypoallergenic formulas are a lot more expensive than your garden variety milk-based infant formula. I am hoping to talk to our pediatrician and the GI doc about getting some samples from their formula reps... but otherwise, it's going to become a huge financial burden. Which is part of the reason I'm still trying so hard to give her breastmilk - that's free! But obviously it's coming with a price if it's going to require me constantly adjusting my diet and stressing over her gastric health... so... who knows what'll end up happening.

So, it's a lot to think about, for sure. And for now, I'm going to continue business as usual (still nursing her, but keeping gluten in my diet for the moment) until we have our appointments with the gastroenterologist to see if they can shed any further light on the situation. Til then, eat some cheese for me.

Time waits for nobody

2010-02-22T23:16:00.006-05:00

Damn, I am a sucky blogger.

I haven't blogged in six weeks. My bad. Granted, having a newborn at home keeps you a lil busy, but still. I suck.

Way too much has happened since my last blog entry for me to try to update with specifics. But basically, the only thing that really is important to know... is that our beautiful angel baby girl came home on February 5th, 2010. She was discharged from the hospital weighing in at 4 lbs, 6 oz, which, eerily enough is what her Mama weighed when she went home from the very same hospital 30 1/2 years ago!

Anyway, we've spent two and a half glorious weeks at home with her so far and, while definitely experiencing sleep deprivation firsthand, we are loving every second. She is amazing, and growing and changing every day. As of her last pediatrician appointment on 2-19-10, she was 5 lbs, 4 oz, and I'd venture a guess that she's put on a few oz even since then.

Tomorrow, chronologically, Natalie will be 8 weeks old. I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around that concept. It seems like yesterday when I was lying in that hospital bed, not knowing what the next hour would bring. And all of those countless trips down to see Natalie in the NICU... 38 days worth. Sometimes 2 or 3 times a day. The ups and downs we faced... the days that seemed like they would never end, and those when the sun set before I even realized I hadn't eaten breakfast.

I'm experiencing a new meaning of the word tired. And those Moms who say, "try to sleep when the baby sleeps" are smoking crack. There is a lot of life to be lived in the brief hours you have while your infant is soundly sleeping. There is laundry to be done. Thank you notes to be written. Breast pumps and bottles to be washed and sanitized. Food to be eaten (I'm good at forgetting that one). Showers to be taken. Houses to be cleaned. And so on, and so forth.

I am definitely getting *some* sleep, thanks to my lovely husband who lets me skip a feeding or two now and then and takes bottle duty. But in the end, all of the hard work, the struggle, and the exhaustion is worth it.

So I'm back, and I'm committing to keeping up with this blog a little better. I might even go back and type out the rest of Natalie's birth story... though to document all 38 days in the NICU would not only be boring and tedious, but most likely impossible, considering all of the days basically ran together in my brain anyway. But I'll at least attempt to get it all down and recorded so someday I can tell Natalie her tale. :)

The best Christmas present EVER

2010-01-05T06:55:00.007-05:00

...was my daughter, Natalie Diana Rolston.

Wow. My daughter. That seems so strange to say. But it's real now. SHE'S real. I can say it and mean it! WOW!!!!

Ok, so here goes the *very* long story... this is more for documentation for me though I hope those reading this don't hate me for being so wordy...

So, picking up where I left off on Christmas Eve. My spirits began to rise the next day, as it was Christmas and I literally had a blizzard of visitors and presents and love surrounding me all day. I'm surprised the nurses didn't say something; at one point I think we my have had 10+ people by my bedside. But... it was theraputic and wonderful to have everyone. AND Dave was allowed to bring Sammy down to the lobby to see me for a quick 10 minute visit, and that helped calm my nerves just to hug my pup again. I was fearful that I might not see him again for weeks but at least I got to say I love you to him and wrap my arms around that big scruffy neck. So, I got lots of nice gifts, and had some great visits with my family, the Rolstons, friends, etc... went to bed that night feeling a little more rested and settled.

On Saturday the 26th, things were much more quiet. I still had a slew of visitors but I seemed to be settling into hospital bedrest life. I was still getting regular blood pressure readings, and they would hook me up to the fetal non-stress monitor multiple times a day. The baby did not seem to want to cooperate and give them the movement they needed, so hours would go by with me hooked up to that thing. I will never forget the clip-clop sound of her heartbeat; while comforting, it was also annoying to have to constantly be connected to that damn thing. After an uneventful 26th, everything started to change on Sunday. I woke up, feeling normal. Had breakfast, enjoyed my morning coffee with Andrew (he would bring me Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts coffee every morning and sit and visit with me, it was awesome!) and got an amazing surprise - my lovely friend Andrea from Boston came to visit me! So as the afternoon progressed, was lying in bed watching the Eagles-Broncos game, and I started to get this headache... at first it was dull, but it began to progress. Now, when you have pre-eclampsia, they constantly ask you whether or not you have a headache, blurred vision, or spots in front of your eyes, as these are all major indicators that your blood pressure is high. And this was the first time I'd experienced any of these things. So around 5:30 I alerted the nurse that this headache had set in. But it crept up on me very quickly, and by 7:30, the pain had progressed from a "3 out of 10" to a "7 out of 10." So, I was starting to get very concerned. I couldn't eat or drink anything. I could barely think beyond the headache. They took me into the fetal non-stress room and hooked me up to the monitor, and gave me a cold washcloth for my forehead. But the pain wasn't going away. I asked again if I could take something for it, and they said they had to check with the doctor. Grrrr. It continued to escalate. By 8:30 I was in excruciating pain, but was finally given some percocet. At this point, my blood pressure was dangerously high, so they wheeled me, bed and all, into a labor and delivery room, where they could monitor me and the baby a little more privately and closely. Mom and Andrea came with me, but I couldn't even communicate, I was in so much pain. Andrea finally left; I felt so bad, she'd driven all the way from Long Island and I could barely visit with her! Mom stayed by my side all night, which, at the time concerned me because I was worried about her, but looking back, I'm really glad she was there. FINALLY, around 11 pm, the percs started to work and the headache began to diminish. They let me have some ice chips, but that was it. My appetite finally began to come back. But they had to take my blood pressure (which was still higher than they wanted it to be) every half hour, so sleep was near impossible.

Finally, early the next morning, they let me go back to my normal room. They'd given me some blood pressure medication to get it under control, and the headache was finally gone. There was a resonate dull ache in the back of my mind but I believe it was more fatigue than anything.

So, the 28th was another very quiet day. I warded off most visitors, but Andrea and Dave spent the better part of the day with me. Jen Woodruff popped in at night for a quick hello, but otherwise, I really laid low. At around midnight, the nurses came in and took my blood pressure, and it was actually the lowest it had been in four days, I was thrilled! I even texted Dave to tell him, and he was relieved.

And that's when the fun started.

3 am, the nurse comes in and gently wakes me to take my BP. It was around 190/110. Dangerously high. She immediately went to get the doctor. She comes back a few minutes later and informs me that "this baby is coming tonight." Tonight? What? But I was sleeping! And my pressure was fine three hours ago! C'mon! I began to tremble and tear up. I told them they couldn't touch me until my husband got there. So I immediately called him, praying that the phone would wake him up. He picked up, and I told him to get changed, and get down to the hospital - his daughter was going to be born. They wheeled me back to another labor and delivery room and started prepping me for the whole process. Dave got there at about 4 am, and they were still giving me information about the procedure and waiting on the anesthesiologist. They took a blood sample to see what my platelet count was like; if it was OK, I could get spinal anesthesia and Dave could be present for the birth. If they were low, I was going to have to get general anesthesia and be put under. Fortunately, my numbers were "good," (whatever that means) and THANK GOD the general anesthesia didn't have to happen. I don't do very well with anesthesia... and I really wanted Dave to be able to witness the birth of his daughter, and be there with me. We made phone calls to the McCords and Rolstons respectively, to let them know that this was happening, and make sure they were ready to come down once everything and everyone had stabilized... and then a gaggle of doctors and nurses flooded my room, asking me to sign papers, taking my thumbprints, and throwing all sorts of information at us that I can't imagine they expected us to absorb at that particular moment.

So at 5:45 AM, the the anesthesiologist arrives, shoots up my spine with the liquid magic, and the whole process began. As soon as I was numb enough from the waist down, the curtain went up, the lights went on, and the surgery began. Dave and the anesthesiologist were by my head the entire time, and we chatted it up the entire time. I had to keep talking, because, though I couldn't feel any pain down there, I could most certainly FEEL something, and I felt like I might throw up on everyone around me if I stopped talking long enough to really think about what was going on. I felt some tugging, pressure, and slight discomfort, but more from fear and uneasiness... I definitely was not in any pain, thankfully! Way to go Dr. Anesthesiologist! We talked about Boston, and about Bon Jovi (I think) and the anesthesiologist (whose name unfortunately escapes me now but he was the loveliest man!) told me about how both of his daughters were born premature, and are now consequently kicking ass and taking names, and kept stroking my face and encouraging me. Dave kept telling me how proud he was of me and what a great job I was doing, and how excited he was to meet Natalie. These were great distractions, and really kept me from thinking too much about what was currently happening a few feet further south.

And that's when we heard it.

A brief but piercing cry, as our baby girl was lifted out into the world at 6:08 AM, to let us all know she was here and her lungs worked on their own!!! Dave and I both began to cry, and the doctors and nurses began congratulating us. A few seconds later, they literally gave Dave 30 seconds to stand up and peek over the curtain and see his spawn - and I commend him for taking some really great pictures in the few seconds they gave him! - and then they cleaned her up and whisked her away to the NICU (neo-natal intensive care unit) to warm her up and check her out futher. I never got to see her... which bothered me slightly at the time but between the drugs and the confusion and fear I was feeling, I didn't vocalize anything... just laid there with a sense of relief knowing that she came out and voiced her opinion to the world, and that was step 1 of knowing that she was OK. No sooner had they gotten her out of the room then they began to sew me up and prepare me to head up to the ICU to recover.

Since I'm realizing now that this blog post could go on for quite some time, and could potentially be published into a novel of it's own, I will write part 2 of this story in a forthcoming update... but for now, suffice to say, my beautiful angel of a daughter is here, and we couldn't be prouder.

Pros and Cons of hospital life

2009-12-27T07:14:00.009-05:00

Having never been hospitalized before (at least not that I can remember), my only perception of it is either what I've experienced from visiting others, or what I've absorbed from highly overbudgeted prime-time television. But regardless, I've never had a pretty picture of it in my mind, and I'm experiencing firsthand that living in a hospital sucks.

Everyone keeps saying to me, "well you're in good hands, you're where you belong..." and trust me, peeps, I get that. But it doesn't make it any easier to swallow or digest that you are BEDRIDDEN and under constant supervision when you FEEL FINE. It's very very very hard, and for those who know me well, you know that I am an on-the-go kinda girl. Who doesn't like to be told what to do. And here in the hospital, I am constantly being told what to do and not allowed to be on the go whatsoever. So, I'm doing my absolute best to deal.

Having said that, I've been trying to make a list of pros and cons of this hospital stay... and naturally, the list of cons FAR outweighs the pros... but I thought I'd identify some of the "good," and the "bad" things about this hospital stay.

Pros:

feeling so loved and supported, to the point of being humbled... I am not someone who likes to be waited on or taken care of, and all I can do is lay in this bed and be at the mercy of those who love me and want to do everything in their power to make me feel better and more comfortable. I have heard from both my nearest and dearest, and friends from long long ago who are reaching out to give their support, and it feels amazing. I feel so loved and appreciated and it's making the mental element of this ordeal a lot easier to digest.
Not having to go to work for a LONG time
My hairdryer - I am allowed one shower a day, and depending on which nurse is on at the time, they even let me get out of bed and sit in the chair across the room for 5-10 minutes to dry my nappy hair after I get out. It's the only thing that helps me feel a little more human and ready to face any visitors that may come... and it's really the only thing I have to look forward to each day.

Ok, so I guess that's it for the pros.

Cons:

Anti-embolism compression stockings - these fucking things... SKIN TIGHT thigh-high stockings that I have to wear AT ALL TIMES... they are designed to prevent swelling and prevent an embolism. they are making my legs itch, sweat, and cutting off circulation at times when they slip out of place. They are HORRIBLE. Certain nurses who've proven friendlier or warmer than others have given me temporary reprieves from wearing them, but for the most part, they are ordered to be on me at all times (other than when I'm in the shower) and they are the absolute, 100% worst part of being here.
Missing my dog, my house, my shower, my toilet, my STUFF - luckily, the human beings in my life can come to me and bring some of the comforts of home, but it's just not the same. Though I was lucky enough to get a special Christmas day visit from my fluffy son, I miss him so terribly, I can't even put it into words. I lay here in this hospital bed craning my neck over my right shoulder (as I'm being given strict orders to rest on my left side, and the tv is behind me) I think about how nice it would be to be snuggled in on my overstuffed couch with pillows cushioning me on all sides, and actually have access to REAL television, and not the major networks and the frickin' Newborn channel.
Hospital food - Ugh. All I can say. And truthfully, honestly, it's not THAT bad. But it's just eating your meals off a tray, from your bed, in a semi-upright position, in a hospital, that sucks. Luckily for me, I don't seem to be on any sort of restricted diet, so Mom and Dave both brought me plates from their various Christmas dinners attended. So, that's made things a little better. But still, it's depressing to know you won't sit at a table and enjoy a real meal with other civilized people for a very long time.
Stale air - hospital air is dry and still. And THANK GOD the window in my room cracks open a few inches so I can at least get some air flow in (considering these Godforsaken stockings have me sweating bullets at night). I'm not allowed to go outdoors, and I'm not sure how I am going to breathe in and out this stale dry hospital air for the next 30+ days without any exposure to the outdoors. I guess I need to start trying to bribe nurses for some privileges. I can't help but equate this to being in my own personal prison... I know there's no comparison, but it feels that way.
Crying babies - I know, I know... I'm in a maternity ward. And women are having babies on a daily basis. But I'm not, yet. And it's really hard to listen to the little babies as they get wheeled in to their Moms for feedings, and know how unknown and unsure my situation really still is... it's very sad. Especially because there will be no wheeling Natalie Diana in to me, she will be all wired and connected in the NICU and I will be staring at her through a thick pane of glass until she is big and strong enough to actually be held by me.
Lack of sleep - between the thrice-nightly wake up calls for blood pressure readings, Non-Stress Tests, and blood work, it's impossible to get a solid night's sleep. And let's not even discuss the terribly uncomfortable, unbreathable bed to which I'm confined. And during the day, I can't get any rest because I typically have a constant stream of visitors. Which, I'm certainly not complaining about... but it makes it hard to catch some shuteye. I am thinking that the flow of visitors will begin to slow down now that people will start returning to work and have gotten their initial visit out of the way, which again, I appreciate so much... but it's hard when I start to get tired and I have people overlapping one another in and out the door from dawn to dusk. And then of course, once Dave or the last evening visitor has left and it's finally time to sleep... well, I have no interest in sleeping then and I am craving attention. Go figure
People trying to commiserate - let's face it... unless you've been hospitalized for any length of time, you cannot possibly know how awful this experience is. Yes, it's easy to say, "oh well you're in the best place for you and your little girl, "and "it's a good thing they caught it when they did, " as if I don't know these things, but again, it doesn't suddenly make being confined to a hospital bed all the more appealing. I realize that every day I am in here, and still pregnant, is a good day for both me and the baby, and the longer she stays in me, the less time she'll have to spend in the NICU once she's born... but still... it just sucks. I want to get my daughter here in the best health and condition possible, but it doesn't mean that I can EVER be happy about my current situation.

So, as you can see, the bad far outweighs the good. I could keep going with the cons, unfortunately, all day, but this blog post would get annoyingly long, and repetitive. The truth of the matter is, I'm unhappy. I'm trying to stay positive, but my back and legs are getting sore from lying still all day long, and my blood pressure readings don't seem to be really improving, so I'm getting frustrated in not knowing what's next and waiting for each next reading. The hope of being released anytime soon for home bedrest has all but flown out the window, so now I just have to keep praying that another nurse will take pity on me and let me take off these stockings to let my legs breathe for ten minutes.

Christmas Eve - 30 weeks - and my worst nightmare come true

2009-12-24T23:46:00.003-05:00

So, a follow up to my previous post. The swollen ankles. At the time, seemed bad, but were easily explained by the day's events.

Well, apparently not so much.

I went to work on Tuesday, and was admittedly very agitated and stressed. Got some news about some bonuses being issued to very undeserving managers and that there was "no bonus structure in place for someone in my role," so I was heated about that. Plus I arrived down at one of our Chester properties and the manager was sick as a dog with a sinus infection and had only JUST started her Z-pack a few hours prior. Great. Thanks.

I took my very comfy slip on clogs off to wiggle my toes, get the blood flowing, and once again noticed excessive swelling. I knew this wasn't normal, or right. So I called the doctor, just to see what they said. I had my regular 30 week appointment scheduled for the following Monday, but just in case they felt like it was worthy of me being checked out, I called. And they brought me in at 4:30. They took a urine sample, and weighed me. I had put on ELEVEN POUNDS in the two weeks since my previous appointment, which, is not normal pregnancy weight gain, especially in someone who is clinically overweight like myself. The doctor explained that the fluid retention was the cause of the edema (swelling) and the extremely high levels of protein in my urine were all major pointers to pre-eclampsia... a syndrome that my mother had when she had me, and that is somewhat common in many first-time pregnancies, especially when the patient has a family history of it. For those reading who are unfamiliar, here is more information: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pre-eclampsia

Anyway - the doctor prescribed I do a 24 hour urine collection test, which was a real picnic, lemme tell ya... and I had to bring the specimen to Phoenixville Hospital at 8 am on Thursday morning for analysis. Little did I know, the analysis consisted of several hours of waiting, blood draws, Non-Stress Tests, and tears.

My blood pressure at the impromptu appointment the other day was higher than normal but not a concern to the doc at the time (which is a miracle considering how pissed and flustered I'd been at work that day), but today when they took it, it had jumped CONSIDERABLY. To the point where they were talking about transporting us to CHOP due to the severity of my situation. But they wanted to wait until a few more lab results came back from the blood work before they formulated a plan.

So around 11 am, Dr. Cantarella (who happened to be on call here all day, Thank GOD) came in to my room and informed me that, not only would I not be going to Boston next week for our little "babymoon," but I wouldn't even be leaving the hospital, and I was to go on immediate strict bedrest, and be under constant supervision. She also started spewing out really scary phrases like, "pre-term delivery," and "30 weeks is a little early, ideally we'd like to be at 32 or 33." Um, ok... so how do we do that?

We keep Lindy confined to a crappy hospital bed on Christmas Eve indefinitely, and just take her blood pressure and urine samples every five seconds until we decide the baby has to come out.

Scary thing about that... the baby's lungs are nowhere near fully developed. After all, I do have 10 weeks to go... 7 of which are critical until i'm considered full term. But with preeclampsia, it's terribly dangerous for the mother-to-be to go to term, so typically they induce as soon as they feel the symptoms can no longer be controlled. My doctor doesn't choose to treat with medicine, only bedrest. And very depressingly... the bedrest HAS to be hospital monitored. I can't even go home and rest there... I have to be here. I only wish I'd known as I walked out the door this morning with only the clothes on my back and my purse that it would be the last time I'd be seeing my house for many weeks, if not months... *gulp* I certainly would have given Sammy a much bigger hug and kiss and grabbed a few of my personal and comforting effects. Luckily, Dave is a gem and ran around the house like a maniac bringing me the things I need (hence, why I am blogging about this now, from my beautiful laptop) but still... it would have nice to have been able to prepare myself a little bit for this trauma I am now going through.

So, I lie here, on Christmas Eve... staring up at the lonely mini tree my parents lovingly brought for me to try to dress up my room and half listening to 'A Christmas Story' on TV. Next to that tree is a beautiful picture of my little fluffy boy sitting with Santa Paws... and I am doing everything in my human power not to break down and cry every few minutes. I do realize that I have to do EVERYTHING in my power to keep calm and collected so as to keep my pressures down and not jeopardize Natalie, but... it's really hard. It's so lonely. I want to be at home on my couch, watching Elf snuggled under too many blankets, with Dave asleep at my feet and Sam asleep on the floor an arm's length away. Instead, I'm here. And I'm sad. And hoping this doesn't spiral into a much deeper depression as my head is haunted with all of the thoughts of what may come and the dangers we may face, with not only my health, but my poor baby who may be premature... ugh. I just can't do it. But I have nothing else to think about, and sleep is just not happening. That's a guarantee.

As Mr. Garrison would say, Merry Fucking Christmas.

Home for the Holidays my ass.

These are a few of my favorite things...

2009-12-20T22:14:00.003-05:00

Starting at about 8 am this past Saturday, the snow began to fall. And didn't stop until sometime in the early morning hours on Sunday. We got a total accumulation of about 10 inches, though there are parts of the area that were pushing 16-18! Needless to say, I stopped at Target on Friday night, picked up the necessities for a snow-in, and hunkered down with Dave and Sammy to weather the storm.

Friday night I was slightly upset; I finally changed out of my work clothes, took off my shoes and socks, and found my ankles and feet to be so swollen... well, more swollen than I'd ever seen them. Now, I am well aware that swelling is one of the lovely things that goes along with pregnancy, however, this was disturbing. I'd rolled ankles in soccer games that didn't swell this severely. I also know that severe swelling can also indicate preeclampsia, and although I have no reason to worry about that now, it's still a concern, considering my mom had it with me!

But, the truth of the matter is that I think I just really pushed myself to hard this past week; I was running all over God's creation for work, culminating in being in charge of shopping for, and setting up for our region's holiday luncheon on Friday. I was on my feet for the better part of the day, and I think this was my body's way of telling me to chill the eff out. So, that's exactly what I did for the past two days. I sat around, watched multiple episodes of TV shows I'd missed in the past few months, watched a few movies, and ATE. Boy did I eat. I took Sam out to play in the snow. I took naps. It was really quite lovely. I can't think of anyone I would have rather been snowed in with for two days than Dave and Sam (except maybe Natalie!), and I am thankful for the weather because it forced me to just chill out and not be on the go, like I so often am. I have 3 more full days of work and then ELEVEN days off... I cannot even begin to explain how amazingly awesome that is going to be. Once I'm back at work on the 4th, I feel like time is going to FLY!!! I won't lie, as excited as I am for Christmas and New Years just being around the corner, I am NOT looking forward to the marathon which is Christmas day... it would be really nice to be able to just hang here at the house, but alas... that isn't going to happen. We will be up and moving early, and finally come home and collapse at about 8 pm. At least this year Christmas is on a Friday so we have the entire weekend to chill afterwards... that'll be nice! But so help me God, next year, the rules of the game will change. More on that later :)

So what's new in baby world, you ask?

Well, I'm starting to get big, and moving at a much slower pace than before. As of today (Sunday), I am 29 weeks, 3 days. Kind of hard to believe that this little girl will be here in approximately 10 weeks. I am still feeling well, more or less... though sleeping has become an unpleasantly difficult task. I tend to sleep best when I'm on the couch, amazingly enough. But I am getting up to go to the bathroom 2-4x a night now... and waking up practically every hour just to reposition myself and get comfortable. I'm afraid that's only going to get worse as time goes on... so I've taken to just letting myself sleep on the couch when I fall asleep there... at least I tend to sleep a little better! Which is ridiculous because our bed is extremely comfortable.

Anyway - things are going well. In the home stretch now... and getting very excited to meet this little girl. Though I have a lot of fears (which I'll save for another post) looming over me, I think the anticipation of finally holding my baby in my arms is starting to overpower everything else.

My next doctor's appointment is Monday the 28th, and then I will start going every 2 weeks after that... until we're at 36 weeks, when they'll start seeing me every week! OMG!!!

A week full of exciting news!

2009-11-26T10:33:00.003-05:00

WOOHOO!!!! We're officially 26 weeks today... and that means there are only 98 days until Ms. Natalie Diana is here! That's kind of an amazing milestone, as far as I'm concerned.

In other news... I found out yesterday when being injected with the swine flu (vaccine), that I passed my glucose test for gestational diabetes... bring on the carbs, baby! Just in time for Thanksgiving, too!

Some more exciting news of this week is that I have the most amazingly awesome Dad in the world, who won the season ticket holder lottery for the Winter Classic, and my parents called on Tuesday night to tell me that they are giving Dave and me the tickets as a holiday present! I completely flipped out when they told me... I can't believe it's actually happening and I'm going to get to see the Flyers play at Fenway Park! It's a once in a lifetime game... and it will be our last getaway before Natalie gets here... so it's just awesome!

And finally - the most exciting news of the week is that yesterday afternoon, our good friends Ali and Kevin welcomed their daughter Kaitlyn Grace, to the world! Talk about having something to give thanks for this year!!! The funny thing is, Ali and I were at yoga together not 12 hours before Kaitlyn arrived... she wasn't actually due until December 8th, but I guess she was ready for the world two weeks early! So congrats to Ali and Kevin - we can't wait to meet your beautiful bundle of joy!

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!!! I'm off to gorge myself on turkey and parsnips :)

Ultrasound, round 2

2009-11-21T09:51:00.008-05:00

On Monday, Nov 16th, Dave and I were lucky enough to get to see our little girl in utero yet again.

This time, she decided to be a good baby, and was in the right position to get us not only some great photos, but to allow the doctor to get the measurements he had needed before. As of that date, she was weighing in at 1 lb, 12 oz and the doctor speculated that she probably is about 10-11 inches long now. But he referred to her as seeming "happy and healthy," which was A-OK by me. Here are some of the many pix they gave us; please excuse the crooked scan job.

Needless to say it was a great way to kick off the week... my next OB appointment is in our 28th week (!!!!!!), but I have to take my gestational diabetes glucose test this coming Monday, which to be honest, I am not all that excited about. #1, I've heard the nasty orange liquid is absolutely disgusting to drink and that you have to do what you can to pound it, and #2, because of the PCOS with which I was diagnosed last spring, I am at a much higher risk for GD. But, think good thoughts... if I fail the 1-hour glucose test, I have to go back to schedule a 3 hour test as a follow up. That one is more telling; if I don't pass that, then they can basically assume I have GD and I will be put on a very strict diet, and possibly even have to take insulin :(

But, again, must think good thoughts until we have something to really worry about!

24 weeks, 3 days

2009-11-15T12:35:00.005-05:00

Wow. Hard to believe that Natalie Diana Rolston will be here, in my arms, in only 16 short weeks.

Seems so far, but yet... not really!!! 16 weeks ago, we were getting ready to head to OCNJ for a brief but necessary getaway, and dreaming about the baby and all of the exciting adventures we'd have in the coming weeks/months.

I went to the doctor on Monday, and met with a different one in the practice - Dr. Alan Silverberg. He was super nice and I would totally go back to see him again. As of Monday I'd only put on 9.5 lbs, and amazingly my blood pressure is totally normal (given everything I've been going through with work, though that's for another post entirely...). Baby's heartbeat is still going strong at 150 bpm, and my belly is growing at just the pace it should be.

Oh, and she has decided to start kicking. A lot. I haven't really been able to figure out if she is on a schedule or not yet, though I do know she mostly comes to life at night. And especially when I eat. But it's so awesome to feel her little kicks and taps and whatever else she might be doing in there... she is definitely on the move a lot! Dave can't really feel her yet, but I have no doubt he will be able to soon.

In other news, we have decided to go forward with the basement renovation project. We are not doing it ourselves, but hiring a friend of a friend who is trying to kick-start his contracting business. I am SO excited to be able to utilize the space down there instead of dreading descending those rickety old stairs in fear of what eight-legged creatures I might encounter (though Dave swears there are none to speak of...)

But as soon as the basement is finished, which is actually looking like it might be mid-December (!!!!) we are going to begin preparing Natalie's nursery!!! We are still leaning towards having a Tigger mural painted, though I'm starting to think I might want to paint the walls a fun color first. I would go with purple, but our bedroom is already a shade of lavender-periwinkle, so I think we'll stay away from it. Maybe. We're venturing to Home Depot next week to get paint chips for our various projects (bathroom, basement, nursery) so I will collect a bunch and decide.

I am also going to drag Dave to Babies R Us register the weekend after Thanksgiving... I've been informed that there will be a shower thrown in my honor after the holidays, so I figure I might as well get on the ball! Plus, it's probably time to start realizing this little girl is coming and we're gonna need to prepare for her!!!!

So tomorrow is part 2 of our ultrasound - since little miss Rolston wasn't cooperating the first time around... we get to go back for a second try. Hopefully this time she will behave! Either way, it will be so good to get to see her again. It may actually be our last chance until she is here, live in person, with us... which is a really crazy thought!!!!!

Totally bummed...

2009-10-28T11:27:00.005-04:00

My good friend down in Maryland has just informed me that because she is under the weather, she feels it best that we cancel our 7th annual Pumpkin Carving Weekend festivities. I feel badly for her, because being sick totally sucks, and God knows I don't want to catch anything nasty being pregnant and all... but I am absolutely heartbroken.

I look forward to our pumpkin carving adventures for MONTHS. I'd even go out on a limb and say it's my favorite weekend of the entire year. I start planning for it in the summer, when pumpkins haven't even begun to grow in the patches yet! I think I even made them mark this date on their calendar back in the winter! It's just such a fun and special time for me... a weekend spent with some of my dearest friends who are practically like second parents to me. We always go to the farm, take the cheesy hayride out to the patch, and spend way more time than needed selecting the perfect orange subject for our carving mastery. Then we go back to their house, feast on hearty, comforting fall foods, make delicious apple pies and other delectable desserts for late night snacking, and then we carve into the wee hours of the night. Suzi and I always end up staying up until we can barely see straight we're so tired, and we set up the four pumpkins and take a zillion pictures until we get one that captures the four of them just right. This year was going to be extra special because we were going to carve our pumpkins the night before Halloween, and then have them all aglow for the kids when they came around trick-or-treating on Saturday. But alas, we will not be going down to Belcamp this year.

And I think part of the reason this is making me so upset is because I was looking forward to this last year of our tradition being the way it is. This is our last year for it to be just us, and we will have to learn how to make life work as a family of 3 in a few short months. I am a sucker for tradition as it is; and I have very few that are THAT important to me. Every other year we go up to Albany NY for Thanksgiving with my side of the family, and that is a major one for me. And Christmas morning is always spent at my parents, feasting on a big breakfast my Dad has prepared for us. And of course we always do the Race for the Cure on Mother's Day in honor of my Mom. And then there's Pumpkin Weekend in Maryland.

Next October, we will have an 8 month old baby girl on our hands, and I'm guessing that life as we know it will be non-existent. Doesn't mean we won't be able to still participate in our favorite activities, and of course we will be able to uphold these traditions that are so important to us, but... well, this one was extra special to me. And I feel like maybe it's over now. Like a good friend said to me this morning, "perhaps it's time that Dave and I practice starting new traditions," and while she's absolutely right, I'm not quite sure I was ready for that. I was SO looking forward to this weekend, and spending time with these friends and carving my pumpkin together with them. And although I know Dave and I will still have fun on Friday at Varner's Farm here in Collegeville, and we will certainly make the best of our amended pumpkin activities... I'm still really sad that it's not going to be the way it was.

But I suppose I should get used to life not being the way it was.

My Little Banana...

2009-10-22T09:15:00.005-04:00

How far along? 21 weeks today!

Total weight gain/loss: up 6 lbs as of my last doctor's appt. on the 12th of October

Maternity clothes? wearing maternity pants almost every day, haven't made the switch to shirts yet

Sleep: sleeping MUCH better but when I do wake up in the middle of the night, I sometimes have trouble getting back to sleep

Best moment this week: our ultrasound this past Monday, and feeling her kick at night!

Food cravings: nothing specific these days... trying to eat healthier, actually!

Gender: it's a GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Labor Signs: Haha, not yet, thank goodness...

Belly Button in or out? In, but seemingly more shallow than before

What I miss: wine and sushi

What I am looking forward to: our next ultrasound on Nov. 16th

Weekly Wisdom: I am being told on a daily basis to get the flu shot!

Milestones: hitting the halfway point at 20 weeks :)

Dear Baby...

2009-10-18T09:42:00.004-04:00

My darling Tyler or Natalie,
This is the first of many letters I plan to write to you; while you are inside my tummy, and then once you are here with us in the world.
Today is the last day that I will have to refer to you as "it." Tomorrow morning, providing that you cooperate, Daddy and I will know you in a whole new way, and begin bonding with you on a new level. I don't think I've been this excited since the night before I married your Daddy! I am writing to ask you to please be a good little baby tomorrow morning and show us what we want to see! With parents like us, you are bound to be a stubborn little monkey, so I figured, let's nip this in the bud ahead of time. But, I need you to know how much Daddy and I are absolutely in love with you, and no matter what parts you reveal to us tomorrow, we can't wait to find out... even if you decide not to show us! I hope you've been hearing Daddy talk to you every night and every morning - he is SO excited to be your Daddy!!!
We are going to give you the most amazing life that we possibly can... you will be born into a wonderful, supportive family filled with love, and you will have the most incredible Grandparents you could ever ask for. Both your Nanas are going bonkers over you in their own ways... and I can't even imagine what it's going to be like once you are actually here. Granddad Pete and I are going to start teaching you how to play soccer (or football, as your Granddad might teach you to call it) as soon as you can walk, and Daddy can't wait to share all of his knowledge and skills with you too!
Daddy and I have agreed that we won't make it a habit of always calling you by your name, until you're actually here... but it sure will be fun to be able to pick out cute Flyers outfits, or purple dresses for you! (yes, baby, you hear that? If you are a girl, Mommy is joining Team Purple, NOT Team Pink!)
Anyway, I just wanted to make sure that you that we love you, and I can't wait to hold you in my arms and give you kisses and snuggles, and introduce you to your big brother Sammy! He is going to adore you too!
With all my love,
Mommy

Whoaaaaaah, we're half way there...

2009-10-13T11:58:00.009-04:00

Man, who'd have ever thought I could actually use a BON JOVI lyric in my blog post title?! SWEET!

And much to my true surprise, I have come to find out that (multiple!) people are actually reading this blog! And requesting that I keep it updated! So to my faithful followers (all 4 of you, haha), let me bring you up to speed:

We are officially (well, OK, on Thursday) HALF WAY to Baby Rolston's arrival!!!!

It's kind of hard to believe we're in our 20th week... time has flown! And I'm sure it'll go even faster after next Monday when we find out just what kind of baby we're gonna have! I am SO excited... at first I really thought I wanted to try to keep it a surprise... but now that I've committed to finding out, I am obsessing! I have polled several friends, and it seems to be pretty evenly split down the middle in terms of people's predictions of boy or girl. I truly have no idea. For the longest time, I was convinced it was a boy... but now for some reason lately I've been leaning towards girl, and for no good reason. I wish the 19th would just hurry up and get here!!!

I had a doctor's appointment yesterday... I'm up about 5 pounds since pre-pregnancy, which the doctor seemed totally fine with. My blood pressure was OK, and the baby's heartbeat was strong... so all good stuff there. After the appointment, Mom and I went shopping and it was killing us not to indulge and buy lots of baby stuff... though it's probably better we didn't know the gender yesterday because we could have done some serious damage!

Dave is down in Florida at WEFTEC until tomorrow night, and I miss him a ton! I know 4 days really isn't all that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but especially now that it's so damn cold at night, I miss having him around to snuggle up to! Though I must say, Sam is doing a great job of filling his Daddy's shoes and cuddling with me on the couch at night!

Well that's about all for now... I'm sure if I don't post before, I will have a lot to say come next Monday! TTFN!

Sunrise

2009-09-21T06:41:00.004-04:00

It's been a long time since I've been up early enough to catch a proper sunrise. But today, at around 6:10 am, mother's intuition woke me, and I heard a strange sound coming from downstairs which saved me from my very bizarre dream... and I sat up only to find Sam walking into the room looking for me. I hurried downstairs to find the poor guy had gotten sick on the bottom two steps... he must have been coming up to get us, and couldn't quite make it. Awwww. It wasn't too bad of a mess; I was more worried about him! He kept trying to lick me and be comforted by my, and I felt badly but I wasn't interested in barfy kisses at that moment... In any case, I cleaned up his mess, and then let him go outside in case there was any residual sick that he had to get out. But he seemed OK. When he finally came in and I was ready to lie down on the couch for a few more minutes before rising to officially start my day, I realized I'd left the front storm door open. And this eerie peachy-pink light had begun to filter in the room. So I coaxed Sam to come out with me, and together we sat, on the front porch, watching the sun rise over the distant houses in our neighborhood. It was actually quite peaceful, and not something I've done in a very long time. I'm getting ready to kick off a very long, difficult week at work, and this was a good way to start that, even though I would have appreciated another hour's worth of sleep!

16 weeks

2009-09-16T10:23:00.003-04:00

...and everything is going really well! I think I even felt Baby Rolston moving around in there for the first time last night! We had a doctor's appointment on Monday, and turns out, I haven't gained an ounce. In fact, I'm down .5 lbs... so obviously my fears of overeating and packing on the pounds were for naught. I really had these terrible visions of getting on the scale and having my wrists slapped with a ruler. When my doc asked if I was eating OK, not throwing up or anything, I answered, "well I could be eating better, and by better I just mean healthier..." and she responded, well, you haven't gained a ton of weight so I'm not terribly concerned at this point! Yay! Business as usual, then! Bring on the mac and cheese, please! I'm still not showing at all, though a friend did tell me yesterday that she thinks my belly looks pregnant... so that's a great thing. At least my belly doesn't just look FAT to other people. :) Dr. C said that I probably won't really be visibly showing until around 20 weeks... so I still have a few weeks to go!

I started taking a prenatal yoga class with my friend Alison, and I'm beginning to like it. The first week was rough, mostly because I hadn't ever done proper yoga before (okay, maybe once or twice, over the last TEN years) and was struggling to make sure my balance was in check and I had the different postures correct. But this week I fell a little more into a rhythm and I think it will end up being really good for me. Even though I am fairly muscular, I am SO inflexible, and hopefully this will help with that. At the end of the class, we have about 5-10 minutes of what the instructor calls "relaxation time," and I laid down on my side and closed my eyes, and that was when I think I felt the baby flutter around in there. It was weird, felt like bubbles! But it made me happy. I'm sure I will start to feel more movement over the next month or so.

Dave and I had a pretty productive weekend; we managed to start the daunting task of shuffling stuff from room to room (to basement) so we can begin to visualize the nursery. We obviously still have several months until anything major needs to be done, but it's good to start now so we don't have an even bigger project on our hands when the time really comes to get it all together. I also managed to bag up 5 giant trashbags full to take to goodwill, and we put a ton of stuff out in the trash on Monday, so things are moving along. Now if only we could come up with the cash to get this basement finished... we also inherited a pretty sweet surround sound system from my parents and two of Dave's wonderful buddies came over and got it all hooked up for us. They did a great job... it sounds really good, and there is no evidence of any wires anywhere! Yay Ted and Keith! Unfortunately this morning when I turned on the TV, all I got was dead silence, but I'm hopeful that it's an easy fix and we'll be up and running again in no time. Dave and I joked that we are lucky his boys knew what they were doing; had it been left up to us to hook up the system we would we have had ridiculous amounts of cables and cords running all over the place and probably still no sound, but we would have wound speaker wire around one another's necks by the end of the process. I did feel kinda badly because Dave and I sat there watching Monday Night Football while the boys worked... but they seemed to enjoy it... so all it took was a few beers and burgers and they were happy!

By the way, my fantasy football team DOMINATED this week. GO LIMERICK NUKES!

So all in all, life is still pretty damn good. My next Dr's appointment isn't until October 12th, and then the next ultrasound (the "big" one!) is scheduled for the 19th, when Dave gets back from WEFTEC. I can't wait for that. It's just so comforting and reassuring to see the little one in there, kicking away... and it's unbelievable watching them grow and develop!

My favorite time of the year...

2009-09-04T09:50:00.008-04:00

September.is.awesome.

I love it. I always have. September to me means so many things. It means the promise of cool, crisp weather. It means the beginning of soccer season (which I sadly will not be able to physically participate in this year). It means the start of the Eagles season, which I know exhilarates Dave, and therefore, I am psyched by default. It means it's almost time to carve pumpkins, and for anyone reading this blog who knows me, you know that Pumpkin Weekend down in Maryland is my absolute favorite weekend of the year!!! I might need a little help lugging my pumpkin through the pumpkin patch this year, however!

It was this month that our four-legged son received his AKC Canine Good Citizen designation; after 6 weeks of training classes, he passed the test with flying colors! What this means is that, not only has Sammy proven to have good manners and behavior, but we can now begin even more rigorous training to eventually test him to be a therapy dog! We are so proud of him and feel so lucky to have such an awesome pet, and family member!

And finally, September this year also means that we've made it into the second trimester with this pregnancy, which is a huge milestone, and an even huger relief. I am feeling exceptionally well... sometimes I forget I am even with child, because I have so few symptoms at this point. I have been sleeping much better, and I attribute it to the cooler, less-humid air. I am not showing at all yet to the public eye, (though Dave and I can definitely tell there is a slight difference in my shape) and I still haven't had to don any maternity clothes, though I can definitely tell that my jeans are starting to get a little tighter around the waist... but all things considered, I feel great. Looking forward to my 16 week appointment next Monday, where I'll hopefully get to hear the baby's heartbeat again. :)

In any case, though I've had quite an enjoyable summer, I am thrilled that fall is just around the corner!!!

Survey time!

2009-08-29T10:20:00.005-04:00

How far along? 13 weeks and a few days
Total weight gain/loss: up 3 lbs
Maternity clothes? not yet, but I bought some for when I do need them...
Sleep: still waking up every night around 3 am, but able to get back to sleep with more ease
Best moment this week: getting to see the munchkin squirming around at our NT scan!
Movement: none yet, too early
Food cravings: I HAVE to have orange juice and cinnamon bread every morning... and I've been eating macaroni and cheese like it's going out of style!
Gender: I think it's a boy... no real reasoning behind it, I just do.
Labor Signs: Haha, not yet, thank goodness...
Belly Button in or out? In, but seemingly more shallow than before
What I miss: wine and sushi
What I am looking forward to: actually looking pregnant, and not just bloated and fat. :)
Weekly Wisdom: nothing to speak of...
Milestones: making it to the SECOND TRIMESTER!

NT Scan

2009-08-25T11:15:00.005-04:00

Here is the first official photo of Baby Rolston! It's not the best shot... Baby Rolston is proving to be a stubborn little bugger already (clearly takes after both parents in that regard...)! We had our NT scan today, and the little one wouldn't get into the proper position for the ultrasound tech to get the needed measurements! They poked and prodded at my abdomen to get the baby to reposition itself, which resulted in lots of flailing arms and legs (it was pretty damn cute, actually). The baby is measuring at about 3 inches, crown to rump, and we heard the heartbeat again, this time clocking in at 159 bpm, which we were told is still good. We measured ahead of where we thought we were, only by a few days, so I'm still sticking with March 4th as our due date, for now! I should hear in 3-5 days from the genetic counselor with the results of the scan (hopefully the measurements they got will give them an accurate reading!) and blood draw... and I go back again around 16 weeks to have more blood taken. Our next ultrasound should be around 20 weeks, when we will have the option to find out if we're having a boy or a girl!

"Isn't that the thing they use for the weather?"

2009-08-17T18:11:00.005-04:00

Today, I am 11 weeks and 4 days pregnant. And I had my second appointment at Valley Forge, OB/GYN. I met with a different doc in the practice, Dr. Cantarella, who consequently I loved and will definitely be seeing for the duration of my pregnancy if I can. After taking my blood pressure and weighing me (I've only gained two pounds in 3 months, woohoo!) they escorted us into the ultrasound room. Then, Dr. C came in and informed us that she would only perform an ultrasound if she was unable to hear the baby's heartbeat on the Doppler. That's right folks, it's "the thing they use for the weather." (Dave, you are so cute... I love you so much!!!) So Dr. C whipped out a small black device, put some warm clear jelly on my belly, and began the hunt for the little one's heartbeat. Immediately, I got falsely excited when I heard a slow and steady heartbeat... only to be told it was mine. She tried a few other places, and still heard nothing. She did inform me that it was still early enough that there was a chance she wouldn't be able to pick it up... and of course with each repositioning of the Doppler, my heart sunk further and further into my stomach. Just when she was about to give up and boot up the ultrasound machine, there it was! Beating away, fast and furious, like a little drum... I could hear my baby's heart. It was one of the most amazing sounds I have ever heard. I immediately started to get teary-eyed... this was the reassurance I had been waiting for! It's so easy to read sad stories about people who went in for their 8 week appointment, and everything was fine... only to go in at 12 and find out that the baby's heart had stopped... and so for the past several weeks I had myself unnecessarily worried. But, now we know, he/she is in there, cooking away! What sweet relief!!!

Our next appointment is next Tuesday, when I will have what's called a sequential scan. It's also known as an NT, or Nuchal Translucency scan. This is when they perform a battery of tests, including a comprehensive ultrasound to determine if the baby has any chromosomal abnormalities, like Down's Syndrome and a number of others. It's an elective but recommended test. Besides, they have pretty high tech equipment and it'll be pretty awesome to get a clear view of our baby at 12.5 weeks, especially since the last time we saw it was 7.5 and it still looked like a little tiny shrimp!

Anyway, keep thinking good thoughts for us, and Baby Rolston! More updates to come!!!

Dream a Little Dream

2009-08-03T08:45:00.013-04:00

I don't know if it's the additional progesterone I'm taking, or just the fact that my hormones are all outta whack since I am pregnant, but boy have I been having weird dreams! Sometimes they are very vivid and realistic, sometimes they are just totally ridiculous and obscure. But typically when I first wake up, I remember them clearly. Sometimes, I'm so "into" them, I don't even want to wake up! These dreams range anywhere from being about the baby, to Jon Bon Jovi, to reunions with my estranged college friends, to random escapades in places I would probably never be... but I generally feel entertained by them. They are very seldom "bad" dreams, which is a relief. But often times I find myself recapping the dreams later that day... they will pop back into my head after I'd already forgotten about them. It's just very strange. I never used to be much of a dreamer at night.

But rarely do I have a dreamless night. Also rarely do I have a night of uninterrupted sleep, which at this point is frustrating. I wake up every night, whether it's to toss and turn for a few minutes, go to the bathroom, or just look at the clock and try to fall back into a state of rest. It's very frustrating... but I suppose it's my body prepping me for what's to come when Baby Rolston finally does get here! Everyone tells me to get as much sleep as possible now because it'll be non-existant once the baby gets here... that's what I'm TRYING to do! Grrrr.

9 weeks, 1 day

2009-07-31T14:22:00.004-04:00

Hi. Here I am again. I lapsed because I took a break from blogging whilst at the shore with the fam. I got some MUCH needed R & R, got to spend some quality time with the folks, and got a little bit of a suntan, which was nice. I also managed to tear my way through Eclipse (the third installment of the Twilight series) which ended up being a pleasant experience. As I've discussed with a few friends... it's a series that I love to hate to love. It's really not that good... I mean hell... the series was designed for teenage girls... but I'm still enjoying them. I just bought the fourth book, Breaking Dawn, today at Target. So hopefully I can make a dent in that this weekend. And Dave once again gets to take advantage of his built-in DD for wedding #3 of the summer, which is tomorrow evening. Lucky him!

So, as for Baby McRolston (as a few have started calling him/her) is concerned, here is the update:

Baby's now the size of a green olive! Your little embryo has now officially graduated to fetus-hood. Adding to the excitement, a Doppler ultrasound device might be able to pick up the beating heart. With basic physical structures in place and increasingly distinct facial features, baby is kind of starting to look like...well...a baby!

Last Friday, we had our fourth ultrasound with Dr. Glassner @ Main Line Fertility. Baby was growing right on schedule, and my levels were apparently just where he wanted them to be. So, he gave us his blessing and sent us on our way! HOORAY! This was extremely exciting news. Though, I have to say, I was being pampered... having ultrasounds on a weekly basis and getting that constant reassurance that everything was moving along as it should have been. But alas, I will have to join the ranks of thousands and thousands of other pregnant women worldwide who have to just hurry up and wait several weeks for each appointment. So now, my journey begins with my regular OB/GYN. I actually had an appointment there on Monday the 20th, and I have to say, I did NOT care for the Doc with whom I had the appointment. The person I'd been seeing for the past several years at that practice is actually a Physician's Assistant, and I guess though she's been qualified to treat me before, she can't see me through the pregnancy all the way. Which is a total bummer... seeing as I've developed a relationship with her and like her a lot. And it never occured to me in years past to even ask if she would see me through any future pregnancies... I just assumed yes. But, I'm hoping that, over the next several visits I can see a few different docs and find one I like. It's recommended that you see several in your practice anyway because you never know who is going to be around/on call/available when you actually deliver. My next appointment is on Monday the 17th, and I see yet a different doc then, so hopefully I'll have better luck.

But the good news is, Baby Rolston is still in there cooking away, growing fast, and giving me several bouts of on-again-off-again nausea, but otherwise... all is well!!!

Back to Baby

2009-07-20T12:45:00.006-04:00

Soooo... ultrasound #3 was on Friday. Baby Rolston's heart is beating at about 130 BPM (which seemed to be OK by the ultrasound tech's expectations) and is measuring at about 8 mm! It was neat to compare the 3 ultrasound photos we've had taken so far, and see just how much it's growing... makes us really excited to see photos of this kid when I'm 3+ months along! It's so amazing! Additionally, Dr. Glassner told us that he's very pleased with the embryo's growth and that, if things continue to develop at the same rate, then we may not have to keep seeing him anymore! Hooray!!! Though I must say, it's been quite a comfort to know that every Friday we're getting updates on the health and progress of the baby... but my wallet (and my shitty insurance company) will appreciate the less frequent visits to Main Line Fertility! But, the good news is, once he doesn't need to see us anymore, it means we've passed the threshold of major risk for miscarriage, so that means (God willing!) smooth sailing after that.

But I still feel great, with the exception of a few bouts of nausea here and there. I am extraordinarily tired, though... and these late night soccer games are very soon going to be a thing of the past. I will probably play for 2-3 more weeks, which will take me to approximately 10 weeks, give or take a few days. And that will be it for me. Sad, but necessary for Baby Rolston's safety!

Dave's Mom has already shared with me that she's begun buying a multitude of things for her future grandchild. If my Mom has purchased anything, she hasn't shared that info. I personally have only bought two items so far... I won't allow myself to really shop for this kid until we are much further down the line.

I am starting to really itch to tell people. I find myself telling random strangers, in the store, at the bank, etc. I SO BADLY want to share our news with the world, but I'm still apprehensive and want to wait just a few more weeks. We're at approximately 8 now, so we think at about 10, we'll be ready to finally share. It's gonna be a long two weeks!

Both "Nanas" have told me that they are struggling to keep the news in. (yes that could indeed get confusing if they're both gonna be called Nana...) Especially Dave's Mom, who is the last of ALL of her friends to have grandchildren, and though she puts on a front acting as though it's not very important to her, cannot WAIT to brag to everyone that she finally has one on the way. I was shopping with my Mom on Friday night and she admitted that she's having a hard time containing the news too. Soon enough, everyone. Soon enough. I promise.

You think this isn't hard for me?!?!?!?!? I just want to scream it from the rooftops... I'M GONNA BE A MOMMY!

Sambora Harley Rolston

2009-07-18T10:12:00.021-04:00

Since this blog is primarily about Baby Rolston, I should write about the original Baby Rolston... my four-legged son Sammy. He is the absolute light of our lives. I've not yet come across one person who has met Sam and not fallen in love. Dave and I cannot believe how lucky we got with Sam's personality - he is so loving, so goofy, and such a good boy in general. Shortly after his litter was first born (on December 16, 2007), we were sent photos of them, two boys, four girls.

This was Sammy at four weeks:

We weren't really sure from looking at the pictures, which one we'd end up wanting.
But we knew we'd have to go down to MD to meet them in person, to make the ultimate decision. And because our dear friends Dave and Suzi only lived about 30 minutes from Mary and Sheilah (the breeders), we figured we could make a weekend trip and kill two birds with one stone.
So, at the end of January, we made the trek to pick out our future child. We were the first to go see the puppies so we were told we could have the pick of the litter. I was pretty dead set on a boy, but I was willing to keep an open mind and just see which of the dogs really stuck out to us.
When we finally got there, we were swarmed by six adorable little Berner pups scrambling around the yard. I remember the sheer excitement as I realized the possibilities! We were
introduced to each of them, but Dave and I immediately fell in love with the same one... the runt of the litter, who was originally named Teddy. He wasn't the most outgoing of the bunch, or the best looking per se, but we both instantly knew this would be our baby.

Leaving Maryland that day was the worst thing EVER. I did not want to leave that little puppy behind! But we knew that he wasn't quite ready to leave his Mama yet, and that we would come back and get him a month later when we got back from our little vacation that we had coming up. The breeders had graciously offered to keep him until our return, so at least we knew he'd be in the best of care until we were able to take him home with us in March.
But two weeks later, we had a free Sunday, and we decided that we wanted to go back down and visit our baby again. He was all we could think about that entire time! So down we drove, back to Maryland... and when we arrived, only Mary was there. And that day, she changed our lives forever. She strongly suggested that we take him home; that even though we had a vacation coming up in two weeks... we would miss so many cute puppy moments if we didn't... and she really wanted us to have that chance! She said that if we brought him back down before we went away, they would still keep him for us while we were on the cruise. All of his brothers and sisters had already gone to their forever homes, and he was ready to come to us. So... against our better judgement, and without any preparations made at home, we went home with our furbaby. He rode in my arms, crying at first and scrambling to get out, and then finally settled in and slept. It was so special. I could not believe we did it! I couldn't wait to watch him grow up into the amazingly wonderful dog he has now become.

Sam and Mommy

Sam's first experience with snow

cute little feet!

Daddy teaching Sam to lie down

Growing so fast!

Sam and his best friend, Kiwi the corgi

Classic!

Sammy Rolston

Discontinued...

2009-07-13T08:49:00.006-04:00

I have a really bad habit... of falling in love with products that end up being discontinued. And, it's happened more times than I'd like to count. For example, I had a favorite body wash/lotion scent from Bath and Body Works - Grapefruit Peppermint. Discontinued. I had a favorite soft drink - Schweppes raspberry ginger ale. Discontinued. (and then they did it to me again with the original Cherry 7Up!) . My favorite candle scent at Yankee Candle - discontinued. My favorite deodorant - discontinued. And so on, and so forth. And I could keep going! There are obviously alternative options, but it's never the same. And I want my products! Like take for example, the cranberry ginger ale that is still available. It's good... but, it's not the same. And now my poor dog is experiencing discontinuation of a favorite item... I used to get him these compressed pigshide bones at Giant (because pigshide is easier for them to digest than rawhide) - they are now discontinued. They have ten million other products that made the cut, but not the Piggy Bones. Poor Sam. I know, I know, he's just a dog, and doesn't know the difference, but I'm starting to take all of these cancelled products personally! What gives! Why can't they discontinue something that I DON'T use?! I'm not sure I can take any more!!!

We Have a Heartbeat!!!

2009-07-12T10:30:00.006-04:00

I had my second ultrasound on Friday morning... and Dave and I were able to see Baby Rolston's little heart flicker!!! It was the craziest thing; the baby is smaller than a grain of rice at the moment, but we could see the little heart beating away. It was very powerful. My baby has a heartbeat!!!! Just to see that, to know, that he or she is in there growing and thriving... it really made me feel great. And a little more confident about this whole thing. They didn't measure the heartrate yet, but hopefully at the next u/s they will give us some good news about that!
Which is good because I am about to enter what is going to be a hellish few weeks/months at work... and I need something too keep my mind off how bad it's going to be.

Cargo

2009-07-09T06:39:00.003-04:00

Hooray! A non-baby related post!

People know I love dogs. More than people, in some cases. And people know that I have been a willing dogsitter in the past. And most of the time, I'm happy to comply, knowing I can bank favors for when we need to leave our furbaby for a night or three. So we've had a bunch of dogs here at 22 Queen Lane. We've had a few hellish houseguests, and a few that caused no problem, but ultimately, Sam definitely likes having buddies around to play with.

This week it's Cargo. Cargo is my friends Jen and Ryan's 6 month old golden retriever puppy. Other than having a ton of energy, he is very sweet. He's been staying with us since Monday afternoon, and everything had been relatively uneventful until last night.

Dave and I decided to take Cargo and Sam to the park because it was so nice out, and we didn't want them cooped up in the house all night. So we load up the pups into the Soob and head down to Oaks. We got ourselves situated, and the let the dogs off leash. I kept a close eye on Cargo, because he is new to the park and still pretty young, but he is a good size and can pretty much hold his own. Well, apparently I was wrong. A large rottweiler started sniffing him profusely, which resulted in Cargo on his back. Then two other dogs came over and started pushing him around, and the next thing I knew, he was on the ground screaming, as a large bulldog had sunk his teeth into poor Cargo's leg. Luckily, the bulldog's owner was responsible and gave us their info once it was decided that Cargo indeed needed to go to the vet to have his wounds checked out.

Two hours, four surgical staples, and an Elizabethan collar later, we brought the shaky little guy home. He is taking Amoxicillian as precautionary measure, and the doctor did warn me it could make his little tummy a little sick...

...fast forward a few hours.

I fell asleep last night on the couch at about 11:00, and finally stumbled upstairs to bed around 1:30. At 5:45 I heard whimpering downstairs, where Cargo was in his crate and Sam was on the couch. I groggily pulled on my clothes, and went downstairs to let the boys out. Yawning profusely, I walked Cargo for a good 5-10 minutes; he did what he seemingly had to do. We came back in as Sam lingered outside. I made a quick pitstop myself... couldn't have been more than 2 minutes... and when I came out, Cargo had left a 3 foot long trail of poop on my family room carpet. And it was NASTY. Now, one of the symptoms you experience when pregnant is a heightened sense of smell. This did NOT benefit me this morning. I wanted to be angry at him... I mean, come on, we HAD just been outside for a nice little walk... but the poor guy just looked up at me from his little cone collar and I couldn't. Luckily, we were well stocked with carpet cleaning products from the last poor-mannered houseguest we had last fall. So, here it is, 6:45 am, an hour after the incident, and I'm awake. There is no hope of going back to sleep at this point, as, though I've sprinkled several products on the affected area, the smell is definitely still pungent and probably will be for awhile.

I do know that, though I thought I learned my lesson before, it has definitely sunk in now. I'm pretty sure Lindy and Dave's days of dogsitting are over. And I thank God every day that we haven't replaced our carpets yet. Each doggie accident that occurs on here makes me realize that is just about time to really make that happen, especially now that we have a kid on the way!

I know most people say no way, don't get new carpets with a baby in your future, but I don't want my kid crawling around in other dogs' shit. No thank you!

Will I?

2009-07-08T10:27:00.008-04:00

So, clearly, I am completely consumed with thinking about this child I am in the process of manifesting. And because I don't have a ton of people with whom I can talk about it (nor do I think people wish to talk about my forthcoming child 24/7 like I do), I am blogging about it. A lot. So skip this entry if you're already sick of hearing about baby stuff.

Last night I was lying on the couch watching 18 Kids and Counting, the show about the Duggar family, on TLC. 18 flippin kids. I can hardly imagine having one, and these people have EIGHTEEN. Unreal. And then I started thinking about Michelle Duggar. She must be the freaking mother of the millenium... to feel confident that she should be able to bring 18 children into this world, nuture them, love them, care for them, etc.
And then I got to thinking about myself. What about me? Will I be a good Mom? Will I be able to take care of this kid properly? Will I know what to do and when to do it? I am terrified at the thought of this... and I'm only having ONE, not eighteen. I'm told by a lot of people that a lot of motherhood is instinctual, and a lot of it just comes naturally, but I'm still pretty nervous about my abilities. I mean, let's face it people, I am a huge slob. I leave dishes in the sink. I leave clothes on the floor. I'm trying REALLY hard to change these things about myself, especially now that I will have another person for whom I must be responsible, but... old habits die hard.
But then again, I am really good at many of the things I do. I keep our family's finances in order. I pay our bills on time, every month. I keep food in the fridge. I schedule appointments for all necessary maintenance, be it household, health, or the like. I am very quickly getting us out of most of the debt we've accrued. So... I guess being a lazy slob doesn't look so bad when you look at everything else I do. It's not as if
But, back to being a Mom... I have always been good with kids. From babysitting from a very young age, to being a camp counselor at different places for summers on end, to watching five little cousins grow up, I enjoy working with them and tend to bond with them pretty solidly. But at the end of the day, I've always given them back. I've never had one to call my own before, to have to make decisions for, to have to raise. And it scares the living shit out of me. And, though it's not quite the same, I have had some experience being a Mommy to my four-legged baby. He still requires attention and time and needs to be considered in most situations, and we have raised him from a puppy, so that has given us some initial practice, but I realize having a human child is going to be so much different. And Dave is great with kids. Whenever we go somewhere where there are children, whether they're cousins or our friend's kids, Dave is always right down on the floor playing with them, romping around with them, and they just adore him. So I know Baby Rolston will just love his/her Daddy to pieces. But that's all well and good for playtime... what about when the serious stuff rolls around? How do you prepare yourself for all of that?!
Though last summer, when we were introduced to our friend's baby for the first time, Dave didn't even want to hold him, in fear that he might drop him or hurt him. Even though the baby's father scooped him up into his arm as if he were holding a football. I think maybe that was a little reassuring to Dave. I suppose that is a fear we're both going to have to get over as soon as our little one arrives. But I guess we still have a good 7+ months to work that fear out.
We are so blessed that we have two sets of really amazingly supportive parents who undoubtedly will be there to help us along the journey... and we have lots of friends who are awesome parents and I know they'll provide helpful information when asked, but still... I know we're gonna have our hands fuller than we can possibly imagine and I really hope we are both up to the task!

The internet is for porn!

2009-07-07T12:43:00.013-04:00

...okay, maybe not exclusively. That's actually the title of a song from the broadway musical, "Avenue Q." However, at the moment, I am thoroughly disgusted with the internet and its infinite wealth of information... both good and bad. I am disgusted because, as a 30 year old woman in the very early stages of pregnancy, I am cautiously optimistic about embracing this thing I have growing inside me, because of everything I've read on the goddamned internet.

I mentioned this before, but really... I have to keep remembering the many years (ok, the many THOUSANDS of years) that women have been having babies, when there was no internet, and there was no google to look up your symptoms when you convince yourself that something is wrong. You have a slight twinge of pain in your lower back and suddenly you are ready to check yourself into the hospital and are expecting the worst.

It doesn't help that, since I am so early in the pregnancy, so far my symptoms are practically non-existant. NOT that I am wishing for morning sickness... not one iota. However, it might make it all feel more REAL if I did actually feel like I was pregnant. Though the sore boobs are definitely an indication of something going on... but, since I am not feeling any sort of way, of course I start googling everything just to get some more feedback.

One website will tell you one percentage, another gives you an entirely different number, and you have to wonder where people are getting their information. Don't they say that approximately 40% of all statistics are made up anyway?

Regardless, it's disconcerting to read about all of the what-ifs, that you might not have thought about before. And everyone is suddenly a subject-matter expert. I'm operating under the pretense that my Doctor gets paid the big bucks because he knows what he's doing and what he says will ultimately be what I go by, but I can't help but wonder if all of these other people might have some validity behind what they are saying.

The list keeps expanding of the do's and don'ts... from alcohol to hair dye to caffeine to fish (mercury) to lunch meat... and so on and so forth. I'm still a firm believer in "everything in moderation,"and while I don't intend to do anything harmful to this baby while it's depending on me as its lifeline... a little cup of coffee now and again will be ok.

So in conclusion, I believe the internet should be designated for porn. And blogging. And Facebook. And Gchat. And Amazon. And... ok, so maybe I want to keep it around awhile longer but I have to make a concerted effort NOT to read baby websites on a daily basis and drive myself crazy wondering, "what if?"

Levels are good

2009-07-02T16:38:00.016-04:00

Well, I had my first ultrasound today. Because of having Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, I have to see a RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) throughout the first trimester, on a weekly basis. They just want to monitor me closely and make sure everything is ok. They took a blood sample (I swear I won't have any left by the time they're done with me!) and showed me a picture of the little bugger... you really couldn't see much of anything other than the yolk sac; they said that at 7 or 8 weeks there will be a much clearer image. It's amazing how fast the baby really does develop.

My hCG (which, for those who are not pregnancy-savvy yet, is human chorionic gonadatrophin) levels were apparently really good, at approximately 1600... which, given that they were at 190 when I first tested positive (God that makes me sound like Manny Ramirez!), I'd say things are coming along nicely. Apparently, the levels double every 48 hours, so I'm doing just fine. However, they do want me taking an extra progesterone supplement; my my levels are OK, but could be better, so I'm just getting a little synthetic assistance.

My next appointment is Friday the 10th, when I will be at approximately 6 weeks. My due date is now estimated at March 5th, 2010.

So, let's cross our fingers and hope for things to keep improving! Hang in there, Baby Rolston! We know you can do it!!!

BFP!!!!

2009-07-01T16:20:00.015-04:00

Holy freaking moly.

I am going to be a Mom.

It all happened on Wednesday, June 24th, 2009, when, having felt guilty for having a 2 (DELICIOUS) glasses of wine with dinner, I decided to take a pregnancy test, just for peace of mind. Instead, I got this:

Now, don't get me wrong, I was THRILLED. Stunned. Over the moon. A hundred billion thoughts started racing through my head. Could this really be? I ran downstairs and asked Dave if he could identify what it was that I was holding in my trembling hand. After that, we spent a good 30 minutes decided if it really was what we thought it was... and deciding if the faint second line was just our brains playing tricks on us. (That's two tricky brains if so!) We both agreed that a confirmatory blood test was essential, until we told anyone at all. Talk about a sleepless night!!! I couldn't turn my mind off to get more than an hour's worth of consistent sleep all night, I was just too excited. The first thing I did when I woke up on Thursday was call the doc. They told me the soonest they could get me in was Friday morning.

Friday morning rolls around, blood is drawn, and I'm told that they will call me "this afternoon" with the results.

LONGEST.AFTERNOON.EVER.

Finally, around 3:45 pm, the call comes in. My heart was pounding. The nurse congratulates me, and says, "Your levels look really good!" (whatever that means...) So I placed the call to the Daddy-to-be to let him know the good news. It was really important to me to wait until I could tell Mom and Dad in person, and they'd just left for a weekend in Albany, so we had to keep the good news to ourself for just a few more days.

So here I am. Blogging about it all. Mostly because we've made a decision only to tell a VERY select few people, until we are further along. At this point, today, I am only about 5 1/2 weeks pregnant, which is so early... and we'd like to wait until things are a little more substantial. And it royally sucks because, by the time I make this blog public to those who might be interested, I'll have already known for several weeks/months, and will have kept this unbelievably exciting news from some of my most nearest and dearest friends and family. And it's killing me not to shout it from the rooftops and tell everyone I come in contact with. However, this is how it has to be, and so in order to get it all off my chest, I will blog. So for those of you who may read this later and be upset or hurt that you didn't know sooner, please understand, it's just how we wanted it to be.

So... since first taking the positive last Wednesday, I have visited a plethora of baby-related websites. And let me tell ya - there is some really good info out there! But there is also a lot of scary information. Stuff that you would never have thought of until you read it, and then you worry yourself sick thinking, "OMG what if that is me?" I am learning the pregnancy lingo (i.e. BFP = Big Fat Positive!), and getting a lot of good feedback from other moms-to-be online. And whenever I read something that puts my mind into a tailspin again, I have to keep reminding myself that, 30 years ago when our parents all went through this with us, they didn't have the internet to scare them into oblivion about the "what ifs." They were just pregnant. And hoped for the best. And that's exactly what we're gonna do with our little one! So, think good thoughts for Baby Rolston #1!

Congratulations to us! HOORAY! We're gonna be parents!!!!!!!